In 2011, There have been books, comics, movies and video games about the oversaturated topic of Zombies. For some, they have seen hundreds of hours of zombie tales. For that niche of nerds, they probably know everything there is to know about zombies according to hollywood. This would lead to this weird disconnection from reality on the occasion a Zombie outbreak actually occurs.
It happened on a Saturday. I woke up to the blinding light of sun piercing through the slit of my window that my curtains hadn’t covered. The light made me feel like a dagger was piercing through my forehead. I courteously expelled some partially digested pizza from the night before into my waste bin. I knew that much pizza and ranch dressing wasn’t a good idea, though the bottom shelf vodka probably wasn’t doing me any favors. My roommate Josh groaned from under his covers, I felt his pain. I took a second to appreciate the intense toxic nature of my morning breath before i was overcome by the sensation of my bladder threatening to burst. I had the quick dilemma of whether to hold it and stay in my warm mattress indentation, or get up, relieve myself and commit to being awake. I chose the ladder if only because I didn’t have confidence in my ability to not piss the bed.
I got up and trudged to the end of my room stepping over clothes, doritos fragments and beer cans and kicked my feet into my sandals. I pushed open the door and walked across the cheap blue carpet through the white cinderblock lined common room, into the community bathroom. I stepped over the passed out body of our overweight roommate Cheese, who was currently laying face first on the sticky blue tiles of our flourescently lit 4 stall bathroom. I pushed open the farthest stall door, the handicap one with the room for hungover swaying. I yawned and shifted my weight back and forth between me feet while trying to keep my stream off the seat. “Danny, waking up on a sticky bathroom floor makes me really angry you haven’t given me an intervention.” I chuckled, causing some collateral damage on the inner circle of the bowl.
“Well Cheese it was a wild night, shit happens.”
As I wiped off the seat I realized that not even 13 year old dungeons and dragons kids would not label our night as a wild night. I wish I could say that we had some good luck shots of Patron while waiting for our taxi to the big fraternity party. That we all showed up to the house, high fived some people on the way in and attracted to the attention of some gorgeous freshman, and then received ovations for our keg stands and flip cup performances. Then I wish I could say we all got laid by the hot chick in class x that sits x rows in front of us that we’ve been trying to talk to for months.
That’s a wild night.
We have lower standards on the bottom floor of Holloway Dorm.
Our night went something like this: We had one of the weird kids upstairs get his brother to buy us two bottles of the cheapest vodka on the planet. Then he promptly charged us 3 times the cost for the courteosy. We then drank vodka mixed with mountain dew and played halo while eating cheap pizza til 1 in the morning. At that point we turned on The Matrix in the common room and made it 15 minutes before we were too tired to go and than went to bed. Alone. National Lampoon lied to us. Some of us just suck at college.
I helped Cheese off the ground and encouraged him to wash his face off with bleach. I splashed some cool water from the sink into my bloodshot eyes and walked back into the common room where Josh was not only up but plopped on the couch setting up a game of Goldeneye. He lounged on the couch and stroked back his ruffled brown hair.
There was a semi-pavlovian response from the menu music of the game as our other 3 roommates, Dylan, Jake and Marty all trotted into the common room in their underwear looking like hell.
We argued over who would wait out the first round, and I volunteered so I could take swigs of Pepto Bismol during the first match. After that we all jumped on and began to strangle Marty for picking Odd Job as Cheese finally made his way out of the bathroom only to re-collapsed onto the floor. We played several matches until Dylan was eliminated due to being the only one who couldn’t find the golden gun. Round 2 started: Cheese still wasn’t moving and we thought now would be a good time to draw a penis on his face or start CPR, but for now Marty was Rambo with the RCP90 and had to be dealt with. The conversation during the game was about as eventful as you can imagine, goin
something like this:
Jake: So Dylan did that chick call you back?
Dylan: Nah she had plans with other girls.
Marty: Man chicks suck.
Josh: I feel you man, they’re all just so flakey.
I imagine this statement would not be uttered if any of us looked like Abercrombie models or had some form of tint to our skin. However, losers after to stick together and agree with each other so I chimed in:
Me: Yeah man, they say one thing and then they totally go back on it later. Its so lame!
Jake: Yeah I’m so glad I don’t have a girlfriend and have to deal with that shit on a regular basis.
Dylan: Yeah all that needy emotional crap, I’d rather just get the chicks I’m getting now on a no strings attached basis.
Marty: Hey Jake didn’t you get with that goth chick last week?
Jake: She wasn’t goth, she was just really punk, and she wasn’t ugly or anything she was effing hot!
Dylan: Nah she was dude.
Marty: Dude she was smoking you’re so lucky.
She wasn’t but who needs to draw attention to such as depressing thing. The game pressed on and Dylan pounced down on me with a grenade launcher, I screamed out in anger, awakening Cheese.
Me: Gah! Next time you sodomize me, use a rubber, I don’t wanna get herpes!
Everyone laughed except for Jake. We all made mental notes to not share drinks with Jake.
This pressed on for twenty minutes, Cheese eventually pealed himself off the floor and completed his pilgrimage back to his bed and locking the door so we didn’t drag him and his mattress into the girls bathroom again.
I stretched and got off the couch and decided to grab a snack from the vending machine in the lobby. I grabbed some change from my room and headed down the long hallway. As I walked in to the main room I found that the once bustling lobby of our 4 story dormitory was completely empty. It was Easter Break, so I could understand it being slower. The check-in desk at the north wall was suspiciously empty and things went from suspicious to threatening at the sight of
the long streaks of crimson liquid on the floor. I froze. The trail led all the way down to the eastern hallway that leads to the girls common room.I followed the spill to the entrance of the hallway cautiously with a “Am I being really stupid?” thought going through my head. I took several steps down the narrow corridor when I then noticed that the door to the outside had been knocked off its hinges and now lay on the floor. “EFFFFF This!!!!” I backtracked and quickly walked back to get the guys. It was then that the once white noise of the television at the abandoned check in desk caught my attention and caused my feet to stop moving.
“….Reports out of Southern Pennsylvania are of Mob-like violence and cannibalism that has struck Eastwood Pennsylvania. An apparent outbreak of madness has developed causing hundreds to savagely attack innocent bystanders”
There is no effing way that what’s happening is happening right now.
“According to a whistleblower from EcoTech, nationwide producer of Organic Vegan foods, an abnormal specimen has been found in their garden burgers meat. A portion of this batch is believed to have been delivered to restaurants and stores through out southern Pennsylvania. Scientists believe that this can be the cause of the deranged behavior. At 11:30 pm last night, reports began detailing anarchy and violence coming from a Vegan that was shipped to the southern
region of Pennsylvania. restaurant on College Drive. The assailants began attacking and savagely biting into bystander while proceeding to break into homes and places of business. It is unconfirmed but hypothesized that this condition is contagious and transferable by the exchange of blood with a carrier.”
Attempts to subdue this outbreak have been futile as the National Guard is setting up a quarantine area around Erie county. Anyone in the area should lock your doors and stay inside, do no go outside under any circumstances and treat any of these assailants as extremely dangerous”
I stood there for twenty seconds, pondering about whether or not I was having a suspiciously elaborate lucid dream. Then I said to myself.
Did a zombie outbreak really just happen! Is this really happening!? Did an epidemic that has only been discussed in fiction just friggin happen!? Am I living in a Zombie Apocalypse!?
I was having an outer body experience, I was brought back by a figure in my peripherals. I turned to see a girl standing in the doorway four feet from me, with red eyes pale skin and blood dripping from her mouth onto her sorority t-shirt and jeans.
Pants = Crapped.
Our eyes met as she screamed out and lunged at me knocking me on the floor.
She quickly got on top of me and went in for a zombie hickey, I nimbly pressed my hands against her cheeks holding her back from my neck. I then did the only adult thing I could think of:
The girl flailed her arms, drooling and growling, as I held her snapping jaw back. I looked down the hall with hopes that Cheese would run around the corner with a shotgun and marksmanship rivaled by none peeling the zombie clean off me with a spray that narrowly avoids me. Then I realized two things, how desperate am that I am elaborately fantasizing that my least reliable dormmate would do the most unlikely thing in the world? And two, my friends are idiots and probably don’t even notice my pleas for help, I was on my own.
Her snapping jaw was inches from my neck when I then tasted my first dose of adrenaline and said: “I am not dying here, I am not gonna be the first of my friends to die in a Zombie outbreak! I am not getting killed by a 90 lb sorority chick that is quasi-arousing me a in a disturbingly necrophiliac way!
As I struggled noticed a cup of pens knocked over a few feet from my head. With all the strength I could muster I sent all my energy into my arms and shoulders flipping the girl over by her neck. I jumped on to her and planted my knee on her collar bone.I punched her twisting head once and grabbed one of the pens. She grabbed left arm and leaned up to my chest before I slammed the pen in my right hand into her neck.
Blood sprayed out like a garden hose with a thumb over the spout as she let out a cry. I fumbled over her and staggered over to the check in desk looking for a
blunt object or anything I could use to finish the deed.The zombie slowly started getting up as the blood continued to drain down to her side. I frantically threw a stapler at her chest to no avail. She began slowly walking towards me with a grimace on her face. I froze in fear as she got to be 3 feet away from me as I stared into her cold eyes. Without thinking I ripped the tv cables from the wall and hurled that 12 inch tube tv at the head of the girl.
The T.V. connected and exploded glass into her face dropping her like a sack of potatoes. She lay motionless. I waited for twenty seconds, blood sprayed all over my white t shirt as my heart was doing intricate drum solos. She was dead.
I killed a zombie……..
YESSSSS!! EFFF YEAH! I was so jacked up that I grabbed a nearby styrofoam cup and viciously bit into it and spit out a chuck as I roared like an effing champion.
Defiant and Proud.
Dylan, Marty, Jake and Josh were still sitting on the couch intently playing Golden Eye oblivious of my encounter. I walked calmly next to the TV, covered in blood and just stood next to the screen smiling patiently.
Josh: Oh Eff I can’t believe you hit me.
Dylan: That’s skill bitch.
Jake: Hey random question did any of you see a pair of socks on the-
Me: WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU IDIOTS!!!!
They all jumped up in shock.
Josh: Dude what the hell happened to you.
Me: There is a zombie outbreak right now, and I was almost maimed by someone infected in the lobby.
Dylan (laughing): HAHAHA dude that is priceless, how did you get that fake blood on you, it looks so real!
They all joined in: Zombies!
Josh: I shouldn’t applaud you but I will, this is great. Where’d you get the idea from? Stumbleupon? Smooth move going to “get a snack”.
I then did the only thing I could do to show my sincerity, by bitch slapping Josh as hard as I could.
Josh’s pale skin reverberated and his blonde hair shook as his head bounced back and forth like a boxing speed bag.
Me: This is serious!
Josh: Good cause now I’m pissed!
He got up and charged at me, I quickly retreated to the lobby where the girls fresh blood had spilled on to the white tiles garnished by the glass of the television. Josh caught up with and grabbed my arm about to take a swing at me when he stopped and saw the scene.
Josh: Holy shit.
Me: Sorry for hitting you.
Josh: You did this?
Me: Yeah in my defense she attacked me first.
Josh: Good job, unless this was a girl you were stalking in which case I’m calling to cops.
Me: Ugh, Just follow me.
I led Josh back into our common room and flipped on the cable channel interrupting Jake’s killstreak.
The laughing quickly turned to silence as they saw the headline “Dangerous Infected Outbreak” sat in shock for what seemed like forever listening intently to every word of the broadcast.
Dylan: This is really happening?
Jake: I can’t believe it….
Josh: Does anyone else appreciate the irony?
Josh: You know?…Of the outbreak of cannibalism being caused by a vegan burger?
Josh was an idiot, but he was right, it was really funny.
Me: So…..we cannot stay here at all, the doors are forced in, we’re on the bottom floor of a building with tiny rooms and cheap windows.
Josh: Why don’t we go upstairs and barricade one of the higher floors?
Dylan: For how long!? We have limited food that could last like 2 days, we have to get the hell out of here when we can.
Jake: He’s right, if this is really contagious like every friggin movie about this stuff, than this is gonna spread like wildfire and every second we wait and argue our odds are getting worse.
Marty: Dude we can survive here. We take Jake’s car and drive to the superstore down the street. We fill our bags with all the food and water we can hold, maybe we can find some real weapons. And we hold out. If we hear nothing for 2 weeks we hit the road, drive like hell for the border.
This was an awful idea. Why risk leaving in the first place. But we were seduced by the appeal of doing Romero proud and being brave survivors, albeit stupid ones.
We agreed, ran into our rooms put on our new clothes, sweatshirts and jackets, grabbed a backpack and whatever weapon we could find.
We joined in the common room with our chosen weapons,
Danny (Me): Aluminum bat from my lab partner’s softball team that she left in my room like a week ago.
Jake: broom handle
Josh: a broken umbrella
Dylan: a hammer from his tool box.
Marty: broken off leg from his bed.
Chances of Survival based on weaponry: Very Poor
We all looked at each other and nodded until Marty yelled out:
Marty: Dude what about Cheese!?
Dylan: He’s probably passed out, we’ll be back by the time he wakes up.
Josh: Besides that moron is gonna slow us down, I doubt he’s run a day in his life. Its safer for all of us is he’s left blissfully unaware until we get back.
We all agreed and decided that after waking up in piss and vomit Cheese really didn’t need a zombie outbreak in his life right now. Even though this was a bit of rationalization it was the best for our survival chances.
We went over the plan as we walked down the hall, we would run like hell to Jake’s Camry parked on the other side of the courtyard about 100 feet away. From what I had seen through the window earlier it was pretty empty outside. The zombies might have moved on. We stopped talking when we rounded to corner to find a huge zombie in a football jacket bent over nibbling on the corpse of the girl zombie.
Jake and Dylan: ….Holy shit
Josh: dude that’s what I said
The jock zombie quickly turned his head showing the familiar red eyes to match his close shaven red hear. He growled at us as bloody spit dripped off his lip onto his floor. He arched his body upwards to tower over us with his linebacker body frame.
We all stared in fear, as this monstrous creature hobbled towards us. All I can remember is the sound of Marty yelling “Get him” as Marty charged forward and slapped the wooden bed piece into the Jock Zombies face knocking his head back. We all charged at him like dumb lemmings hitting him as hard we could hitting each other several times in the process.
It was a mess but we still found time to yell at each other.
Josh: Dylan you’re barely hitting him!
Dylan: I have an effing hammer what do you expect from me!?
Me: Yeah well Jake has hit me like 3 times, aim better you useless idiot!
Jake: Gimme a break fighting zombies is easier when the guy doing it is in shape and coordinated!!!
The Jock zombie fell to his knees as we spastically hit him with our household objects.
Marty then yelled out in exasperation, “This is useless we’re never gonna kill it this way!” The Jock reached his hand up snatching Dylan’s hammer out of his hand. We stopped.
Me: I’ve got an idea! Lets RUN!
Best Idea any of us had hear all day, and we ran like scared little girls out of the front door. Our plan was to come back with food and barricade in the building, so we would have to deal with Jock later, and hope that he didn’t attract more zombies or eat Cheese but we could give a flying fuck right now!
We sprinted across the short green grass with our backpacks bouncing against us into a cloudy afternoon. There were flipped over cars and knocked over trash cans and damaged items on the lawn. We were halfway across the lawn, running towards a green ford taurus flipped upside down in the middle of the courtyard.
Out of nowhere an average sized zombie with crazy red eyes ran from around the car straight at us. He made eye contact with me and without stopping I swung the bat with all my might into his jaw knocking him to the grass. I stumbled to the ground, as Dylan pulled the hood of my sweatshirt to get me up and continue running. We kept running towards the parking lot, our adrenaline blinding our peripherals and our only focus being gettin to the car. We approached the row
of cars, and followed Jake to the beat up Green 86 Camry. We surrounded the car and each grabbed a different door handle. Locked.
Dylan: WHAT THE HELL JAKE OPEN IT!
Jake: I’m trying I’m trying I gotta find my- Where are my keys!? Do you see them anywhere!?
Dylan: What do you mean do we see them! What happened to them!
Josh the only calm one left, probably cause he secretly suspected a Zombie Outbreak would happen in his life, bent over and grabbed the keys that Jake had dropped beneath him in his frenzy. He jammed the key into door, flipped it unlocking the doors. He handed the key to Jake and patting him on the back.
Dylan, Myself and Josh piled into the back seat, with Marty in the passenger side of the car. Jake jammed the key into the ignition and violently turned it, firing up the engine and squealing out his tires in a reversing motion into the parking lot. He peeled out of the lot and hit the main road driving with a purpose to the super center.
Maybe it was the shock or some primal instinct kicking in, but I don’t think we took time to appreciate the fear that we should be experiencing.
Dylan: Really? Cause I’m kind of traumatized.
I looked at him quizzically.
Jake: Do you think you’re saying these things in your head!?? You’ve been narrating the last ten minutes out loud, sometimes screaming it!
Me: I thought that I might actually be losing it.
Jake: You’re still doing it!
I thought that I might actually be losing it. More important things lay ahead for us as we began our mission in a smelly trash filled Camry. We drove down College Drive past flaming cars and zombies scattered in the parking lots of various stores. There were no police, no army, it was just the zombies. This was very disheartening.
We approached Campus Creamery, the best ice cream place in town, and as we came up on it Marty chimed in “I love that place, if we’re gonna die I hope that I get some of that ice cream before I bite the dust.
We all assured him we’re not dying, we’re just ill equipped and in way over our heads. Jake slowed the car to avoid some flaming cars. We slowly passed College Creamery, once a popular hang out spot for students that would gather at the picnic tables next to the parking lot eating their favorite ice creams, now with a flipped over police car and corpses littered in the parking lot.
It was then that we broke out of our trance by a wayward zombie landing on the windshield. We all screamed as Jake shook the steering wheel in effort to get it off, to no avail as the zombie firmly gripped the splinting windshield.
The car began to fish tail as Jake lost control of the car, the zombie slid off to our right as we careened down the road.
Partially blinded Jake tried to regain control of his car’s direction. The car slid towards the middle of the road slamming head on into a median.
Our bodies flew forward, being cradled by our seat belts, as the airbags exploded into Jake and Josh. Empty Mountain Dew cans and other debris in the car flew in the air. Dylan’s head smashed against Josh’s head rest. We all fell back to our seats. Steam sprayed out of the hood as we sat in both shock and agony.
Dylan had blood dripping from his head as he opened his door, flipped off his seat belt and threw up into the street. I unbuckled my seat belt, opened the door and fell out of the car onto the gray asphalt. Marty came out after me and helped me up. I grabbed my bat and planted it onto the ground to steady myself. I felt concussed. We were all in a haze as we collected ourselves on the left side of the car.
We examined our wounds, Jake possibly fractured wrist, Josh and Marty likely some broken ribs. Our amateur medical examination was cut short by the sound of Dylan screaming.
We snapped into action and ran around the car to find a zombie in a torn green shirt and jeans biting into Dylan’s leg. I slammed my bat in a chopping fashion into the zombies head. Blood sprayed into my face as the pale body dropped to the ground. Josh followed it up by piercing it in the back of the neck with his umbrella. The creature seized next to Dylan for a few seconds then became motionless. We were too late.
We leaned Dylan against the outside of the car, blood dripping from his ears and a huge gouge in his leg. Josh leaned in and took off his sweatshirt to wrap around the wound. Dylan coughed blood and laughed a little, “What a way to go right?”. We smiled back at him as his head fell softly onto his shoulder.
It was then that we noticed Jake’s absence and looked up only to see him a hundred feet away in a dead sprint.
THAT BASTARD! I can’t believe he just left us like that! I knew I should have been suspicous when he would always leave us behind in Left 4 dead! I mean seriously if he wasn’t willing to sacrifice a fictional character in a game with no real world consequences this is exactly what I should expect from him and nothing more. I can’t believe I didn’t notice those red flags! Gah, we totally should have brought Cheese at least he would’ve been funny! To make matters worse-
Marty: Danny shut up!
Josh put his fingers to Dylan’s eyelids closing them out of respect.
We looked around to make sure there were no other zombies in the area, and gave a quick moment of silence for our fallen comrade.
Wait, my heart sunk and I got a lump in my throat.
THE DISEASE IS TRANSFERABLE!
This realization of a rookie movie from being caught up in the moment led to Dylan’s eyelids flickering open to reveal red, grabbing Josh and biting straight into his neck.
Josh: Get the hell out of here!
We stuttered, but agreed.
We knew that there was nothing to do for him now and made a move towards the direction Jake ran in. We froze when we saw a mass of zombies hobble around a tipped school bus thirty feet away. We panicked and started limping back the way we came to the only building for 100 yards.
The zombies trudged after us as Marty and I put every ounce of energy into running towards the hopefuly-empty ice cream shoppe. Every step I took felt like more pain that I had ever felt as some tears from the agony formed in my eyes. We neared the store, taking care to walk around the cars widely to not be ambushed. I stared into the oak trees on the side of road, looking out for more of them.
There was about 40 feet between us and the slow moving zombie mob in pursuit of us, when we reached the parking lot. Marty ran ahead towards the police cruiser on the curb kicking into the driver side window. He leaned his body in and pulled out our saving grace, Mr. 12 gauge, Miss Glock 45 and their child, bag of ammo. He grinned in a very existential kind of way as he joined me at the glass door to the Ice Cream Shoppe.
Inside the red and white checkered 50’s style shoppe was a long freezer built into a pale yellow counter. Marty and I flipped the lock on the glass door and shoved one of the garbage cans and a loose table in front of the entrance.
Marty tossed me the pistol and quickly ran into the back room to see if there were any zombies. I flipped the safety off determined not to make another Hollywood mistake and cocked the pistol just like John McClane. Marty returned with a thumbs up as I steadied my weight against the table. We both knew that we couldn’t make it any further and that holding them off was our only chance of survival.
Two nerds who have never fired guns in their life defending against a hoard of zombies in a building made primarily of glass
Chances of Survival: Very Very Poor
The hell with the odds, we might as well have fun if we’re gonna get eaten alive. The zombies were soon at the door and windows, there must have been at least 30 of them now. They began primitively banging on the glass doors and windows. We knew not to start shooting until they broke through, no sense making it easy for them.
Marty steadied his shotgun on the counter and looked down the sight pointed straight at the door. Faint cracks began to develop on the door as the force of zombies began to shake the doors. The sound of glass shattering from the right window caused Marty to swing the shotgun and fire a blast out of shock. The pellets sprayed against the wall. The zombies began to crawl in through the now shattered window as we fired our guns into the masses.
The first three in the door got cut up like Swiss cheese and collapsed to the floor. We reloaded. A fat zombie lumbered forward through the window. He hobbled slowly, grounded without his Wal Mart courteosy scooter.
Marty unleashed a spray of explosion from his shotgun blowing up his head into a bloody splash against the wall. A huge crowd filed in behind his staggering headless torso now actin like a shield. We both panicked shooting desperately from behind the counter. I took out another two zombies and fired into the nearing crowd until I head the clicking of the empty chamber. I released my ammo clip and popped another one in. Marty shot his last round as he was now
swinging the gun at the crowd of 15 zombies now mere inches from the counter. One of the zombies and yanked the gun of his hands. “Eff IT!” He threw a blender from the counter at them, shattering it against a tall zombies face. I unleashed several more rounds.
We were overwhelmed.
Marty then swung open the display glass of the freezer. He smiled at me as a zombie climbed over the counter to his left. He grabbed a crisp waffle cone from the counter and spooned out a scoop of Rasberry on to it. The zombies were now surrounding us on both sides as we got close to each other. To my count I had two bullets left. I followed his suit and scooped some chocolate chip cookie dough into my hand and bit into its creamy goodness.
I closed my eyes
At that moment I shook myself awake in a cold sweat, my sheets drenched as I looked back and forth. My heart was beating, I took a deep breath, until I remembered My EXAM! How did I forget to study for my exam, I’m gonna fail it and have to re take it next semester. This has become the wor-
Nah I’m just kidding that didn’t happen. Might as well go out on a joke. I closed my eyes and felt the cold hand of the parasitic host of one of my favorite fictional beings. I took a big bite out of my cookie dough ice cream as multiple arms clung to me. And before those infected teeth sank into my jugular vein I nodded at my friend dripping in the blood of his fresh zombie kills and though to myself that I never appreciated how good something so simple as eating ice cream with a friends was.
I thought about how many wasted hours of my youth were spent indulging in fiction and not living in real life, and then I came to the rationalization, if you asked me 2 days that I could be eating my favorite food when I died, and i got to kill some zombies on the way, I think I’d take it every time. I then took my gun to my head and wondered if I would get a respawn….