Has it happened again? Yea verily and forsooth. Your intrepid narrator once more put off answering another one of those dynamic calls for content, until it was way too late. This one would have been right up his trash-strewn, dimly-lit alley too: a commencement speech.
It so happens a Texas institution of slightly-elevated learning decided to reward me with an honorary doctorate for outstanding contributions to mendacity in the form of my somewhat-noted and hardly-quoted series, Ask Mr. Tom . Well, wouldn’t you know it (No, I guess you wouldn’t.), I cooked up a Jim Doozy of a speech, but, in my hasty zeal to memorize it or, lacking that, get it tattooed onto my forearm, I forgot to claim the call in the name of Queen Ferdinand and King Isabella. Never fear, though. Even if I will miss out on the generous up-front stipend of $display only, I will gladly share with my devoted (or very bored with too much time on their hands) readership the text of my commencement address. So, commence, already, I hear you thinking. Fine, here it is:
Good afternoon, distinctive graduates of the North Sam Houston Institution of Technologism. Let me say at the outset that I am deeply honored to receive the doctorate your fine place of learning the hard way has bestowed upon me. You may rest assured that I shall regard this Sawbones of Filosify certificate with the same reverent awe I typically assign to the Publishers Clearing House notices that someone within my zip code may have won a fortune. A fortune, mind you.
I know that you, the dedicated students of NOSHI…um…Tech are all richer for your education-like experience over the past-what-six or seven years, even if your parents are considerably poorer in the pocket, so to speak. Still, as the school’s learned shareholders will be quick to tell you, it has been a sacrifice well worth their while.
I also know of the great pride many of you take in this most extant place of real estate. One of your recent grads, a stellar student who carries the prestigious Beta Theta Pi key, not in her watch fob, for she had no fob to watch, but, rather, in her belly-button ring, now where was I? Oh yes, this best and brightest among your alumni was pleased to tell me what your school’s letters meant to her.
“The N is for knowledge, and the O is for honor,” she began. She went on to explain what the S and the H, as well as the I and the T meant to her. By the time she had finished her stirring speech (She was making brownie batter at the time, with, I think, an extra-special added ingredient which, I am quite certain, she had thoroughly pre-tested for purity.), I was completely convinced. Some day-and soon-I shall figure out, of what.
Now, let us not kid ourselves. In return for this possibly-useful doctorate, your speaker is expected to come across with a fat donation. Well, have no fears on that score. I plan to transcribe the entire speech-perhaps minus the most egregious racial and ethnic slurs or references to the mentally re…challenged-onto a distinguished medium that will pay me handsomely for every set of peepers that ogles the accompanying and plentiferous advertisements that will adorn the text. It is that self-same bounty I hereby bequeath to the North Sam Houston Institution of Technologism. Do not be at all surprised if your school’s endowment soon shoots up to the tune of a nickel. Hey, it’s the least I can do for the furtherance of academic-like activity in this great land of ours.
Oh, right, I guess you young people want some helpful parting advice. Well, here’s a little something, straight out of the Bible: go forth and multiply. Better leave it at that, though. If any of you could do differential calculus, you wouldn’t be here, would you?
Thank you, and God bless corporate America.