“You’re constantly sleeping in while I have to go to work!” an agitated scruffy teenager yelled while starring at his sleeping roommate. “We both moved into this apartment to get out of our parents’ basements and you ain’t even throwing in any dough dude!”
Bert (who was not a very bright young man) had tried everything he could think of to wake his slumbering roommate when suddenly a fresh idea popped into his head. A very rare and sometimes painful occurrence. Bert walked out of the room and headed straight for the kitchen where he proceeded to rummage through the fridge. An excited look came over Bert’s face which either meant he had extremely painful gas or he found something he was searching for.
“There you are” he said to a bottle of hot sauce he pulled out from off the bottom shelf of the fridge.
With a huge grin upon his face he proceeded back to the bedroom and tip toed over to the side his roommate’s bed. Bert’s eyes got huge and his grin got larger as he took the cap off the bottle of hot sauce, pulled back his roommates right eyelid, and tilted the bottle of sauce. Little did the roommate know that his dream of a unicorn riding dwarf was about to come to an extremely painful end. With a goofy chuckle from Bert (that sounded almost identical to the mating call of the Alaskan moose) a drop fell from the bottle and landed right in his slumbering roommate’s eye.
A sound filled the room. One that can only be described as 1000 girls who just found out at the same time that the boy they like, likes them back. Yes, it was the highest shrillest scream to ever pierce the eardrums of man. A sound impossible for any man to make unless he took a spinning back kick to the groin, inhaled extremely large amounts of helium, or (as Bert just discovered) had hot sauce poured into his eye. The shirtless hairy roommate (who at this exact moment Bert’s very simple brain had remembered was named Ted) ran with the speed of a cheetah chasing it’s prey (the prey in this case being the bathroom shower). Ted jumped in with nothing but his boxers on, turned on the shower, and stuck his bloodshot eyeball right under the man made waterfall.
Bert, who was still chuckling appeared at the bathroom door when another ingenious idea exploded into his brain. Clutching his forehead Bart made his way to the toilet, looked down at the lever, gave a squeal of excitement, and pushed the lever down. This created a miraculous phenomenon. The water pouring down upon Ted became instantly burning hot. With his body and his eye both as red as a beat Ted jumped out of the shower sounding a lot like a yelping dog. With his eye still burning and his body in pain he managed to muster up the strength to yell the foulest cuss word he could think of at that moment to Bart while running (in what Bart thought was light speed) to the kitchen sink. His last hope for freedom from the pain. Ted turned on the faucet and stuck his entire face under it with his now very bloodshot eye wide open underneath it.
The pain was finally subsiding when he heard a noise that made his heart nearly jump out of his chest. It was the chuckle of Bart. And he knew where it was coming from. It was right behind him. With the pain in his eye now gone he turned off the faucet, stood there for a few seconds, then slowly started to turn around. His heartbeat was the only thing he could hear as he turned to face what he was sure was going to be another painful experience. When he fully turned around he let out a huge sigh of relief and his shoulders dropped as the tension left his body. Bart was no were in sight.
“Did I just imagine the chuckle?” Ted said to himself as he took a step forward.
He should have watched were he was putting his foot, BAM! A loud crack rang in Ted’s ears followed by a stinging pain on all five of his toes on his right foot. He let the cuss words fly as he reached down to yank the mouse trap from off of his foot.
“I’m going to kill you Bart! You hear me?! You stupid excuse for a human! I’m going to kill you!” Ted yelled until his face went beat red with anger.
He yanked the mouse trap off of his foot and started to hobble over to where he could hear the annoying chuckles of Bart. When he reached the site of the laughter he found Bart standing near the front door which was wide open.
Bart simply said “time for me to go to work” and left with a skip out the door.
“I’ll get you back for this Bart!”.
In pain Ted hobbled over to his bed, threw himself on it, closed his eyes, and before to long fell asleep. He started having the most fantastic dream. Their were gnomes, leprechauns, dragons, beautiful elvish women, it was quite possibly the best dream he had ever had. After a few wonderful hours within the dream he suddenly felt a searing pain which caused him to fling his eyes open. The first thing he beheld was Bart, hovering over him holding an open bottle of hot sauce with a huge grin on his face.