It is an all too common problem. A relationship ends and you just cannot let go. In your mind you keep replaying every detail of the relationship, from the happy beginnings to the bitter end, trying to figure out what you did wrong. This blaming-yourself way of thinking is usually unnecessary and can lead to prolonged state of depression after the relationship has dissolved.
According to Jenna Baddeley, a researcher in psychology and therapist-in-training, it is important to remember that how long a relationship lasts or how good a relationship is is dependent on the fit of the two people in the relationship. However, due to society’s glorification of relationships, people often feel that the loss of a relationship reflects their inherent worth, which is a major distortion.
Remember that every relationship takes two people to make it work. Although breakups tend to feel devastating and like nobody else could possibly understand, almost everyone has gone through this same situation. Moreover, if you think it is all your fault take some time to look at the relationship breakups of your friends. Usually this will make it easier to see that neither party is usually completely to blame for the demise of the relationship. Looking at other situations that are similar to yours but not your own can help you to see that it is not your fault that things did not work out perfectly.
While looking back on the relationship, it is important not to analyze every single moment that did not go perfectly and wish you could go back in time to fix it. In fact, David Wygant, a dating consultant, author, and media personality, discusses this phenomenon on the Tools to Life website.
“Really think about why the relationship didn’t work out,” he suggests. “There is no one particular event from the past that if you changed it would change the breakup outcome. Breakups are the result of a series of events.”
Instead of sitting around pitying yourself, think back on the relationship and try to find the lessons it has to offer you. One thing that might make this easier to write down your thoughts on paper. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and emotions and after a few days you will not only feel better, but you will begin to see some relationship lessons that may not have been so clear before.
Dr. James Walton, a therapist in Los Angeles, California, discusses the blame-game phenomenon on his website and advises people to realize that ultimately they are the ones in control of their thoughts and emotions. During a breakup, it is often the tendency of the one who has been broken up with to give this power away, allowing someone else to control the way we feel. In order for the breakup and rejection to stop hurting, it is important to stop judging and second guessing ourselves.
Something else to keep in mind is that, in majority of relationships, there is a beginning, middle, and an end. Most of the time, relationships are more about personal and emotional growth. While our conscious mind is looking for happiness in a relationship, our unconscious mind is seeking growth. Therefore, instead of focusing on negative thoughts, take control of your mind, and realize that while you cannot control the past you can learn from your experiences and grow from them.