Now before you jump down my throat I’m not saying it’s bad, the original trilogy is good for the most part but it is not the gold that people seem to view it as. There are many good parts but there are bad parts as well.
I know someone will say in response to some of my criticisms: “in the novelisation …” I don’t care. I doesn’t matter what the novelisation says, the movies are what matter, not the novelisations of the movies. Another response will be: ” In this expanded universe book, video or game …” Doesn’t matter. Any expanded universe story from any expanded universe would at best be ambiguously cannon, any story from any expanded universe will never be truly cannon whether it’s for Star Trek, Doctor Who, Warcraft and even Star Wars. And I don’t care what George Lucas has to say on the subject, it’s doesn’t change anything, any story from any expanded universe will never be truly cannon. Star Wars geeks and EU writers need to remember that and the fact that any expanded book is just glorified fan fiction.
Personally: unless it’s a parody or a deconstruction I hate fan fiction. Write your own story, it’s okay to take inspirations and ideas from other stories but make it your own.
Lets look at the original trilogy.
A New Hope
A New Hope is a good story but it’s too cliché, it’s basically a generic heroic fantasy story set in IN SPACE with western and WW2 movie clichés thrown in. Now clichés are not in and of them selfs bad, it’s how they are used and how many are used. A New Hope uses its clichés mostly in a good ways but there are too many of them and some are not used so well. Hell, the bulk of the story is one big cliché.
Look at the story up until there escape from the Death Star; it’s one huge cliché. You have the evil empire, the black night, an old wizard, the rogue, the farm boy who dreams of adventure, parents murdered (well surrogate parents) by the evil empire, faceless mooks, the mentor who dies and a princes who needs saving, A.K.A. the basic heroic fantasy story.
After the escape from the Death Star it becomes less cliché but still cliché. The dog fighting is just WW2 dog fighting IN SPACE, Luke meets and old friend (trillions of humans in the galaxy and the friend he grew up in just happened to be in the rebellion and on that base) destined to die, and Han runs away only to have a change of heart and come back to help save the day.
Going back to the first part; the town on Tatooine and bar in the town is the cliché western town and saloon just with aliens. The whole confrontation between Han and Greedo would be right at home in virtually any western.
Out of all the characters in A New Hope Chewbacca and Leia are the only ones who are not walking clichés. Luke is the cliché hero who starts in meager cercomstances but rises up to save the princes and beat some big evil. Han is the is the cliché western “I only care about my self” cowboy rogue. Obi Wan is the mentor destined to die “so the hero can come into his own” (the mentor does not have to die for the heros to come into his own). Lukes aunt and uncle are cliché parents who want their son to continue doing what they have allays done. Vader is the cliché black knight.
Han while not the most cliché character of A New Hope he is too cliché. Luke was more clichéd but it realy works for Lukes character. Now I know fans of Han are going to vehemently disagree with me but It didn’t work so well for Han. While his introductory scene were he shot Greedo first works, in the rest of the movie he is too cliché. The Han from The Empire Strikes Back is a better character, while still the rogue he wasn’t the overly clichéd “I only care about my self” rogue and thats the character Han should have been from the beginning; a rogue who doesn’t always respect authority, who doesn’t care about the law, is out to for himself, is willing to do immoral things (coning, smuggling, etc) but his overall intentions are good, he cares about other people and has a selfless side too him.
Leia is far from the damsel in distress whose sole purpose is to be saved by the knight in shining armer, instead she took that cliché, shoots it full of blaster holes then finished it off with a few shells from a shotblaster. She is strong, independent, smart, can kick ass and is a competent rebel leader hell she didn’t even ask to be saves and was probably panning her escape when Luke and Han got to her. Chewbacca is not cliché because we don’t know what he is saying, if we did, who knows how the characters could have turned out.
The deaths of the Owens was done very poorly. They’re killed off screen and Luke showen more emotion when Obi Wan died then when he found them dead. Leia didn’t show much emotion after Alderaan was destroyed but it makes sense in her case; she was a senator and a rebel leader, she has to keep a stiff upper lip when dealing with the Empire regardless of her emotional state and we don’t know how long she was in that cell, she could have spent five hours crying her eyes out. Luke was a farm boy, his surrogate parents who raised him from infancy were murdered he doesn’t even shed a tear and they are never mentioned again. Of course I don’t want him to act like the whiny bitch who claimed to be Anakin Skywalker but he should have at least acted like he gave a shit about them.
Overall A New Hope is a good movie, it is overly cliché but good. While the characters (except for a few) are walking clichés but they are still good and interesting characters.
You get a real sense of danger as the planet destroying battle station approaches the moon the resistance is based on. The Death Star slowly comes into range as the fighters are picked off, The Death Star comes into range, Vader has targeted Luke, the order to fire is given, the switches are flipped and as it looks like all is lost Han comes in shoots Vader’s fighter, Luke fire, hits and the Death Star is destroyed.
The use of Leia as a strong rebel leader who just happened to be female and a princes was a brilliant move. They took a character archetype who’s soul purpose is to be a living macguffin and turned it into a character that that is smart, Independent, well developed and is not defined by her damselness. While I don’t think Lucas could have broken Luke out of his cliché the movie would have been better if Han and Obi Wan had broken out of their Clichés as Leia did.
The Empire Strikes Back
The Empire Strikes Back is were Star Wars moves away from the massive clichés of A New Hope and really comes into their own. It does have some clichés but it would be very difficult if not impossible to make a move with out any clichés (and not all clichés are bad).
As good as it is, it does have issues though:
The whole thing with Luke getting captured by an a yeti and Han going out to rescue him seems like padding. They really should have skipped that whole part and went straight to the probe droid landing and discovering the rebel base.
In A New Hope the Millennium Falcon used its hyperdrive to get to Alderaan and escape from the Death Star and while it didn’t show the Death Star using a hyperdrive to get to the rebel base it didn’t show it not using a hyperdrive. If all you were going by was A New Hope you could say that hyperdrives were the Star Wars universes method of FTL travel. In The Empire Strikes Back ships in the Star Wars universe were able to travel between star systems with out using hyperdrives. I know the science in Star Wars is cream cheese soft but George Lucas couldn’t think of any other ways for them to get other system with a busted hyperdrive? If the hyperdrive wasn’t totally inoperable (it could have functioned well enough to get them few lightyears away but not so far that the Star Destroyers couldn’t track them) Lucas could maintain the drama of the situation and not throw out a major part of physics.
Those complains aside The Empire Strikes Back is excellent. It is the best of the original trilogy and as a stand alone movie it is just as excellent. Luke And Han are no longer the walking clichés they were in A New Hope, it dumps cliché of mentor who dies by bringing Obi Wan back as a ghost and gives Luke a new mentor who doesn’t die (well not in this movie). The battle scenes are awesome, the fight between Darth Vader and Luke was brilliantly done. It turned Vader from a black knight who didn’t really do much beyond choking a guy with is mind (okay that is scary), killing Obi Wan and shooting down a few X-wings into a genuinely scary villain. It has a twist that wile it may be cliché now days for its time it was brilliant. The good guys didn’t win, one remained captured, another looses his arm and they barely escape. The Empire Strike Back is the hight of Star Wars.
Return of the Jedi
While The Empire Strikes Back is excellent Return of the Jedi is not. Parts of it are excellent, problem is the rest goes from “meh” to bad.
The rescue of Han: what was their plan? Get every one captures then fight Jabas goons on Jabas floating yacht? If there was a plan it was some convoluted bullshit of a plan. It would have made some semblance of sense if there were rebel solders waiting at the exaction spot and when the yacht got there could have they taken out the anti-gravity system, stormed the yacht, got their people and got out of there. Why didn’t Jaba just have them shot? What was the point of taking them to some carnivorous thing that lives in the sand and making them walk the plank (“arrr”)? While the fight with the large monster and the fight on the yacht was good the events around them and the rescue of Han were just poorly thought out and written.
Luke then learns that Leia is his sister. The woman he made out with in the Empire Strikes Back turns out to be his sister. It’s a good twist and becomes relevant in the dual with Vader but, eww.
The worst part of The Return of the Jedi is the teddy bears. Both the the rebels and the Empire had weapons technology far more advanced than we do, they have greater tactical knowledge then the stone age tribe of teddy bears and Luke can move things with his mind yet the stone age tribe of teddy bears captures the heroes and later kicks the asses of imperial storm troopers.
The walkers in The Empire Strikes Back were awesome, they were menacing, a real threat to the rebels and because of them the Empire won the battle and took the base. The walkers in The Return of the Jedi are flimsy things that were easily captured and could have been taken out with a modern RPG or even a good throw of a grenade. One gets taken out by two logs, a trap made very quickly by the teddy bears that consists of two longs suspended from the trees swing down and crush the walker. Try that with a modern tank, you’d only get some minor dents, some scratched paint and some very pissed off people in that tank.
The worse part of the ground battle is just how stupid the Empire is. They have vehicles that can fly and total air superiority. Carpet bomb the forest until both the rebels and the stone age tribe of teddy bears have been decimated! When the victory of the hero’s is dependent on the villains grasping the idiot ball like it’s their new born child; thats not bad writing, that horrible writing.
This movie doesn’t suck though. It has very shitty parts but it has some very good parts as well.
You’d think that I’d complain about the death of Yoda, with the whole dieing mentor cliché but in Return of the Jedi it works. While the death of Obi Wan was the mentor dieing so the hero can come into his own cliché and unnecessary (Obi Wan was old man long passed his prime, he could have taken a support role while Luke saves the galaxy) the death of Yoda leave Luke as the last of the Jedi (well non-ghost Jedi), the last real chance of defeating the Emperor and Vader (unless someone blows what ever ship they’d be in) and the last chance to restoring the Jedi order. I know a criticism of this argument will be: “Obi Wan would still have had to have died for Luke to be the last Jedi”. Yes but his death could have had more meaning. Instead of just being cut down by Vader he could have died in The Empire Strikes Back perhaps fighting off the storm troopers on the Hath base to give the last few ships the extra time they need to escape. If he had died in The Empire Strikes Back it would have made the ending better, not only is Han frozen and on his way to Jaba’s, not only has Luke’s hand been cut off but they also lost a valuable member of the rebellion and one of the last few Jedis in existence.
The space battle over Endor was beautifully done. It was an epic battle and probably one of the if not the best space battle in any media up to this point.
The temptation of Like (what the whole trilogy lead up to) was brilliantly done. The duel between Luke and Vader was awesome. When Luke was pushed too far, he dips into the dark side, at that moment he could turn but he stops, throws down the lightsaber and refuses to fall to the dark side. When the Emperor is torturing Luke Vader watched torn between the life of his son and his loyalty to his master and chooses his son, a son he never knew.
Luke could have fallen to the dark side here and if he had all would have been lost. The Emperor would have escaped the collapsing Death Star and Luke could have been used to infiltrate the rebels and take them down from the inside.
Original Trilogy as a whole
The first movies was clichéd out the ass and the third had some really bad moments but on the whole, as a single story: it is good but it is not as good as it is often portrayed. It is not worth the geekdom it gets but it’s is good.
There are a few issues that go throughout the trilogy. Why is every planet in the Star Wars movies single biome planet? Why is Tatooine a desert planet? Why couldn’t Tatooine have different environments including woods, lakes, glacier, etc and Luke just grew up on the desert part of Tatooine? Why is Hoth an ice world? Why couldn’t the base be in the arctic region of Hath? Why is Dagobah all swamps? Why was Endor a forest moon? If you want a certain environment set the story in a region that fits that environment don’t make the whole planet that environment.
The use of alien languages was very good and a very good idea, it created non-terrestrial atmosphere but they could have at least made it sound like languages. Chewbacca only makes three sounds and he is supposed to have a complex language. At least give the aliens a variety of vocalizations so it at least sounds like there is a language there.
Why are humans so prominent in the galaxy far, far away? The existence of human aliens in the galaxy far, far away doesn’t bother me. Given all the possible forms life could take the chances of humans evolving somewhere else is slim to none but by setting the story in a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away it gets around that. The majority of rebellion and it seems all of the imperial military are human. Given the number of aliens species seen in the trilogy you’d think that at least the rebellion if not both the imperial military and rebellion would be a lot more diverse.
Speaking of diversity: where are the black people, Asians, Indians, American Indians, etc? Not only are the imperial military and rebellion both speciesist but apparently racist too.
Thats the trilogy and I would stop here but there is another. That right and I must talk about them now. The *shudder* prequel trilogy.
Where the original trilogy is good but overrated the prequel trilogy just sucks. There is good parts but a few flakes of gold in a pile of shit doesn’t change the fact that it is a pile of shit.
The Phantom Menace
Right away it starts off stupid. The Trade Federation invades Naboo in order to force its queen (who was 14 and elected) to sign a treaty. How long did the Trade Federation think they could keep the invasion a secrete? It would only be a madder of time before some one gets a hold of a hyperdrive capable ship or someone figures out how to get a message out plus there were two Jedi there that they tried to kill. How long until the Jedi order sent more Jedi to investigate their missing Jedi? Why in any sane universe would the republic or any one else recognize a treaty signed in those conditions? Say everything went according to the Trade Federations plan, what then? As soon as the facts of the invasion of Naboo got out the Trade Federation would be in a lot of shit (“Just as planed.”), the Nabooins would only fallow the treaty so long as they are forced to and in any sane universe the republic would not recognize such a treaty so with out the threat of the Trade Federation droid army you know the Nabooins would take that treaty wipe their ass with it and throw it right in the Trade Federations faces. Maybe Palpatine/Sidious used jedi sith mind tricked the Viceroy but he couldn’t have been the only ones in charge of the Trade Federation and even if he was you’d think those limitedly beneath him would point out how stupid it is. The invasion makes no sense!
In The Empire Strikes Back Obi Wan said Yoda was the one who trained him George Lucas decided to completely ignore that and instead gave us Qui Gon (another mentor destined to die) who is completely unnecessarily. Everything Qui Gon did Obi Wan could have done and the character of Obi Wan was pushed to the side to make room Qui Gon, so far to the side that the only impact on the plot Obi Wan had was killing Darth Maul and taking Anakin as his apprentice. Qui Gon should have been Obi Wan and if Qui Gon Obi Wan already had an apprentice that apprentice should have been killed by Darth Maul. If Qui Gon was Obi Wan and Obi Wan already had an apprentice who was killed by Darth Maul that would have put Anakin in the shadow of the previous apprentice which would have given Anakin a reason to resent Obi Wan which could have been a factor pushing Anakin to the dark side.
Speaking of Darth Satan: Darth Maul is one of the most poorly and underused characters of all time. We learn nothing about him, the only effect he has on the story he has is killing Qui Gon. This character had so much potential yet the character was just thrown away. If his character was developed and he survived to take the role Dooku had he could have been the Darth Vader of the prequel trilogy. This could have added a sub plot where Obi Wan had to deal with a want for revenge which threatened to turn him to the dark side.
Combining the two; Qui Gon was Obi Wan and he already had an apprentice who was killed by Darth Maul who survived and became the main enemy of the trilogy. Anakin felt like he lived in the shadow of Obi Wans previous apprentice which causes Anakin resent Obi Wan. On top of that Anakin wanted out of the Jedi order but felt like he couldn’t leave because he has nowhere else to go until he and Padme fell in love but war was on and Anakin felt like he couldn’t leave the Jedi order yet because he has to fight for the Republic.
Dath Maul killed Obi Wans previous apprentice which allowed Obi Wan to take Anakin has his apprentice placing Anakin in the Jedi order and in the shadow of Obi Wans previous apprentice. When Anakin had the chance to get out of the Jedi order the war with the CIS was on and the CIS was created by Darth Maul. Darth Maul created all three of Anakins problems and Anakin know this. That knowledge created a hatred for Darth Maul. Sidious took advantage of that hatred, convincing Anakin to release his hate on Darth Maul pushing Anakin to the dark side.
Now that would be a good fucking story.
On the Trade Federations ship Qui Gon attempted to burn through a metal door with his light saber, the lightsaber heated the door to the point of being red hot. If a lightsaber is that hot no one (not even a Jedi) should have been able to get near one with out catching fire and trying to hold one would leave your arm super extra crispy all the way down to the bone.
Here is the point where I get to Jar Jar. I don’t need to say any more about him, you already think it so I will not say it.
It wasn’t just Jar Jar, it’s the whole Gungan species. They look and sound like racist caricatures and while I don’t think any one intended for them to be racist caricatures it’s ridiculous that no one caught it during the making of the movie.
Story wise they are completely useless. You could cut out every part except for the part Padme reviles she is the actual queen or (better) that could have been done at some other point making that scene useless. The Gungans serve no other function than needless padding.
They go down to the Gungan city and mind trick the Gungan leader into giving them a vehicle, the Gungan leader give them a submarine and tells them that to get to the Naboo capital they’ll have to go through the core. They have to travel through the core of the planet to get to the capital and apparently the planet completely solid accept for water filed cracks. This isn’t soft science fiction, this is blatant stupidity. It’s so stupid that calling it stupid is insulting to the stupid.
They manage to get the queens off Naboo and escape the blockade then fake meat shield queen thanks the last surviving droid out of all the repair droids on the ship for rapidly repairing the damage sustained during the escape, during the escape and it just happens to be R2-D2. Seriously out of the billions of droids in the galaxy R2-D2 just happens to be one of the repair droids on that ship. Really? Out of all the droids in the galaxy R2 just happened to be on that ship?
They have to land on Tatooine and where they meet Anakin who is a slave. They have all that robotic and computer technology and there is still slavery. Padme mentions that slavery is illegal in the republic. Really? You people have slaves! You enslave sentient machines! However if the prequel trilogy was planed out; I can see the irony of that putting in that statement considering the clone slave army the Republic will have in Attack of the Clones but I just don’t think George Lucas planed anything.
The Gungans are not the only aliens who look and sound like bigoted caricatures, Watto (the alien who owned Anakin) looks and sounds like an anti-semitic caricature. Again: I don’t think this is intentional, I don’t think George Lucas is racist or anti-semitic it just shocks me that no one caught this.
How does Watto fly? Watto somehow hovers in the air flapping these tiny wings, wings that are too small, he could never get enough lift off of those wings even if he was traveling 1000 miles per hour.
The pod race: I know Anakin is a slave at this point but who would let a 9 year old boy in a race that dangerous? You would think that even on Tatooine the racing officials would say “Sorry minimum human age for entries is 16.”
Qui Gon took Anakin with him back to Naboo, he took a 9 year old boy into a war zone. No one spoke out against it? No one said: “leave the little boy on Coruscant, a war zone is no place for a child!”? Does no one in this galaxy gave a shit about the safety of children?
The Gungan’s are supposed to be technologically advanced species maybe be not as advanced as the rest of the galaxy but they do have technology. Yet when they fight the battle droids, they use blue balls that they throw, sling and catapult at the droids. They can build underwater cities, shields that can keep out water, keep in air and still allow people to pass through them, a shield generator that can protect a small army from blaster cannons and those blue balls which some how take out droids yet they don’t even have simple guns. That’s just stupid!
To make it worse: like I’ve already said the Gungans are completely useless story wise. All they do is pad out the story.
Young Anakin, at age 9 by shear luck pilots a star fighter and takes out the ship controlling the battle droids when trained pilots couldn’t. Again: That’s just stupid! I could buy it if Anakin was a trained Jedi at that point but he wasn’t.
No! Sidious piloted the fighter using the force so that the Trade federation would be defeated and punished which helped lead to the formation of the Confederacy of Independent Systems (“Just as planed.”).
As for the rest of the movie: the fight with Darth Maul was the best fight in the prequel trilogy but not as good as the fights in the originals, the scene in the senate were not that bad but the rest of the movie wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either
This movies doesn’t fit with the rest of the prequels, its feels life a separate story. The original trilogy works as a single story, if you take out the opening scrolls of The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi and place all three movies back to back it would work as a single movie. Act one: A New Hope, Act two: The Empire Strikes Back and act three: Return of the Jedi. The prequal trilogoes don’t work that way. Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith works as as single story but The Phantom Menace doesn’t with the other two to make a single story. The Phantom Menace feels like a separate story. The Phantom Menace feels like the beginning of a story that was never completed instead it looks like George Lucas threw out that story and started a new one.
This makes me think that Lucas know The Phantom Menace sucks. Lucas saw the finished product, saw that it sucked and decided to start over.
Attack of the Clones
Attack of the Clones, the movies that turned Darth Vader into a whiny bitch! Luke was whiny in A New Hope but he quickly got over that, Anakin became more whiny as the prequel trilogies went along!
Much of this movie is poorly written especially any part dealing with Anakin and Padme and to make the bad writing worse it was very poorly exacted. For example:
“Padme: Your not all powerful.
Anakin: I should be! “
That is just shit! There is no way to make that good. Anakins response should have been: “I know!”, said with anger in his voice, “I know.” said calmly, “but sometime- sometimes I wish I was.” said with shame in his voice (he is a Jedi, Jedi don’t seek power).
Some of the lines could have been saved , maybe even good if they weren’t so poorly executed. For example:
“Anakin: I killed them, like animals. I hate them! “
That line could have been so much better. Calm with a hint of anger “I killed them.” more anger “like animals.” anger mixed with shame “I hate them”.
Then there is the whole thing between Padme and Anakin, all of it is poorly written and horribly executed. Virtually every line of dialogue in this plot tumor is crap.
“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth. “
What? It wouldn’t have been as bad if it didn’t take up so much of the movie. Half the movie was wasted on it. I know it was necessary but if Lucas couldn’t write a good love story that worked with the rest of the movie or at all then he should have cut it down to one scene or hire a better writer and let him make something that is actually good.
I can accept the characters speaking english and them using english idioms and phrases, that is necessary because we need to understand what they are saying but placing a 50’s style diner in the galaxy far far way, that’s just stupid! A along time ago in a galaxy far far away with a 1950’s American style diners. In another story it could have worked but in Star wars, it’s just stupid.
The clones all come from Jango Fetts DNA and Bobba Fett is the clone son of Jango Fett. In a galaxy teaming with life and has hundreds of trillions if not quadrillions of individuals and hundreds of billions of humans the bounty hunter that will hunt down Han is the clone son of the one who the clones troopers are clones of.
Speaking of the clones: why the hell is the republic senate talking about creating a clone army? Why clones? The worlds in the republic probably already have their own deference forces, take solders from those defense forces, conscript them into an army for the Republic then conscript a few trillion more and you have a a grand army of the Republic. I understand Sidious’ motivations for wanting a clone army (hell he’s probably the one who ordered the clones (“Just as planed.”)) but why would anyone else go for it?
I understand they had to use the clone army after the war was on but the clone were accepted too easily. A group of worlds defect from the Republic and create the Confederacy of Independent Systems, this Confederacy builds a large droid army, the Chancellor is talking about creating a clone army, wants special powers in order to do so, gets those powers and a clone army commissioned by a Jedi for the republic ten year earlier just happened to be discovered just as the vote to give Palpatine special powers was passed. You would think conspiracy theorists would be coming out of the wood works claiming there is some big conspiracy going on and considering just how convenient the discovery of a clone army was you would think people would be listening to those conspiracy theorists (“Just as- no, wait. Shit! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!”).
Then there is the morality of using what amounts to slave child solders. Again I get that once the war was on they had to use the clones but there was talk of creating a clone army before the clones were discovered. That means at the most creating a clone army wasn’t considered that immoral. Creating an army of slave child solders at the most wasn’t considered that immoral.
Putting the morality issue aside; it’s just a bad idea. The clone troopers are are slaves who have been robed of their childhood and sent to fight and die in a war while the people of the Republic sit back and do nothing. How long until the clones start getting pissed about this? How long before the clones start thinking: “This is our Republic not theirs! We fight for it and we die for it while they set on their asses all day!”? How long before the clones decide to take over? (“Just as- why is that Tie fighter heading straight for me?”) With conscripted or a volunteer army the solders loyalty would be ensured, they are citizens of the Republic, their friends and families are citizens of the Republic. With clones their family are their brothers, their friends are their brothers, their brothers who die by the millions defending the Republic. They may start out loyal but that loyalty is by no means assured or permanent.
Why doesn’t the Republic have a standing military or at least a reserve military? How the fuck could this republic defend it self against threats to it? I find impossible to believe that the Confederacy of Independent Systems would be the only ones who wanted to take on the defenseless Republic. Okay they did use the Jedi but how many Jedi could there have been? Maybe the majority of the Jedi couldn’t get to the arena in time but even if one 1 in 10 could get to the arena in time that is still a tiny army even when you take into account how powerful the Jedi are. The idea that the Republic would have no military or anything other than the Jedi to defined and enforce Republic law is ludicrous to say the least.
While the lightsaber duals in The Phantom Menace were good, the ones this movie suck. It doesn’t even look like they’re fighting, they are too stylized, they looks fake (yes they are fake but they shouldn’t look fake). Even the fight between Yoda and Dooku (what should have been the most awesome battle of the movie) is just Yoda jumping around.
The fight between Dookie and Yoda should have gone like this: Yoda (taking full advantage of his stature) darts between Doodoo’s legs quickly stops and turns to take out Doodie’s calves. Poopie turns, blacks Yodas lightsaber and swings at Yodas head with his. Yoda blocks, leaps into the air then force throws Poopoo across the room. Caca quickly gets to his feet. Yoda throws his lightsaber at Turd. Excrement deflects the lightsaber. Yoda using the only force throws his lightsaber back at scat. Fecal Matter deflects again. Yoda (before Feces can react) grabs his lightsaber out of the air and slams himself into Craps chest then goes for the fatal blow. Shit force throws Yoda away before Yoda could kill him.
Need a I say anything about From The Ass’ name or have I said enough? I think I’ve said enough.
This parts of Attack of the Clone that were good, were good, the parts that were bad though were excruciating. The assassination, clones and separatists stories were good, the battles between the clones and the droids were good, I even liked the part when force pulls his out lightsaber (“Smack me she did then. Lesbian she is. Resist my sexy how else can she?”). The love story, Anakin mother, the gladiatorial arena, R2-D2 and C-3PO, the politics, the lightsaber battles, they all sucked and they dragged the whole movie down.
Revenge of the Sith
This movie not only proves that Lucas doesn’t like fans of Star Wars but has contempt for them. The Phantom Menace sucks but that was the first movie he wrote in a long time so he could have been rusty. Attack of the Clones sucked but he was trying a love story and political story and he is just not good at those. He had a chance to learn from his mistakes but he still made them and many more. There is no reason that by the making of Revenge of the Sith any of these mistakes would have been made. Even after the two previous fuckups Revenge of the Sith should have been a great movie.
First 15 minutes of the movie we are introduced to Grievous. Now I never watched the Clone Wars cartoon (the shorts that came out between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith) but from what I’ve heard the Grievous in those cartoons was a badass cyborg who ate Jedi for breakfast, the Grievous in this movie isn’t even threatening. He spends most of the what would be fights running away, he seems to have lung cancer and in the final fight between him an Obi Wan he is killed with a few shots from a blaster.
To make it worse Dooku, the enemy who has proven himself to be smart, cunning and an actual threat is killed off in the first 15 minutes. Perhaps this was Lucas trying to start over again. Of course it didn’t work.
Anakin is still a whiny bitch in fact he whines even more in this movie. The 9 year old Anakin was more mature than this wangsting idiot!
Anakins transformation into a Sith, I know he is supposed to be evil now, I get that but there is a diffrence between becoming evil and leaping off the slippery slope head first into complete monsterdom. You don’t go from good guy whiny bitch to doing what you think you have to do to save your wife and unborn children to killing children and strangling your pregnant wife, the woman and unborn children you turned to the dark side to save in less than an hour! His fall should have happened sooner and the movie should have taken place over a longer time span. If Anakin fell before the Jedi knew Palpatine was Sidious he could have acted like a spy for Sidious and set up the Jedis fall. It would also allow the dark side to stew in his mind for a while corrupting his mind. Anakin shouldn’t have fell on his own. Sidious should have been using a more powerful form the the mind trick on Anakin inserting ideas into Anakins head. If Sidious planted anti-Jedi ideas into Anakins head his turning against the Jedi order and Obi Wan would make more sense it would also makes Anakins fall more tragic.
Of course (needless to say but I’m going to say it anyways) James Earl Jones should never, ever scream “Nooooo!”.
Speaking of the murder of children: “Younglings”? “Younglings”? If you want to take away the horror and tragedy of murdered children you make up a stupid word that means “children”.
The romance between Anakin and Padme is still bad. They have no chemistry Anakin isn’t even likable. Hell some one like Anakin would be lucky to get a pity hand job from someone like Padme. No, no, she doesn’t love him, Anakin force raped her. They have no chemistry, he’s not likeable and even though he is in his 20’s by Revenge of the Sith he is a whiny little brat. Why would she like him? She doesn’t, Anakin the Jedi mind tricked her into thinking she loved him. Anytime Anakin and Padme are together this happens:
“Anakin waves his hand
Anakin: You love me.
Padme: I love you.
Anakin waves his hand
Anakin: You want to have sex with me.
Padme: I want to have sex with you.
Anakin waves his hand
Anakin: You want to have a threesome.
Padme: I want to have a threesome.
Anakin takes out a cell phone.
Anakin: Hey Ahsoka, come to Padmes. “
Speaking of Padme: “She has lost the will to live.” What? You can die from a broken heart but that is a medical condition brought on by stress. People don’t just up and die just because they loose the will to live. She just has twins she couldn’t muster up enough will to take care her children. Oh yeah then there was that one thing in Return of the Jedi. What was it? Oh yeah:
“Luke: Leia, do you remember your mother? Your real mother?
Leia: Just a little bit. She died when I was very young.
Luke: What do you remember?
Leia: Just… images really. Feelings.
Luke: Tell me.
Leia: She was… very beautiful. Kind, but sad. Why are you asking me this?
Luke: I have no memory of my mother. I never knew her. “
The fight between Obi Wan and Anakin and Dooku was actually looked like a fight but the other lightsaber fights sucked.
The fight between Obi Wan and Anakin didn’t look like a fight, they looked like they were dancing, spinning around and twirl their lightsabers for no reason. They spend a portion of the fight standing on floating things that look stupid. Anakins defeat is pathetic, instead of jumping to the left of Obi Wan out side of Obi Wans striking distance Anakin tries to jump over Obi Wan placing himself in striking distance. A Darwin award worthy move.
The fight between Yoda and Sidious was better but still bad, Yoda still jumps around too much though it did get better when Sidious started hurling those pod things at Yoda but the actual lightsaber part sucked.
Yoda was on the Wooki home world, guess who he knows there. Thats right, out of probably billions of wookies, he knows Chewbacca. It’s a small galaxy after all. It’s a small galaxy after all. It’s a small galaxy after all. It’s a small galaxy.
By far the worse part of Revenge of the Sith is the dialog, much of it is bad and the dialog that isn’t bad is forgettable.
“In my opinion the Jedi are evil “
You’re in a fight not a debate you idiot!
“No, no, no you will die! “
Good come back dumb ass.
“I have the high ground “
Which would only mean something if your opponent would do something stupid like jump over you and place him self in strik- oh yeah he did. You must have trained him well.
“Only a sith deals in absolutes. “
Which being an absolute would make you a sith Obi Wan. Oh and Yoda (“Do or do not. There is no try.”) too.
“Anakin: You are so beautiful.
Padme: It’s only because I’m so in love.
Anakin: No. It’s because I’m so in love with you.
Padme; So love has blinded you?”
Anakin: That’s not exactly what I meant. “
… Anakin, Padme: no more booze! And what the fuck are you doing drinking Padme? Your pregnant! You’re not supposed to drink!
In The Phantom Menace the trade federation firmly grasped the idiot ball, in Revenge of the Sith the Jedi have an idiot boulder. The Jedi in the prequel trilogy were never that smart but in Revenge of the Sith they really take the cyanide cake. They learn that their commander and chief, the guy who controls the senate and the courts, the guy who could order the clone army to do what ever he wanted them to do, the guy who is effectively a dictator of the republic is a sith. What do they do? Do they demand (before the senate and the people) that Palpatine relinquish his power and place the senate back in charge and when he refuses they then use that and the fact that he is a sith to gain allies in order to ultimately force him out of power with backing from the Senate and the people? No, that would be the smart thing to do. Instead they go arrest or kill him. (“You serous? Wow. Well if you’re going to hand my victory I guess I might as well take it.”)
If they succeeded in arresting him he would back in power in time and the Jedi would be considered traitors, if they succeeded in killing him they would have to deal with those in the military and senate who were loyal to Palpatine and those who would take advantage of the situation to further their own ambitions. At best it probably would have lead to a civil war (see the assassination of Caesar), with a possible a military dictatorship if the Palpatine loyalists win and the Jedi would be blamed no matter who wins.
Ether way it ends very badly for the Jedi and badly for the Republic. At that point the Republics future was either civil war or dictatorship, if the Jedi had played their cards right they could have came out as heroes fighting for the Republic, democracy, freedom and might have won and restored the Republic but they acted rashly and with out thought. The result: the Republic became the Empire and the Jedi were all but wiped out.
Revenge of the Sith had a few so bad its good moments, the effects were good, one of the lightsaber battles was good but that’s about it. Cut out most of the forgettable dialog, add a laugh track and you’d have an action comedy. Just imagine some of the really bad dialog with a laugh track; “He killed younglings.” *fake audience laughs* It wouldn’t be Star wars though.
The prequel trilogy as a whole
The prequel trilogy as a whole: they suck!
Darth Vader was an ultimate badass black knight, isntead of making Anakin an ultimate badass Jedi knight seduced by the power of the dark side until it twisted his mind, Lucas made Anakin a whiny bitch who goes to the dark side to save his wife then leaps off the slippery slope. Now I am not against stories of people sacrificing everything including their humanity to save the ones they love, those do make good stories it doesn’t make a good origin story for Vader especially when he then tries to strangle his pregnant wife.
R2 and C-3PO: they have no place in these movies. In the original trilogy they worked, they worked well. They weren’t just comic relief (which Star Wars not only didn’t need, having comic relief characters actually hurt the movies) characters just thrown in, they had a roles to play and they were vital to the plot. Cut out every virtually every scene with R2 and C-3PO prequel trilogy and it wouldn’t effect the story.
The story of the prequel is a massive idiot plot. Everyone except for Sidious had to act like idiots in order for the story to work. That is just bad story telling. The rise of the Empire should have been more akin to the rise of Caesar with Republic solders loyal to Sidious marching on Coruscant and forcing his rule upon the Republic rather than the senate just handing it to him.
The wiping out of the Jedi: the Jedi just walked in and gave Palpatine reason to wipe them out. If Palpatine came to power with a military coup and a civil war followed where those loyal to the senate (including the Jedi) fought against the Republic military who backed Palpatine with the Republic loyalists loosing and then Jedi get declared enemies of the state and hunted down, that would have not only worked but been a far better story.
The overuse of CGI and green screens dragged the movies down effects wise. Farscape was a space opera show on the SciFi channel (until it got screwed over). Instead of soly relying on green screens and CGI the makers of Farscape used actual sets, puppets, animatronics and make up and it looked awesome.
Look at Aliens, the later original series Star Trek movies, the Original trilogy, Jurassic Park, (again) Farscape. They used either all practical or a combination of CGI and practical. I’m not saying practical is better. CGI is a tool but it is not always the best tool. CGI is at its best when you don’t notice it, when it flows seamlessly into the practical. They are both tools and they are both good at certain things and bad at certain things. CGI is better at space battles, backgrounds large structures and sets that would be impractical to do in practical, practical at interactions, and close ups. Compare Jaba the Hut in the A New Hope Special edition (top) and Jaba the Hut in Return of the Jedi (bottom). the practical Jaba is superior to the CGi Jaba.
Both CGI and practical have a place and they can work together to make a better effects. If you’re looking at an army from a distance CGI is the way to go, if you’re looking at solders close up use practical with CGI backgrounds. The fights with Yoda could not be done in practical they had to be done in CGI but when they could have used the puppet Yoda they should have. There were many scenes in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith when the use of a puppet Yoda would have looked better.
The Clone Wars
I feel sorry for Star Wars geeks, they have a trilogy of good movies that they love. Then Lucas makes the shit filled prequel trilogies and then makes The Clone Wars.
First I will say something nice about The Clone Wars: where the fuck was this Anakin in the prequels? This is the Anakin we wanted, not the whiny bitch we got.
Note: I haven’t seen the later seasons.
They introduce a new character, a 14 year old girl in a small tube top fighting in a war; a scantily dressed child solder. And she is annoying, annoying as hell.
What is the point of this character? An annoying character who was never seen or even mentioned in Revenge of the Sith who if she survived to the time of Revenge of the Sith would die in order 66. Why is she there?
What the fuck is with her outfit? She is 14! Is she supposed to appeal children? Because it looks like she is meant to appeal to a completely different group.
According to TVTropes she was rescued from the scrappy heap so they apparently fixed her but see the note above.
The clones have the worst lot even compared to the droids in the Star Wars universe. They are injured and die on mass. This is supposed to be a children’s show (Personally I would question the wisdom of making a children’s show out of a series of movies where some one is either cut in half our looses a limp in every frekin’ movie)? How did they get away with that? They don’t even die off screen, they die (some in horrible ways) on screen, in supposedly a children’s show! Now I think children can handle a lot more than adults give them credit for but this is ridiculous.
In Revenge of the Sith Grievous was demoted from badass to a joke and in The Clone Wars he was demoted again to ineffectual villain. This is even brought up in the show. He is (hopefully was) almost sympathetic. He is supposed to be a badass Jedi killer, he is supposed to be terrifying. He is not terrifying in this show, he is pathetic.
The whole series screams “mistake!” They introduce a new character who is destined to die but can’t die in series because she is a 14 year old girl. You know Anakin, Obi Wan and any Jedi seen in Revenge of the Sith are going to live and Ahsoka will not be killed in series shattering any dramatic tension.
There was 10 years (in universe) between The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. There are enough stories there to make a long running series. Not being constrained by a war, a series about Obi Wan and a young Anakin would have allot more story opportunities than The Clone Wars does. Making a series about Obi Wan and a young Anakin could even redeem the character of Anakin, by exploring what made Anakin a whiny bitch you could turn him from an annoying and pathetic character to a tragic one.
The Special Editions
On a list of unnecessary alterations to movies the the “special editions” are if not the top three are in the top ten. The changes range from unnecessary to bad to WTF.
All the updated effect are unnecessary. When I watch the original series of Star Trek I don’t care that the effects look like crap, I know it was made in the 60’s for T.V.. The effects in the effects Original, Original Trilogy weren’t half bad by todays standards and were ground breaking for the time, they didn’t need an updating and the updates don’t help the movies either.
Jaba the hut is supposed to be a huge, fat, gluttonous slug thing. The Jaba we see in the addition is too small. Even if we ignore that, it looks terrible. It looks like CG, the Jaba in Return of the Jedi looks far better.
The addition of CG animals and droids to scenes with practical animals and droids just doesn’t work. the additions look like CG and do not work well with what’s already there.
The Changes to the ending of Return of the Jedi: Why? The scenes showing parties across the Empire are just unnecessary and stupid. No one thinks that the Empire is completely defeated. The Emperor, Vader and millions of storm troopers are dead but the imperial military is not completely destroyed and you know there are probably a few more years of war before the Empire is truly defeated so the celebrations don’t make any sense. Then to top that off they remove the actor playing the force ghost of Vader and replaced him with the whiny bitch.
The stupid alien music video that interrupts Return of the Jedi. Just: why?
The Original trilogy while being overrated is good and if it had been left there Star Wars as a whole would have remained good but overrated. Star Wars as a whole has been dragged down by the prequels and the “special editions”. If Lucas had just left it alone it would have stayed good and his legacy would have been secure but he couldn’t leave well enough alone.
The original trilogy is good so the rest can go fuck itself.