The joining in holy matrimony by Prince William and future princess Kate Middleton this month seems to be setting a lot of precedents for the future of current or future royals. Paring down the royal wedding flamboyance to a level that a commoner can appreciate is essentially actions that could have been put into words in a new rule book. And we should be a little surprised that a book hasn’t been written on how to conduct a royal wedding without excessive pomp and circumstance…with emphasis on the circumstance.
But based on the more grounded wedding rules being set by William and Kate, I’ve managed to assemble a royal wedding rule book that can be applied by either royals or anybody considering an expensive wedding and life together. While some rules are based on the facts we already know, I’ve also taken liberty to create a few new ones as mere extensions of the new Windsor wedding precedent:
Rule #1: Bride Should Arrive by Car Instead of Carriage
Future royal brides should now and forever arrive by a vehicle instead of by golden, horse-drawn coach. Reportedly, Kate Middleton will arrive to Westminster Abbey via a 1950’s Rolls Royce for the first time in royal history to finally bring the present to the present. For all intents and purposes then, it’s prudent to pick a Rolls Royce that has shatter-proof windows to avoid angry anti-monarchists who keep baseball bats behind their backs at all times. It’s also important for the bride to learn how to wave out the window, despite raiding the wet bar in the back seat on the way to the wedding location.
However, if you think a Rolls Royce still gives connotations of royal grandiloquence, consider being more current and arrive in an electric car. If it happens to be an Aston Martin, you will not speed by the commoners waving to you alongside of the road.
Alternative vehicles that pass within the William & Kate wedding precedent include a minivan, a borrowed Popemobile or Radio Flyer wagon being pulled by royal guard.
Rule #2: Lack of Nod or Curtsy isn’t a Criminal Act
While the general protocol will be to nod (if a male) or curtsy (if a woman) to William and Kate if standing near them, it’s also acceptable to just smile or even utter their name without the addresser being berated. The caveat is that this needs to be done only when the older royals aren’t within earshot to avoid connotations of the addresser’s head being taken off.
Not acceptable: “You go girl!”, “Oh-em-gee!”, use of gang symbols, or “I’m (bride’s) former fiancé.”
Rule #3: It Doesn’t Mean a Thing if the Groom Has No Ring (with Exceptions)
If you, the groom, don’t feel comfortable wearing a ring on your finger during the wedding ceremony, Prince William has set a new bar. In the event it’s due to ineptitude slipping on rings, you still need the aptitude to place a ring on your bride’s ring finger. Should you decide to wear a ring temporarily, the rules prohibit you trying to feverishly yank it off as you kiss the bride or walk down the aisle.
Should you decide to not wear your wedding ring when out and about alone, you will not give the impression that you’re single to a single woman, man or other. During the times this might be implied, you need to show a lipstick stain, a tattoo or other physical evidence within reason that you’re married to a fellow royal. A prenuptial agreement shall be locked away somewhere in a safe location in the event you choose to not reveal you’re married and act upon it.
Any royal who attempts to make him or herself look single merely for the sake of merely attracting attention or crowds at public gatherings shall be sent to marriage counseling before opening the safe containing the prenuptials.
For those royal grooms who merely suffer from a fat ring finger, alternative places suitable for wearing the ring include: On the thumb, forefinger or the pinky. Not acceptable: Nose, ear, tongue or any place below the waist.
Rule #4: You Can Have Any Cake You Want & Eat it Too
Not allowed: Sticking one’s face into the dessert and gaining 40 lbs. a mere hour after being married.
Additionally, if the bride insists on fruitcake as Kate Middleton will, you’re both allowed to use it as a doorstop in the event of faulty door hinges at the honeymoon location.
Rule #5: No Arguing Over Who Cleans the Toilet
William and Kate set a decree: You no longer will be relying on personal servants to do everything for you once you experience domestic bliss together. This means doing your own cooking, cleaning and basic errands. When the toilet happens to run over, the previous servant stationed in the bathroom quarters will not go running with a gold-plated plunger to take care of it for you.
One day of lessons will be provided by the terminated bathroom servant on how to properly use a plunger. The stick side is the part you hold and not to be used to unclog an obstruction.
Rule #6: The Royal Wife Can Buy a Replica of Her Lost Ring
With Kate Middleton wearing the same wedding ring Princess Diana wore, it might be daunting to think of it going missing. This rule book plans for such an event and has a contingency plan to prevent panic among the royal family. If the bride’s wedding ring goes missing within the first year of marriage, she’ll be assigned a week to stay up into a.m. hours and watch TV infomercials until a mail-order ad comes on selling a replica of the same ring.
In America, this has already been done on cable news channels utilizing a British voiceover actor pitching the ring replica. For other royals in other countries, it’s possible similar commercials will air, depending on how popular you are. With this new groundbreaking rule, you’re now allowed to call a 800-number and make three easy payments of $19.99 for a replica of your missing ring without being berated. The three easy payments can be paid all at once out of the royal fund.
Should you ever experience berated treatment from royals-in-law due to this replacement, you have a new rider in your marriage contract that still gives you freedom to be an average mail-order consumer. However, this has to stay within a framework of rings from Home Shopping Network, juicers, George Foreman grillers and wonder bras.
Rule #7: No Panicking Over Becoming King & Queen
If the people decree you to be a young King and Queen over aging current royals, you must do so to keep the populist peace. All of the above after-marriage rules still apply even if you become the official rulers of your country. You’re also allowed to hold poker games in the palace and make amusing conversation about how many Kings or Queens you have in a hand.
Stipulations that apply: You must take the abdicated, aging royals out for rides, walks and to the mall on weekends or whenever they request it.