I love Alice. She is one of my dear friends. She is married to Jim and they have three lovely children. All boys under the age of ten. Can you imagine? Alice lost her mind a long time ago. Just kidding. I tell her that all of the time and she agrees with me. We laugh together. She says it takes some form of mindlessness to raise children. Or either freak out and go mad. It is much better to be mindless, sometimes, so says Alice. I believe.
So, I called Alice this morning. “What are you doing?” I ask. “I’m riding the washer.” She says to me. I am stunned into a fifteen second silence by that remark. Then I broke into hysterical laughter which did not stop for another thirty seconds or so. Alice asked me if I was through and I said I was. I told her I needed further explaining on this matter of her riding her washer. She told me that she thought I might.
Alice said “Well, it all started this morning. You see, my washer has become unbalanced.” “Like you.” I calmly added. Alice laughed. “Yes, like me. Very funny.” Alice continued, saying that washer started wobbling, and then proceeded to try to walk across the laundry room floor. She shoved it back a few times. It kept on wobbling and walking forward. She said she tried to hold it in place but grew tired of that. So, she leapt on top of the washer and sat down. It stopped moving. She was relieved. By this point in the conversation, I started laughing again. About thirty seconds later, she asked me if I was through. “I think so.” I said. “But, I am not quite sure.”
“Well, try to control yourself.” Alice said. I did attempt to. Alice told me that she now had to ride the washer during spin cycles, to keep it in place. I cracked up again. I could not help it. Alice also informed me that she was becoming dizzy and had to wash four more loads of clothes. I knew what was coming next. “Would you be interested in riding the washer?” She dared to ask me. After laughing for about one minute, I managed a “No!” Alice started laughing. “I didn’t think so.” She said.
I had the brilliant idea of asking her why the children could not ride the washer. “Well, they are all gone to school and day care. Also, they do not weigh enough. And, furthermore, I would never do that to my kids. “Oh, but you would do that to a dear friend?” I asked her. “Certainly.” She replied. I sighed quite deeply. I then suggested her calling a repairman. “Oh, no, I couldn’t do that. Jim would get upset. I am sure he can fix it when he gets home.” Alice said. “Well, just wait to wash the clothes until it is fixed.” I wisely stated. “Really, then what will we all wear tomorrow?” Alice asked me. I did not have a clue.
Well, my friend Alice is riding the washer. She should be through around five this afternoon. That is, if she does not fall off and hurt herself. So, all those stories about women and the spin cycle, well, this is what really happened. Just thought you should know. So says Alice.