Today the Potty Wars have begun. I am stocked and ready with all the necessary artillery small lollypops for peepee and giant lollypops for poopy. I have also purchased the required princess panties.
The battle started at sun up when my daughter, May, strolled in my room at five am. “Wuv ya Mamma. Up”
I respond in sleep induced voice, “I love you too May,” and I pick her up into bed.
“Cold, Mamma, Cold.”
I cover May up to her chin and snuggle her tightly. Then it dawns on me, today is the day I am going to potty train my pretty princess. I know it may be early, Mack wasn’t potty trained until his third birthday, but I want her potty trained by our cruise. It would save space in our luggage if I didn’t have to pack bulky diapers.
“May you need to go potty. Come on get up”
“No Mamma, no potty. Cold.”
I pull the covers off of May and she pretends to shiver. She is such a drama queen. I pick her up in my arms and carry her to the bathroom. I pull the yellow, pee soaked diaper off of her. I try to hold back the face of disgust at the rancid smell. IT HAS TO BE TODAY!!! I am sick of that smell!!! I place her on the potty while knelling on the floor. Pain shoots through my knees like someone has taken a bat to them. May is resting precariously on the potty, teetering to the point of splashing into the toilet.
“I’m right here. You’re not going anywhere,” I say in my sweetest voice.
She tinkles the littlest bit of pee possible. I wipe her, reminding myself over and over “Front to Back.” I don’t want to drive the hour to the pediatrician for an infection that I caused.
She has remembered the promise of sweets for pee. This realization infuriates me momentarily, how can she remember that she gets a lollypop for peeing but she can’t recall any instruction that I give her in a minute’s time. Oh well, I’ll just have to know NOW that she has a better memory then I was giving her credit for.
I remove her from the potty and she makes a mad dash to the lollypop stash. I open the closet as she bounces for joy. She picks out her lollypop by saying the color on the wrapper.
“Geen, Mamma, Geen. Peeese!”
I hand her the green lollypop and instruct her to sit down while eating it. I then yell across the house, “MACK DO YOU WANT ONE?” I already know the answer so as I’m yelling I place the candy into the closet. Mack HATES sweets, he is the only kid in the world that I know of who despises them.
He doesn’t even respond to my call. He is lost in cartoon land. We’ve all seen those Zombie movies where the monsters wander aimlessly around unaware of their surroundings until the helpless human appears on screen to be mauled to death. Well this is how my children are when they watch cartoons. They NEVER respond to me when in cartoon land. A spaceship could land in the center of my home and if it did not land on the TV they would not notice. But if I take a moments rest from chores I am bombarded with questions and demands.
I hurry to May’s room to find her new panties. I search through the pile for her favorite, Sleeping Beauty. I rush to find May before she pees on my new carpet. She is sprawled out on the floor in cartoon land.
“May, I have your panties.”
She doesn’t respond. I can feel the aggravation rising to my face and my chest thumping. I remind myself that it’s okay, calm down and I hear my mother’s words, “You use to do the same thing.” I walk over to May and pick her up. She still does not notice me. I spin her around and dangle the panties in her face.
“Pitty Mamma, pitty. Mine?”
“Yes they are pretty but if you go potty in them they have to go in the trash. Do you understand?”
I help her into her panties and ask her if she needs to go potty. She tells me “NO,” and is sucked back into the TV. With both kids lost to cartoon land, I wander off to start my chores. Relieved for a moment’s quiet, I think to myself that whatever “expert” said “TV is bad for kids,” is an IDIOT because I know it keeps me from losing my sanity. And we all have heard of moms who have lost that.
I finish most of my chores, while breaking every half hour to take May pee. She goes pee about every other time and has already been given four lollypops this morning. A sugared up kid is better than a kid in diapers any day. I go to my room to fold a basket of laundry.
May walks into my room and says, “Leg wet. Weeeet.”
“Why’s your leg wet?” as if I didn’t know
“Peepeed on four Mamma.”
“Really, May Marie! Where?”
She walks me to the spot of defeat and it’s on the carpet. Why does it always have to be the carpet? With a house half full of tile, why can’t it EVER be the tile? I strip off her panties and drag her by the arm to the trash can so she can watch me throw them away.
“NO Mamma! NOOOOO!”
“YES! May Marie YOU PEEED in them! YUCKY!!!”
I swat her lightly on the tush and take her to the wipes to clean her legs off. Then I grab a diaper knowing that today I was defeated in the first battle of the Potty Wars. And the casualty was my carpet and maybe, just maybe another piece of my sanity.