President Barack Obama has decided against releasing pictures of Osama bin Laden’s dead body as proof that the nefarious terrorist leader was actually killed. “We don’t need to spike the football and I think that given the graphic nature of these photos, it would create some national security risk,” Obama said. “We don’t need to trot out this stuff as trophies.” Obama said there is certainly no doubt among al Qaeda members that bin Laden is dead. “We don’t think a photograph in and of itself is going to make any difference.”
Obama indicated there was no chance he would change his mind about releasing the bin Laden pictures, but he said there’s a possibility the White House would release a peculiar image of a hazy white substance floating up and out of bin Laden’s dead body. “The picture captured something, and we’re not sure what it is, but it looks supernatural and it may be a case for the religious specialists in our country.” Obama said if the White House was to release the Osama bin Laden ghost picture, it would do so without showing Osama’s dead body.
“It is important to make sure that very graphic photos of somebody who was shot in the head are not floating around as an incitement to additional violence or as a propaganda tool.” Obama’s official statements came from a transcript of a presidential interview with CBS’ “60 Minutes”, which is set to air Sunday. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney read from the transcript, where Obama says he discussed the issue of releasing bin Laden’s dead body pictures with Defense Secretary Robert Gates, Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton and various secret intelligence teams. They all agreed it best not to release bin Laden’s death pictures.
“We’re still deciding on the ghost picture. Listen,” Obama said, “I’m a Christian, and I believe the soul goes either up or down, but I think with modern technology, we can, and accidentally do, capture images that are beyond our comprehension and understanding. Again, I’m discussing this with my team [Gates and Clinton, specifically] to decide on the proper action. I wouldn’t mind sharing the ghost picture with the American people. Show them Osama had a soul, if that’s what that picture caught, floating upward. I’m sure, if that was his soul, it wasn’t floating up for long, I’m sure it took a turn south.” The president paused for a moment and then quipped, “We still have his heart, but you’ll have to ask former president Bush to see it.” (read about bin Laden’s heart in a jar next to the famous Bush fetus in a jar)
House Intelligence Chairman Mike Rogers (R-Mich.) announced Wednesday his opposition to releasing the bin Laden pictures. Releasing the pictures would cause unnecessary complication for the troops who are in an already stressful environment. “The risks of release outweigh the benefits,” Rogers said in a statement, wiping his nose with toilet paper. “Conspiracy theorists around the world will just claim the photos are doctored anyway.” Rogers stuffed the wad of toilet paper into his trousers’ front pocket. “And for that damned ghost picture, I’ve seen it, and I don’t believe it. I’m the head of intelligence around here, and I’ve got to set the standard. It’s not a ghost in that picture, it’s an obvious smudge from someone’s finger. If conspiracy theorists could use a little intelligence, we could end this mess without showing any pictures.”
Senate Homeland Security Chairman Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.), also head of the zany cult of Liebermaniacs, said during a Monday press briefing that releasing the bin Laden dead body pictures “may be necessary” to prove Osama’s death to the public once and for all. “My own instinct is it’s necessary to release those pictures,” Lieberman said, “but I will respect whatever decision the president makes.” Lieberman admitted that he’d seen the pictures, and that he’d xeroxed himself a copy — “for the old album of memories,” he said. “I haven’t seen the ghost picture. There’s an Osama bin Laden ghost picture?
“One thing I do know,” Lieberman piped up suddenly, “is that enhanced interrogation led us to Osama. Torture, I’ll just say it, is the only way for this country to go. Torture the hell out of those sand bastards, and squeeze every last drop of information out of them.”