I went from saying nothing, to a blabber mouth to pumping this into my writing repertoire; repertoire, now that’s a word for you. In the beginning, I’d be sitting there, thinking in dribs-and-drabs, nothing really flowing.
I used to slave over the right words to use, but what did I look like, a walking-dictionary, yeah more like a dinosaur. My writing lacked organisation being here there are everywhere, almost like I’d just eaten an upside down cake (but it tasted good); I repeated myself like a (stuttering noise) old fart, ‘did he just say that again’; I had no idea about word limits, on and on and (snore), ‘he’ll get to the point in a minute, you just see’; I had uncomprehendable hand writing almost like discovering an ancient Aztec writing, ‘what on earth is he trying to say?’ and I sweated and squirmed as if I was getting fit sitting in my very own arm-chair.
Me a writer, heh, you got to be kidding, I was a wannabe. But you couldn’t tell me; I thought I could take on Shakespeare man, ‘to be or not to be, this guys off his head’. I remember the day I got a Canon electronic typewriter; no, not a Canon from one of those warships, but to get the writing right, it felt like you had to use one. No the typewriter was almost like a computer, but not quite, alright, in fact, not quite at all; man what an effort. It was like I was an overly-excited, constipated Pianoist, typing, typing and typing some more. Smoke was surely going to balloon out of this thing at any stage, and then, blow up, ‘it’s alive, it’s alive.’ Talk about a patience-tester, this thing-a-ma-jig spurted out 1 line at a time, usually with a dozen mistakes because of my perfect typewriting, not. My blood pressure went past the danger zone man on many occasions, ‘he’s not going to make it’. Then we thought our prayers had been answered with a computer, yeah. But we found out it was a floor model, with ancient software which wasn’t recognised on other computers and decided not to save your precious work on numerous instances, ‘oh my work, what a world, what a world’.
Now the first official piece of writing I did was spectacular. It was supposed to be a 3 page, 1500 word essay. Doesn’t sound hard, you think; from a dolphin I turned it into a humpback whale, 15 pages I did. My lecturer just stared at me, as if to say, ‘what sort of freak are you’. I was just writing and writing; my hands were cramped and cupped like an apeman and there was liquid paper all over my face and fingers like a weirdo art scuplturer; that damn Canon electronic typewriter. My first joke was something of the same nature. It went for, wait for it, 50 minutes; I tell you now you won’t be dying of laughter, you’d be dying of something else. Maybe the first five minutes yeah, but after that… ‘go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep (like singing a lullaby).