My Bad Luck with Cats, Airports and Babies

My living situation is a mess, I’m broke, and my girlfriend left me after I lost my job. I didn’t even just “lose” my job- my boss fired me via text message. Since I don’t have a “texting plan”, I had to pay $.25… Two birds with 1 quarter. I figured now would be a great time to visit my family in NY.

After an 8-hour flight and my current state of affairs, my anxiety was through the roof. I had yet to observe any of my family members arrive to drive me home, but thought I’d wait until I got my suitcase before contacting them to allow for traffic and parking. I was waiting at the baggage claim for my belongings when an old man in front of me hooked his foot around the base of the carousel and bent down to grab his luggage. As he did, he let out a rather disgusting fart that sounded like a horse shrugging. I stood there mortified. The decision to not say anything came easy because the look on my face said enough. After he pulled his bag from the rotation, he looked directly at me and said “Yeah, that just happened” and walked away smiling.

I collected all of my belongings and another 20 minutes later my sister showed up. She gave birth to a son that I had not met until that moment, but was told I’d be babysitting later that evening. I was exhausted from the trip and didn’t want to argue with her. We hadn’t seen each other in years. When we arrived at my parents house, she rushed me inside and showed me where all of the baby’s things were and left me alone with him. I don’t have experience with kids so I just put him in between 2 pillows next to me and took a nap with the cat laying at the opposite edge of the bed. Almost asleep, I felt the cat crawling up my leg. I tried to nudge her aside but she was much heavier than I expected. One swift kick was all it took to get her off of me.

I opened my eyes just as the baby started screaming… I had kicked him off of the bed and into his play pen. Luckily he wasn’t hurt and I realized that’s probably a better spot for him anyway. When he finally settled down I got back into bed with the cat who I was now irritated with. This is her fault I told myself and I wanted to make her aware of it. I decided to put the cat under the covers, and just like the old man at the airport had done, I farted. My smile was short-lived. Whiskers immediately attacked my nuts and I fell out of the bed onto her electric pooper scooper. Needless to say I completely destroyed it, and spent the rest of my trip home cleaning out her litter box. When will it end…