I’ve been reporting on Coney Island’s stunning sideshow performer/actress/singer, “Insectavora “. As you may have heard, she’s donating $10,000 and the worldwide rights to a finished feature film, “Night Of The Day Of The Dawn Of The Son — Part 5,” to charity. She’s using a unique and bold process to get this done. She’s making an offer to a list of major celebrities: review my movie and you can have $10,000 to donate to the charity of your choice along with the worldwide rights to sell to any company you want as long as you take the money from that sale and also donate that money to the charity of your choice. One of the celebrities on the list is Hollywood Actor/Comic Mike Myers. Insectavora got in touch with me the other day and said she had written Mr. Myers a letter. She asked me to print it. Here it is.
Dear Mike Myers,
On July 8, 2011, the space shuttle “Atlantis” shot up into the sky and a group of astronauts are now collecting important scientific info. Oh, and you know what else the astronauts are doing? They’re drinking their own pee! I’m not kidding! You can check this out! Their space suits are outfitted with some special gear that is going to turn their urine into a refreshing frothy beverage! (Note to self: do not become an astronaut.)
This is disgusting but it got me thinking: Many Americans are completely obsessed with celebrities. They sit on their edge of their seats waiting for photos from Kim Kardashian’s wedding or Brad and Angelina’s vacation. They watch Entertainment Tonight or TMZ to get the latest gossip about Johnny Depp or Jennifer Aniston. So, I’m thinking about starting a beverage company that would sell drinkable celebrity urine to the American public. Stick with me on this one because I think there’s a goldmine here.
We contact some A-list celebrities (I’m saying “we” because I want you to be my business partner) and tell them to start saving their urine in five gallons jugs. We’ll set up a little processing plant in your kitchen, kind of like they do with those “make-your-own-beer-at-home” kits. Then we’ll process the piss with that NASA thingamajig and “whammo!” an endless waterfall of celebrity urine will be available for public consumption!
We’ll come up with a marketing campaign about how it’s all healthy and natural and maybe we can even add some flavoring, like lemon or cherry. I’m also thinking we mix in some caffeine and ginseng and make a line of power dinks, like “Reese Witherspoon’s High Energy Urine-Aid” or “Scarlett Johansson’s Power Piss”. And maybe down the line we throw in some alcohol so we can capitalize on the liquor store and bar demographic. Who wouldn’t want to spike the punchbowl with a couple squirts of “Natalie Portman’s Whiskey Pee-Pee”?!
I’m already dreaming about the islands I’m going to buy from my profits. We’ll split it 70/30, me getting 70, you getting 30. You have the contacts with the Hollywood big shots but it’s my brilliant idea, so I deserve the lion’s share.
Well, it’s obvious that this idea is a “no-brainer.” If you want in all you have to do is do me a little favor. I want you to review a movie I’m in. It’s called, “Night Of The Day Of The Dawn Of The Son Of The Bride Of The Return Of The Revenge Of The Terror Of The Attack Of The Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating, Crawling, Alien, Zombified, Subhumanoid, Living Dead ‘” Part 5.” You do that and I’ll give you $10,000 to donate to the charity of your choice and I’ll also throw in the copyright to the film. You can sell the movie to whatever company you want as long as you take the money from that sale and donate it to the charity of your choice. Please think hard about this golden opportunity. It would be a generous and smart move for you to make. Shall we deal you in?
Check out Insectavora’s offer at www.NightOfTheDayOfTheDawn.org