Lauren and Scotty Make the Finals on American Idol, 2011

I was all jazzed to watch Idol last night, watching the 3 finalists visit their hometowns (with police escorts, no less) in their American Idol limousines. Actually, I was all jazzed to watch Haley as she soaked up her Idol fandom in wide-eyed glory- didn’t give a little turd about any of the other finalists as they did the same thing (all 3 cried- Scotty the most-ha ha, although Lauren’s homecoming was touchingly emotional as she had just seen her state’s destruction for the first time). 30,000 people out to see Haley perform? Hell yeah, Haley’s in the finals; not only that, she’s gonna win the whole whole damn thing…so I kept telling my bro and his wife, who were rooting for Scotty. Scotty’s a sissy la la, I kept telling them, to which they would reply that Haley sang like she was constipated…and Lauren, well, eh…she ain’t makin it anyhow, won’t waste commentary on her…

My brother and his wife watched the elimination at our house, and with them being Scotty fans and us rooting for Haley, there was hilarious bickering going on back and forth as we shouted obscenities at the screen every time our least favorite hopeful showed up on stage. We left Lauren alone, for the most part, as no one was a fan of her anyhow. We all basically agreed Lauren was going home last night, so we didn’t throw her into the fire. It was Scotty versus Haley in our house, and we stayed glued to the screen (my fiance paced around the kitchen) as a commercial break predictably occurred before the elimination predicting the 2 finalists.

My initial reaction to Scotty being the first finalist was “AWWWW F****************************************CK!” to which my brother rolled all over the couch laughing uproariously. When Lauren completed the final 2, however, leaving our beloved Haley standing there like someone had just lopped off her arm, my fiance muted the TV and then threw the remote across the living room, announcing (as he paced the living room) that the show was “f*cked” and that he was going to boycott the show for life. Ha ha- guess who’s NOT tuning in next week to watch the finals?

We did unmute the TV to watch Haley perform her final farewell to Idol, singing “Benny and the Jets” with her voice just growling all over the place. She looked like she was having a ball and went out like a star. Meanwhile, during her entire performance, my fiance and I consoled one another over Haley’s surprised departure by repeating over and over, “She doesn’t need this retarded show to make her famous. She’ll have a huge career anyway. Screw Lauren. Why is Lauren still on Idol?! The show is f*cked!” and declaring that we will buy every album Haley ever creates, hell, we’ll buy all her albums!

My brother and his wife, for their part, took Scotty’s achievement in quiet pride, likely hoping that in staying mum the remote wouldn’t get thrown at them. They sat there grinning stupidly while we grumbled and cussed out the show (even more stupidly) and declared our household boycott of Idol and flipping the TV off at random intervals. I got up and sat down over and over so I could air kick the TV, hoping to bash in Scotty and Lauren’s faces through the screen. Take THAT, Scotty! You SUCK, Lauren!

Needless to say, we won’t be tuning in next week to see who wins on American Idol. In my mind, Haley is the only true winner (and Casey, I won’t forget Casey), so no matter who actually wins, even if it’s Lauren (God forbid), I won’t really care. If I had to choose between Scotty and Lauren though, it’s a tough call, I just plain can’t do it. I’m just glad it’s not Jacob. I’ll just say that.

Oh, and for the record, I hope to never get sucked into American Idol ever again. See what happens when you make fun of Idol fans for years? You become one yourself…OI VAY…