The winner of the 2011 Kentucky Derby is Animal Kingdom, rode by replacement rider, John Velazquez. Animal Kingdom’s regular rider was Robby Albarado, who was suffering from a broken nose after being thrown off his horse and kicked in the face before the race. Animal Kingdom claimed it was an accident, that he didn’t mean to break any noses, nor did he mean to win the 2011 Kentucky Derby. “I just ran like hell,” Animal Kingdom said, “and ran and ran and ran.” The horse spat when he talked.
Velazquez said, “For once, I’m on the good end of it.” For the past three years, Velazquez traveled to Churchill Downs with a colt that was considered a leading contender, and each time the colt had been withdrawn. “Tonight I’ll be drinking double Old Fitz’s on ice and talking to whacked out journalists. Animal Kingdom will get some special hay, and maybe I’ll set him up with a pretty mare.”
In this year’s Kentucky Derby, Velazquez was supposed to ride Uncle Mo, but the colt was withdrawn due to lingering indigestion. He’d eaten a pair of panties on of the Derby groupies had left in the horse stall. “I don’t know whose panties they were, but they were of the big kind. A lot of fabric, and Uncle Mo ate the whole thing. No wonder he was sick.” Regular rider Albarado broke his nose, and, Velazquez says, “All of a sudden I pick up this one [Animal Kingdom] and he wins the Derby, so it was meant to be.”
Animal Kingdom had never raced on dirt before, which makes the horse’s derby win rather impressive. He clinched the prize by 2 3/4 lengths. Nehro came in second, and Mucho Macho Man third. When asked about his Kentucky Derby 2011 win, Animal Kingdom said he thought of the recent killing of Osama bin Laden. “I just imagined all those people screaming and shouting and pumping their fists outside of the White House, and I pretended they were doing that for me. I imagined I was racing against terrorism, and the other horses on the track were terrorists, and the only way I could blow up them and their families was by winning. And I did. It’s a good day for America.”
When Velazquez was asked about Animal Kingdom’s bizarre motivation to win the derby, he said, “Are you joking? Horses can’t talk. You stupid SOBs.” Well, how does it feel winning the derby then? one reporter asked. “It’s words that you can’t describe, “Velazquez said. “But I do really feel bad for Robby. I hope he’s winning the Derby with me here. I know he got hurt so this is for both of us, buddy. I know you’re not on it, but I know you’re with me.”
For a startling look at the Kentucky Derby, read Hunter S Thompsons The Kentucky Derby is Decadent & Depraved here.