Representative Darrell Issa (R-CA), Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, held a hearing Thursday to discuss how the current traffic safety system is adversely affecting corporate profits, and therefore preventing job growth. A longtime proponent of corporate deregulation and small government, Issa proposed a host of wide-sweeping deregulation measures that would essentially dismantle the entire system.
“For starters, we need to do away with seatbelts and baby seats; everyday across our great nation, countless car manufacturers must spend an egregious amount of money to outfit their vehicles with these ridiculous and expensive gadgets,” Issa announced at the hearing. “Granted, a baby shouldn’t be allowed to just bounce around the back of a car, but it’s the parent’s responsibility to firmly attach it to the top of their vehicle-you know, just like a bicycle.”
Also present at the hearing to provide their own testimony were three of Issa’s corporate BFFs, including Clay Blackwell, CEO of the National Association of Bad Products Delivered Fast; Elizabeth McBridge, president and CEO of Semens; and Howard Granger, a lead researcher at the Institute of Mo’ Money, Less Rules.
Though all four were pleased with Issa’s decision to highlight the problems with seatbelts and baby seats, they went on to take aim at other sub-components of the American traffic system as well, including stoplights, school zone signs, and speed limits.
“Stoplights are another perfect example of what we’re talking about,” Clay Blackwell argued on the House floor.
“Drivers must constantly stop to translate those weird, hippy-like orbs of flashing, red, yellow, and green lights,” he continued. “Not only do these awkwardly placed liberal disco balls impede Americans from getting to work on time, which causes many of them to get fired, but they also force businesses to funnel money that could be used to hire new employers toward paying for all the extra time truck drivers incur from waiting at these lights.”
Elizabeth McBridge, whose company transports semen to women, many of whom are so desperate to have children that they live right next to a school zone, was more concerned with the effect school zone signs have been having on her business.
“As we know too well, semen has an extremely short lifespan, which is why it’s fundamental that my drivers deliver it to their recipients as quickly as possible,” McBridge contended. “But they can’t do that because of these stupid signs.”
She continued, “You know, just because some parents are too lazy to teach their children how to run across the road fast enough to avoid getting hit doesn’t mean my business should have to be punished for it.”
The harshest criticism came from Howard Granger, a staunch supporter of traffic law deregulation who has dedicated his life to coming up with lousy arguments for why there should be no laws whatsoever. He argued that the traffic safety system isn’t just affecting corporations; it’s affecting politicians as well. In particular, he pointed to the emergency meeting on NPR that was scheduled for Wednesday, March 16.
“If I’m not mistaken, the EMERGENCY meeting had to be cancelled because most of you weren’t able to get to Capitol Hill on time,” he said. “That wouldn’t have happened if there weren’t speed limits.”
Thursday’s hearing came after President Obama publicly called on all Americans to “pay better attention to road signs and stop blowing through stop signs without coming to a complete halt.” The move was in response to a recent report that revealed traffic-related deaths have climbed 10% since 2008.
“Obama has been one of the most corrupt presidents in modern times,” Issa later told reporters, shaking his head in utter disgust. “Stoplights, school zone signs, and seatbelts may save lives, but what’s the point of life if you don’t have enough money stuffed in your underwear to buy yourself a yacht?”
Many business owners across America agree with Issa. Angry with Obama’s dedication to traffic safety, many of them have begun threatening to start laying off employees-even the illegal ones.
“You know, if America continues on this perilous road toward traffic safety fascism, most businesses will have no other option but to outsource their operations and just start shipping their products overseas instead.”
He added, “Oh wait; they already do that.”
Moral of the story #1: Excessive deregulation is bad.
Moral of the story #2: Bush did plenty to help businesses, yet they continued outsourcing.
Moral of the story #3: Darrell Issa is a tool. In particular, he’s a hoe.