I’ve been reporting on Coney Island’s stunning sideshow performer/actress/singer, “Insectavora.” As you may have heard, she’s donating $10,000 and the worldwide rights to a finished feature film, “Night Of The Day Of The Dawn Of The Son – Part 5,” to charity. She’s using a unique and bold process to get this done. She’s making an offer to a list of major celebrities: review my movie and you can have $10,000 to donate to the charity of your choice along with the worldwide rights to sell to any company you want as long as you take the money from that sale and also donate that money to the charity of your choice. One of the celebrities on the list is Ashton Kutcher, the man who landed the job of replacing Charlie “duh, winning!” Sheen in TV land. Insectavora got in touch with me the other day and said she had written Mr. Kutcher a letter. She said she wanted me to print it. So here it is.
I’ve seen your old TV show “Punk’d” a bunch of times and can tell you have a great sense of humor. So check this riddle out: Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere! Get it?! That’s one of my favorites and always gets a big reaction when I tell it at the biker bar I hang out at.
So Ashton, I know you’re time is extremely valuable (considering how much cabbage you bag for your tweets and your new “Two and a Half Men” gig) so I won’t waste it. I come to you Mr. Kutcher with the idea that life is a violent act and we all must do whatever we can to help and protect each other. I am doing my part, that is, as much as I am able. I am starring in a feature film that I, and the two other filmmakers who own the rights to it, have decided to donate to charity. What I want you to do is review this movie. It’s called, “Night Of The Day Of The Dawn Of The Son Of The Bride Of The Return Of The Revenge Of The Terror Of The Attack Of The Evil, Mutant, Hellbound, Flesh-Eating, Crawling, Alien, Zombified, Subhumanoid, Living Dead – Part 5.” You do this and I’ll give you $10,000 to donate to the charity of your choice and I’ll also throw in the copyright to the film. You can sell the movie to whatever company you want as long as you take the money from that sale and donate it to the charity of your choice.
It would be wonderful for you to open your Hollywood heart and help get a giant wad of cash to a needy cause. The time commitment on your part is minimal. Perhaps 90 minutes of sitting on a couch laughing your butt off, another 30 minutes giving notes to an assistant to write a review, and then a few tweets to cement the public awareness. Look deep in your heart dear brother. Don’t let this positive energy burn out into a black cinder. Be the man. It’s all up to you.
If you can’t do this can I at least borrow $600? I’m a little behind on my rent.
P.S. for more info go to www.NightOfTheDayOfTheDawn.org