I’ve been reporting on Coney Island’s “Insectavora.” As you may have heard, she’s donating $10,000 and the worldwide rights to a finished feature film, “Night Of The Day Of The Dawn Of The Son – Part 5,” to charity. She’s using a unique and bold process to get this done. She’s making an offer to a list of major celebrities: review my movie and you can have $10,000 to donate to the charity of your choice along with the worldwide rights to sell to any company you want as long as you take the money from that sale and also donate that money to the charity of your choice. Recently, she was turned down by funny man Adam Sandler. Insectavora wanted to address this rejection and wrote Mr. Sandler a letter. At Insectavora’s request, I’m reprinting it here.
I heard through your office that you rejected my charity offer. I’m sure it was just a mix-up by some hung over intern and as soon as this misunderstanding gets cleared up you’ll put on your Mother Teresa hat and jump aboard. In the meantime let’s move on.
I had a dream about you the other night. We were on a ski trip in Aspen, Colorado and some maniac was on the loose, chasing people with a chainsaw. It turned out it was David Spade just goofing around. You didn’t think it was funny and you broke his jaw. We flew back to Malibu and met with some lawyers because Spade was going to sue. When we were at the lawyer’s office we ran into Owen Wilson. He started hitting on me and you thought that was rude and you chased him away with a broom. Then the police came and they started tickling us and calling us names. And then I woke up.
Hey, here’s an idea for a movie for you and Spade. It is the year 2089. The Earth has been taken over by half man/half crocodile creatures that have emerged from the center of the Earth. You and Spade cruise the scorched landscape in your 1967 Camaro convertible which just happens to have a Heckler & Koch 75mm machine gun mounted on its hood. Yeah, that bad boy comes in handy when fighting the roving gangs of crocodile men. Anyway, you guys end up meeting two tan, athletic girls with very large breasts and very little clothing. The four of you band together and try to figure out how to win the battle against the crocodile men and, more importantly, how the movie can have endless sequels.
The idea needs a little polishing but what idea doesn’t? If you like what you’re reading, talk to my literary agent. His name is Stan and he makes the subs at The Tasty Time Deli in Mountainside, New Jersey.
Okay, I gotta go. But get in touch with me immediately so we can straighten this charity thing out. The world can never have too much kindness. If you’re too busy just get one of your assistants to do the whole thing and slap your name on it. It’ll work either way.
P.S. for more info go to www.NightOfTheDayOfTheDawn.org