The Internet has been severely overloaded ever since Limp Bizkit announced the release of their first single “Shotgun” off their upcoming album Gold Cobra. Millions of fans have not been able to properly sleep or procreate since the Bizkit’s last release in 2005, the Unquestionable Truth (Part 1). When Part 2 looked like it wasn’t coming, the suicide rate among young hip hopper rockers took a dramatic turn toward heaven. It went up and up and up.
Millions, if not billions, of despondent Limp Bizkit fans have sought out the new official single, and after six years of waiting, this day couldn’t have come too soon. For you folks who haven’t listened to the Bizkit before, you can hear the new single here. Some of the song’s best, most intelligent lyrics are as follows (I’ve blocked out the obscenities because I’m a writer with morals):
What you’re gonna do when you’re sitting all alone
In your empty ass home with the mother****ing sawed-off
Pop off the rock ship, pop pop pop off the rock ship!
Now, here is where the lyrics get really deep:
My nose is running like me from the police
It’s been three weeks and I ain’t got no sleep
Now I’m chilling where the players and the hoes be,
With two broke hands trying to roll weed
I knew that there were so many Bizkit fans out there, so many Fred Durst worshipers out there, that I decided to open up the Los Angeles phonebook and just point to a name, and then call the number corresponding with that name. Chances were greater than half that I’d find an L.B. fanatic. And on the first try.
I did. Jeffrey Veal. I won’t tell you in which part of L.A. Jeffrey lives, but I called him. I’d made a deep dig into the phonebook, which is why I’d ended up in the Vs.
Mr. Veal, I said politely when a man answered the phone. The voice didn’t sound well. I couldn’t make out what it was saying. Mr. Veal, I wanted to ask you about the new Limp Bizkit CD coming out June 28th and, more specifically, I wanted to ask you about the new official Bizkit single, “Shotgun”.
Mr. Veal summoned the strength to speak clearly, and he said: “I’m glad you asked. Are you part of the Limp Bizkit PR crew?”
I’d never been so insulted in my life, but I think Mr. Veal meant it in a kind way, so I said, Yes.
“I’ll tell you the truth then. I haven’t had much energy since about 2006. I’d been digging the Truth for about a year, and then I needed another Limp Bizkit hit. Like a junkie needs a hit. But there was no hit available. And in 2007, nothing. I had been used to a lot of Bizkit material, but now there was nothing. I’ve been dying here, man.”
There has been a dearth, I said, of those flappy Fred Durst lyrics.
Nothing, I said.
“I want to headbang again. I want to memorize new rock rap lyrics so I can play them in my headphones and walk around rapping to myself about punks and bros and hoes. You must know the lingo.”
Have you heard the new single? Shotgun?
“I’m too afraid to listen to it. I’ve been needing this for so long I’m afraid it might kill me.”
It’s intense, I said, and I think it’s exactly what you’re looking for, but maybe just listen to the first minute and then turn it off, give yourself a minute to breathe. You’re going to have to work yourself back into this thing. Don’t want to overdose.
“A Limp Bizkit overdose!” Jeffrey shouted. “I’d die and go to Heaven, with Wes Borland crunching his guitar in my face!”
We hung up with cordial words, but I vowed never to speak to another Limp Bizkit fan again. Well, God bless him anyway.
Watch out for that new Limp Bizkit album, Gold Cobra, coming at you June 28. “Shotgun” will be on it.
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