Some times in relationships we make the effort, try very hard to change, learn about the other person to make things better but the change is only short lived and then all the bad habits come right back, so how many times are you suppose to try?
I say try once and if there isn’t an equal reciprocation between you then end it immediately. It will work for a very short period of time and then you will be right back to square one. Seriously everyone knows what I am talking about. I am familiar with the “war stories” of many friends, family and acquaintances, including my own. They all sound the same, it worked for several weeks then it went back to the “normal” way they always were. Then they let it go further and when they can’t and won’t take it anymore, the fight happens or the talk and it gets better again, “the effort is there”, then the comfort sets in again and it happens over and over again. THAT’S WHY I FEEL THAT THE STATEMENT ALBERT EINSTEIN MADE SUITES PERFECTLY, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” It will definitely become an endless job that you will not enjoy and the other person will become your regret. Unless you are smart enough and fed up enough to make the right choice and just walk away! End it! Allow them to find someone that they are better suited for. Love alone can not and will not make a relationship work.
This pertains to different relationships as well. Your mentality stays the same when searching or finding attraction in a person. You look for the same qualities and hope that the behaviors will be different, but your mentality leads you to the same person time and time again. So for me I had to break the cycle. For example if you are that person that always finds people that need nurturing and fixing, you will find them and continuously fix them and walk away empty, or if you are that person that takes over and tries to show your love by financially satisfying your significant other you will continue to waste your time and money over and over again. Some people get stuck falling apart in the arms of their partner “the victim mentality” and lose that person.
Who wants to fix you? It becomes so much work to fix someone that you lose the love & respect of your partner. Go see a counselor and make sure your mentality is strong, your finances are stable, and you are completely ready to have an equal relationship. No one wants to be your teacher, counselor, mother/father, doctor, or anything else. We all want an equal partner and when you go into a relationship with another person be prepared to be that equal if not then wait it out. Don’t jump into it to only disappoint yourself and your partner.
Bad but true, I’ve wasted a lot of my positive energy helping my partners emotionally and in turn get tired and walk after it’s been long and drawn out. That’s when they fall apart wondering why I left or at that time willing to change. But in my heart I know it will never change. No matter how great they look or how awesome their lives look after you walk away, absolutely never go back. The cycle with you as a couple will never change, your mind will revert right back to old habits. So I never look back and never regret my choice. Unfortunately, after you leave they completely change for the better and that’s when you realize you were the enabler to a disastrous relationship!
You will always hear others advise you to find yourself first, or take time for you and love yourself first. While that is great advice, some people already know who they are and already in love and respect themselves. At times its not “you” that is the problem, its what you settle for, what you attract or what you bring into the relationship. I’ve seen myself turn a person from a strong, confident, successful person to the neediest person I have ever come across. I enabled them to become weak with too much nurturing. I have to learn to equally embrace that person and allow them to also contribute to the relationship without completely taking over.
I thought about it and clearly realized that as for finding myself, I know who I am, and I know who I have been for so long, I just haven’t found a partner that is at the level mentally that I am. So I think that finding myself in peoples eyes or the meaning of what people are trying to say is to find a perfect “equal” partner to be whole. I understand that not being in a relationship can be very lonely for some people as well and that they tend to lose themselves with the constant thought of the perfect partner. Don’t allow yourself to fall into that place. Keep busy!
Stop for a minute and ask yourself “would you rather feel alone and actually be alone and learn to love yourself, find hobbies and share them with family & friends or be in a relationship with someone that leaves you alone and doesn’t care enough to reciprocate the love you have for them.” To sit and wonder where they are, when they will be home, if they will be attentive to you, if they will ever love you the way you love them. Not me, I would rather be alone and love me.
We have to truly embrace who we are spiritually, find what we are lacking as individuals and search for that person.
Not look at what we have to offer, if we do it that way, we will continue to make the wrong choices. What is it that you need to make your life whole, what is it that you lack or need to make your heart feel complete and then search for that person.
When you do that, you find a great partner cause they will give you what you lack and your great qualities then come into play and the reciprocation is equal. Emotional equality is what you need. If you find someone that you relate to, then your relationship will work. Stop looking to fix another person, to financially support or buy their love, stop looking for the physical attraction, and search for the individual that you find respect, trust, and common grounds through children or family backgrounds, your future goals so that you can work at them together. Think long and hard about it, if you are a humanitarian and you are completely blown away by someone that you are attracted to and that person hates everyone and everything, will never help another person and carries a negative mind, why would you even allow yourself to be with that person? You will suffer in that relationship because you will be prevented from your passion, you will not relate to this person.
If you love socializing and its part of your profession, if you are in groups and keep yourself in the socialite why would you date a person that wants to stay home and watch series nightly, you will lose yourself that way and you will become bitter, questioning what is wrong with you. But its not that the other person or you are right or wrong you just don’t match as a couple. So when I say search for a person I mean really search and research that person before you allow yourself to be emotionally involved. Date away, do things that you both like, try new things together, get to know each other, and always remember don’t do it to be kind, or because you are tired of being alone, really do it because you are genuinely relating to the other individual, really enjoying each minute with them.
My passion is helping people so I cant help that about myself. I can implement that aspect of me into my career, into my children’s, family & friends lives where there will be a return appreciation therefore leaving me feeling satisfied. Its an enriching feeling to help others so much gratification when you see someone smile because of your actions, but I have to learn that I can’t do this in a relationship and not expect it to be one sided. I have to learn to remove the nurturing side of me, if I don’t I will end up in the same relationship I have walked away from time and time again. I’m not saying don’t be compassionate towards your partner but really step back and assess your errors and do not do them again.
Giving to your children is great, your their parent, helping your friends, providing a service to your clients is also great cause they paid for the service but giving to a partner and receiving nothing in return becomes very unfulfilling. Stop waiting around for someone to reciprocate the action and find a partner on the same level as you.
I’ve learned through experience and I need to remember all the valuable lessons and move forward. So in sharing this with you, I hope that you can relate and share this as well with others that have gone through the same experience, that can’t understand why its not working, or that just need guidance! Be blessed — .
Lisa Marie Dominguez