1And the LORD said unto Noah, Come thou and all thy house into the ark; for thee have I seen righteous before me in this generation.
1And the LORD said to Noah, “You and your family get into the Ark. You’re the only people I like in the whole stupid world”.
2Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens, the male and his female: and of beasts that are not clean by two, the male and his female.
2 “Okay, here’s a list of animals I want you take seven of and here’s the list of animals you just need two of and make sure you have male and females in equal distribution. What? Yes, I know I told you only two of each before, but now I’m telling you seven of the ones on that first list. Because I want to have a sufficient breeding population, that’s why! What’s the seventh one for? Haven’t you ever heard of a spare?”
Or possibly the seventh was for sacrifice. There is some debate on this point. But at this point in time God really enjoyed the ritual slaughter of animals in his name. We all have our little kinks, after all.
3Of fowls also of the air by sevens, the male and the female; to keep seed alive upon the face of all the earth.
3 “I didn’t put the birds on that first list, by the way, because I want to get seven of all of them. They’re particularly good for repopulating the plant population. How? Well, they eat the fruits, and the seeds therein, and then they fly around and poop out the seed all over the place. So there’s the seed, save and secure in a nice pile of fertilizer! Pretty nice, eh? I invented that system, you know!”
4For yet seven days, and I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth.
4″So get a move on Noah! In one week I’m going cause it to rain for forty days and forty nights. And everything is going to DIE! “
5And Noah did according unto all that the LORD commanded him.
5And Noah did exactly what the LORD commanded him, for he could see the LORD was not messing around.
6And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood of waters was upon the earth
6And Noah was six hundred years old when the flood came, so while he was not exactly in his prime, he was still only about two-thirds of the way through the life span of your average Seth family member.
7And Noah went in, and his sons, and his wife, and his sons’ wives with him, into the ark, because of the waters of the flood.
7And Noah got into the Ark and took his family with him because of all the flooding that was going to happen.
8Of clean beasts, and of beasts that are not clean, and of fowls, and of every thing that creepeth upon the earth,
8And Noah took everything on the two lists. He loaded up the beasts in their sevens and their twos, all of the birds, and all of those creepy things as well. It was rather hard to tell if there were just two of the creepy things, so Noah just let that problem take care of itself.
9There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.
9And so the animals went into the Ark , two by two, (or seven by seven), as God had told Noah they would. And the animals were all pretty happy about it, despite the fact that most of them were locked up with their natural predators and despite being held in a very confined space with said predators for several months, with limited supplies of food. And this was because no matter how bad it was inside the Ark , it was a heck of a lot worse outside the Ark.
10And it came to pass after seven days that the waters of the flood were upon the earth.
10And in a week, the waters of the flood came upon the earth. This was undoubtedly very traumatic for Noah’s neighbors, but on the other hand they didn’t have to put up with that mountain sized pile of manure in Noah’s back yard any more, so there was an upside.
11In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened.
11So it was when Noah was in his six hundredth year, on the 17th of February that all the water that was up came down and all the water that was down came up.
12And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.
12And as had been promised, the rain came down for forty days and forty nights. This is a considerable amount of time for the rain to fall, but it takes a while to flood a planet.
13In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, the sons of Noah, and Noah’s wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark;
13And just before all this flooding happened, Noah, his three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japeth and all their unnamed wives, got into the Ark. Whether or not the neighbors suspected the end of the world was at hand or just an early spring shower is unrecorded, but they probably had a few choice words to say about Noah as he locked himself up in his biblical fall-out shelter.
14They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort.
14And along with Noah went all the animals, the cattle, the birds and all the creepy things. The combined presence of all these critters probably made the Ark about as pleasant a place to hang out as the New York sewer system at halftime on Super Bowl Sunday, but, then again, it was better than what it was going on outside.
15And they went in unto Noah into the ark, two and two of all flesh, wherein is the breath of life.
15Just in case the previous verse was unclear; all the animals went into the Ark.
16And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.
16 Once they were all inside, God slammed the hatch closed, which probably made everyone jump a bit. Of course, a little divine hatch closing was small beans compared to destruction of all life going on at the time, but it’s the unexpected that really surprises you.
17And the flood was forty days upon the earth; and the waters increased, and bare up the ark, and it was lift up above the earth.
17And the resulting flood lasted for forty days and as the waters rose the Ark floated upon them. Congratulations to Noah on constructing the biblical version of the Titanic and having it perform perfectly on its maiden voyage. When you imagine the problems with the construction of an enormous floating zoo in a world where most boats were probably little larger than Volkswagens, this is quite the accomplishment.
18And the waters prevailed, and were increased greatly upon the earth; and the ark went upon the face of the waters.
18And while the world drowned, the Ark floated safely amid the watery calamity that surrounded it.
19And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered.
19The water rose very high during the calamity, and everything was covered up. Well, everything in the vicinity of Noah was covered up. There weren’t any survivors around any of the really tall mountains, so we don’t know if the flood topped Mt. Everest or not. It seems it wouldn’t given that the atmosphere would get rather thin up that high, and that and the cold would have been rough on a number of the animals, not to mention Noah and his folks.
So we’ll just say the world, was just MOSTLY covered by water and leave it at that.
20Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered.
20Okay, since a cubit is roughly a foot, it seems likely the waters were a little bit deeper than this, particularly if they were covering even the small mountains. But as its likely Noah had no means of accurately measuring water depth, the 15 cubits things is probably more of a guestimate than an actual accurate reading. Suffice to say, the water was deep!
21And all flesh died that moved upon the earth, both of fowl, and of cattle, and of beast, and of every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and every man:
21And everything died when the floods came. All the animals, even the fowl, the cattle, and all those creepy things God spent so much time one in the earlier chapters. You know God was angry if he destroyed his creepy things. And he killed all the men too, which was fine for mankind, who had kind of deserved it with all their kinky sex and violence, but a bit rough on the animals, fowls, cattle and all those creepy things that didn’t get tickets to the Ark cruise.
22All in whose nostrils was the breath of life, of all that was in the dry land, died.
22Just in case you missed the point of the previous verse, everything was dead. Dead! Except the animals that lived in the water, which is kind of a given, but the Bible likes be specific about these things.
23And every living substance was destroyed which was upon the face of the ground, both man, and cattle, and the creeping things, and the fowl of the heaven; and they were destroyed from the earth: and Noah only remained alive, and they that were with him in the ark.
23And once again, just in case you weren’t paying attention during the past couple of verses, everything that lived on the earth was dead. Man, cattle, fowls, and all those creepy things were dead. Dead! Dead! Dead!
All except for Noah and his family, they were all right in that ark, though drifting through an ocean full of floating corpses was probably a little depressing.
24And the waters prevailed upon the earth an hundred and fifty days.
24And for a hundred and fifty days the earth was covered in water. This is quite a considerable period of time. This was presumably so that all the people who been able to get to boats or were floating around on bits of wreckage could die of exposure and starvation. Also it gave all the fish enough time to eat all those floating corpses so they wouldn’t be all littered around when the waters finally receded.