Genesis Chapter 2: A Translation
1Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.
1The Earth and Universe were now complete, which was a cause for much celebration, as they were the first things created ever.
2And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
2And on the seventh day God took a day off, because it had been a pretty busy. This raises the question of what God would do on his day off. Think about that for a minute.
3And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
3And God, deciding that his creating, well, everything was definitely something that should be remembered for all time, made the seventh day a holy day. And thus was Sunday created. Saturday came much, much later, but you should definitely be thankful God stuck this in, thus setting the precedent for the weekend, which some people think was a better idea than the Moon, the whales, and the creepy things.
4These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens,
4Deciding that the creator of the heavens and the earth needed a better title than just God, God changes his name to LORD God, which has quite the ring to it.
5And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.
5 LORD God had not yet created rain, so the plants were not really doing that well. It was a heck of a thing to forget at this stage, but LORD God had been really busy what with all the other creating he had been up to.
6But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.
6 LORD God invents sprinklers.
7And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
7We now get to how God created man back in Chapter One, which is such a momentous event it gets more clarification in Chapter Two. Note that this process of creation is intended for Deities only and is not to be attempted by those unqualified to wield the fundamental power of creation.
8And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden ; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
8 Deciding that man needed a nice place to hang out, LORD God creates a garden in the land of Eden . What the rest of Eden was like outside of the Garden is up for debate, but is generally agreed upon that it was nice.
9And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
9 LORD God makes a really beautiful garden, filled with plants that were both beautiful and covered with good things to eat. And among all these flowering trees and banana plants, God put the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
10And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.
10And in the Garden of Eden, there was a river, which was convenient as rain had not yet been invented. After it left the garden, this river split into four branches.
11The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah , where there is gold;
11The name of the first river is Pison, which went into this land Havilah which had gold in it. The gold is important for reasons to be revealed later. But keep it in mind.
12And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone.
12The gold in Havilah was really good gold, real high quality stuff. You could also get good bdellium and onyx there too. It seems Havilah really had the edge on Eden when it came to mineral resources.
13And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia .
13The name of the second river was Gihon, and it went to Ethiopia . Not much to say about Ethiopia . Though it did have a river in it. Named Ghion.
14And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria . And the fourth river is Euphrates .
14The name of the third river was Hiddekel which when into Assyria . And the fourth was Euphrates which didn’t really go anywhere, apparently, and wasn’t even important enough to get its own line. You may be wondering why, with all the beginning of the world stuff going on in Eden , we’re taking time out to talk about these rivers going off to places no one is even living. After all, LORD God isn’t taking the time to name continents so why are these places so important? Foreshadowing!
15And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
15Having made man, LORD God decided he should get a job and made him a gardener, which is a bit like giving someone an apartment building, but then telling them they have to be the janitor.
16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
16And LORD God told the Man, “I made you all these fruit trees, so eat. Don’t eat the trees made for beauty for they will make you throw up. Flowers bad for eating, fruit good for eating. You can eat the bananas. You can’t eat the flowers. Those are bad. Bad for eating that is, but very pretty to look at. I made those you know. But don’t eat them.”
17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
17 “Now you see this tree over here? This is the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Don’t eat it or you’ll die. I know calling it the “Poison Tree” or the “Tree of Grisly Death” might be a bit more appropriate, but I’m LORD God and that’s the name. And don’t ask me why I put it here instead of in Ethiopia or that place with all the gold and onyx. That’s for me to know and you to find out. Now go water the plants.”
18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
18 And LORD God said, “It occurs to me that man might get lonely just roaming around by himself all day. It’s not so bad for me because I’m LORD God and I’ve got all these angels and things, but it could be rough on him. Also if he had a friend the gardening would get done faster. I will find him a friend.”
19And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
19And then LORD God started making animals out of dirt. And because LORD God so enjoyed naming things himself, he decided to let Adam name all then animals, which was quite an honor, really. It also took a long time. A very long time. Towards the end of the naming process Adam was coming up with names like, “The 4,535th fuzzy plant eater. With the stripes and the claws and things.” But it all got straightened out in the end.
20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
20And Adam named all the cattle, (which God put up first for he was very proud of them), the birds and all of the animals. Adam decided to call the creepy things “Bugs”, which put God off a bit as he had created over a million types of creepy things and wanted them each to have their own names. But God could see Adam was getting tired so he let it slide.
But none of the cattle, birds, animals, or creepy things proved to have much in the way of gardening ability. Oh sure, the dogs could dig holes, the monkeys could carry things, and the cattle could make plenty of fertilizer, but none of them were really very good at the entire gardening process. In fact most of them, being plant eaters, were very bad at gardening had to be taken out of the garden entirely and stuck in Ethiopia .
21And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
21 After considering the problem, LORD God had an idea. So he knocked Adam out and performed an unsolicited surgical procedure upon him which resulted in the removal of one of Adam’s ribs. He had decided not to tell Adam about any of this beforehand because it might worry him unnecessarily. And stress is bad for the heart.
22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
22 Having taken the rib, LORD God engaged in some metaphysical cloning procedures along with some chromosome rearrangement and created woman. He then woke Adam up. Adam was somewhat upset with all the knocking out, cutting and rib removal that had been going on, but he rapidly got over his wounded feelings when God presented the first woman to him. That the woman was naked probably helped Adam’s mood.
23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
23And Adam said, “This thing was taken out of me and made from me. But calling her a Man just doesn’t sound right somehow. For all sorts of reasons. So I shall call her Woman”
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
24And thus was created marriage, sex, and families, though not necessarily in that order.
25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
25At this point, it is very important to point out that the man and woman were naked. Naked. Very naked. And they had nothing to be ashamed about.