The sad news that Sean Penn had broken up with voluptuous young starlet Scarlett Johansson in June 2011 was promptly followed by photos of the couple together at the Spike TV 2011 Guys Choice Awards ceremony in Los Angeles. Apparently Scarlett and Sean were reunited.
But hang on Sean. Just before you make a big mistake, consider a different option. Scarlett is, undeniably, young enough to be your daughter. She’s pulpeuse as the French say – curvacaeous, seductive and tempting. But also young enough to be yur daughter. What future is there really in a relationship wih Scarlett? She’s not only going to have gorgeous young men chasing her for a good 20 years – she’s going to respond. It’s only natural.
You, meanwhile, are in the midst of your male midlife crisis. It’s understandable that you want to hang onto a taut, firm body to make your nightmares about growing old recede. But in that case why not consider reuniting with ex-wife, Madonna? She’s still working out these days, as anyone can see. You have plenty in common: she’s about the same age as you. And she’s having a twin midlife crisis – the female version – that keeps driving her into the arms of lovers wa-y too young for her.
You and your ex-wife could garner loads of publicity by following in the footsteps of Taylor and Burton – marry, divorce, remarry….
And instead of all that pressure to keep up with 20-something lovers, the pair of you could reminisce happily about old times and stroll gently down Sunset Boulevard together.
Since Madonna’s into having kids and adopting kids (Lola, Rocco, David, Mercy) you could, as a newly reunited couple, adopt Jesus and Scarlett and make a new improved rainbow family.
Now, Hugh and Liz. Hugh Grant lost Liz Hurley over that unfortunate affair with then-prostitute Divine Brown. Liz was always a generous and tolerant girlfriend but finding your boyfriend has been arrested by the LAPD for spending quality time in a car with a hooker will test even the most flexible relationship. Even Liz was not that open-minded. Since Hugh got ditched though it’s noticeable that neither he nor Liz have really settled down with new partners. Liz’s marriage to Arun Nayer ended after several years and no doubt a contributing factor was that Liz insisted on taking Hugh with her everywhere the married couple went. If you are married and still want to go on holiday with your ex-boyfriend, your heart is telling you something interesting. Ditto if you are Hugh Grant and single and want to spend your holidays with Liz Hurley and her husband. Hugh’s relationship with billionairess Jemima Khan didn’t work out any better than Liz’s with Arun. Imagine Jemima inviting Hugh to one of her beautiful homes – a holiday island perhaps in the Caribbean – and Hugh saying distractedly: “Can’t that week darling. I’m off on holiday with Liz and her husband.” Most people understand, surely, that Liz and Hugh are partners whether say can see it or not. They’re like two peas in a pod.
So come on the two of you – stop fooling around being such commitment phobes and get back together. (While I’m at – Jemima, you have two lovely boys with your gorgeous ex-husband, cricketing politician Imran Khan. Call him up and ask for a reconciliation….)
Mel and Robyn are tricky. Mel has roundly disgraced himself in just about every way you can imagine. His male midlife crisis has seen him hurtling through, it would seem, an extramarital affair, anti-semitic hysteria, threats of violence and possibly actual violence, impregnation of a young Russian, divorce and fatherhood of a baby girl, Lucia, in the very temporary second family he created.
But that’s the point. His second family – Oksana Grigorieva, baby Lucia and Mel – was a total flash in the pan (sadly for little Lucia.) Never in the history of infidelity has a delicious extramarital affair descended into hell as quickly as Mel’s affair with Oksana. Mel may have turned his back on loyal, long-term wife Robyn, the mother of his squillion children, but he was soon back asking for her support when his love affair ended in tears.
Who knows whether Mrs Gibson would ever take Mel back or not. But in one way, she might as well give it a go. They have, I believe, seven children together. You can escape a marriage by signing divorce papers. But Mel and Robyn and their many children will continue to have a relationship – lifelong – no matter what. The only question is: What sort of relationship? It may have to be a terrifically strained one where the ex-Mr and Mrs Gibson attend weddings, graduations and eventually christenings or naming days separately. Each may turn up with second husbands or second wives, adding to the confusion. But since they’ll continue to be co-parents all of their lives, and then grandparents all of their lives too, they may as well cut their losses try to put Mel’s crisis behind them – and reunite.
It certainly wouldn’t be easy. But neither is the alternative…!