As has been the case for all the years since I first spoke with Satan, we have been meeting at our favorite cigar bar in Manhattan to discuss politics, Lately it has been on an almost daily basis since the election season began. When I arrived today I found Satan laughing heartily.
“Please let me in on the joke as I could use a good laugh these days.” I said as I sat down next to him at the bar. The bartender placed a glass of Johnnie Walker Blue and a fat, already clipped Fuente Opus X cigar in front of me. I looked at Satan.
“I took the liberty of ordering. It’s on me today.”
“Thank you. Nice selections; I see you in a very good mood, what’s up?”
“I heard a very funny joke, it goes like this: ‘Did you hear the one about the multimillionaire politician who addressed a group of Southerners concerned about the economy and the high unemployment rate? He testily yelled at them, ‘Quit your bellyaching, I’m unemployed too!”
“I see. You are referring of course to Mitt Romney speaking to a group of Floridians, some of which are unemployed. I don’t think it went quite like that. I believe it was actually that after listening to stories about how hard it was for them to find work, Romney told the group, ‘I should tell my story, I’m also unemployed.’ But hey, maybe he connected with those voters, after all, some of them might also have $200 million in the bank to fall back on during these hard times! “
“And that’s the Republican front runner!” Satan was laughing so hard he had to put down his drink before spilling it. “I mean, does anyone think before they speak anymore? Or maybe in this age of tweets nobody thinks they have to! Sure I’ll say insensitive things, but hey, I’m the devil! Many a morning I will walk out into the bowels of Hell and say, ‘Man, is it hot in here or is it just me?’ The cursed souls also laugh, but I wouldn’t call it a feel-good moment!”
“Souls in hell are a lot like middle-class voters in the GOP,” I began, “But with one important difference— the souls know they’re screwed!” We both laughed at that. “Romney is already toast because he acknowledged there was some truth to global warming. They have strict rules about that in the Republican Party. You are required to insist global warming is a hoax and are not even allowed to entertain any other idea until well after California and New York are underwater, there are Flamingos strutting their stuff at the North Pole, and Siberia is attracting more bikini clad spring breakers than a half-off Brazilian wax!”
“So who do you think it’s going to be?” Satan asked.
“The Republican candidate for president? We have as much time to figure that out as the American voters.”
“That’s fine,” Satan said, “plenty of time for good cigars, fine fare, and enjoyable conversation.”