As you’ve probably gathered from the first four installments of my award-winning Clean Words That Sound Dirty series (Nine Clean Words That Sound Dirty, More Clean Words That Sound Dirty, Even More Clean Words That Sound Dirty, and Clean Words That Sound Dirty, Chapter IV: Attack of the Homo Erecti), I am America’s foremost authority on clean words that sound dirty. That, of course, is because I fell off my bicycle when I was fourteen hitting my head on the pavement and forever stunting the growth of my maturity level, which, as it turns out comes in pretty handy for writing crap like this.
As in the previous installments of this award-winning series, I give you the correct definitions of a number of dirty-sounding words along with example sentences that present both the correct and incorrect uses of the words.
It sounds like what a lucky man might be doing to a woman, but Faulkner is the last name of writer William Faulkner.
Example: As the sexy English Lit teacher went on and on about the works of William Faulkner, her prize student Lester sat at his desk, stared at her voluptuous breasts, and imagined himself throwing the raven-haired beauty down on the floor and faulkner.
Is it a sexually transmitted disease a man might get after spending the night with a woman suffering from spotted vagina? No it’s not. Spotted dick is, believe it or not, a type of fruit-filled pudding originated by those crazy Brits.
Example: As Camilla downed yet another large bowl of spotted dick, Prince Charles sat on the sofa with his pants pulled down around his ankles and gently applied more salve to the open sores on his spotted dick.
A woman engaging in self-gratification by rubbing her breasts would be titubating, wouldn’t she? Well in my world she would, but in the real world, titubation is a state of trembling while walking or standing.
Example: Peeping through his binoculars and lasciviously watching his beautiful neighbor enjoy her daily session of titubation, Howard could barely keep himself from experiencing another attack of titubation.
Honore de Balzac was a French novelist and playwright whose last name happens to sound very much like that part of the male genitals that holds the family jewels.
Example: Riding the subway on her way to the library, nerdy Angela-ever the bookworm-was far too busy reading Balzac to notice the recently released sex offender sitting across from her with his balzac completely exposed.
Any word that starts with “vagina” just has to be dirty, right? Well, it may sound dirty, like maybe it refers to the genitals of an Italian woman or something like that, but according to Dictionary.com, vaginati is “a tribe of birds comprising the sheathbills.” No indication as to whether or not the birds are dirty.
Example: As the vaginati soared above, Mario sat on the park bench fondly recalling every detail of the previous night-a night filled with wine, lust, and frequent visits to Donatella’s lovely vaginati.
It’s a little rubber for a little penis, right? Nope. A condominium is an individually owned apartment unit for people of all sizes.
Example: Poor Pee Wee was tagged with his embarrassing nickname the night he hosted a poker party at his new condominium and one of his buddies discovered a package of Trojan condominiums lying on the bathroom floor.
Hey, we all like to macerate, don’t we? Well, not all of us. Chefs do most of the macerating in the world when they soften fruits or vegetables by soaking them in liquid.
Example: Chef Marco was certain he’d finally found the woman of his dreams when Sugar became so excited watching him macerate peaches in sugar that she fell to the floor and began to vigorously macerate her peach.
Frank’s Ass (Ass, Frank’s, 1953)