Chapter 3 — the First Kiss

You know that moment when you kiss someone and the world around you stops? That’s the moment I had when E and I kissed. It scared me more than anything else. There I was, falling for this amazing guy who wasn’t even available. Throughout the year that we had been talking and getting to know each other he and C got rockier and rockier. I knew in the back of my mind that I should run, I had known that all along, but something wasn’t letting me. I was so drawn to E. In ways I couldn’t explain. Maybe it was the chase, the never knowing, and the romantic notion of it all. I don’t know what it was; I just knew I was falling.

Towards the end of that year of ups and downs he and C finally ended things. She had found out about me and I had become tired of waiting. So many times I threatened to walk away and to leave everything we had built ‘” and so many times I was pulled back in. Right or wrong; all I wanted was to be with him. But sometimes, even all the want in the world can’t make things happen.

Yes, they broke up. But then they got back together a week later. I was done. I (foolishly) had invested so much of my time, energy, and heart into someone I thought wanted me too. In those final days of that year, I was broken. He and I had become the best of friends, soul mates really. And in a snap decision, he lost it all.

I can still remember that weekend vividly even though it was so many years ago. He had hesitantly told me that he and C had gotten back together. {Remember that theory? It still holds true, at this point they weren’t happy at all. They were going through the motions because that’s what they had done for so long. They were that comfortable, misery relationship that they didn’t know how to survive without ‘” good or bad.} I didn’t speak to him for a while. I had to think of my words carefully. Whatever I was going to say had to be meaningful.

Once I got over my initial shock and decided what I wanted to say, I explained to him that that was it. We weren’t to speak anymore. He had made his choice and I couldn’t continue down this road any longer. I couldn’t allow him to have his cake and eat it too. It was destroying everything I had once believed to be so special. I was hurt, but we were through. The friendship, the hopes of a relationship, the connection ‘” over. We cried. But I wasn’t going to do it anymore.

Cut to 2 weeks later ‘” E and I still hadn’t spoke. I was serious about it being over; I had been through too much by this point to just let it slide. So you can imagine my surprise when I receive a phone call from him. He tells me they broke up again, for good he claims. He asks if we can make amends, if we can fix things, so I simply say to him that if he means what he’s saying, if he wants to fix things with me ‘” he will come see me for the weekend. (He went to CSCC and I went to BG, so he a nice 2 hour drive) I then hung up the phone and had no idea what to prepare for. Would he bitch out like he had so many times before? Would he man up and decide that it was me he wanted to be with?

Three hours later I get a phone call and he tells me to come downstairs to the lobby ‘” there he was with lilies (my favorite). And in that moment I knew how much he cared about me. I knew how much he wanted to be with me, I knew he conquered his fear of the unknown to take a chance on me. It meant the world, and in all honesty – that romantic gesture still warms my heart today; makes me believe in love despite the bullshit.

On that rainy, spring day a new relationship bloomed (cheesy, right?). We went from being J and E, two kids getting themselves in way too deep ‘” to being J and E, period.

{Theory #2 ‘” what’s meant to be, will always find a way in the end. I do believe that, I believe that it won’t be an easy ride. That there will be moments when it seems more like work than anything, but with love and persistence anything is possible. If it lies within your destiny, you’ll get it. As long as you’re willing to fight like hell.}