Celebrity Headlines that Flew Under the Radar

We’ve all heard about Arnold’s love child and Ashton’s move into Charlie’s beach house, but I’ve dug up some actual celebrity headlines that you may have missed while reading about the bigger stories. And we don’t want to miss out on any little minor details about our fave celebrities now, do we? No, of course we don’t. So I’ll help out. Here goes…

Michael Jackson’s Dad Promotes His Own Line Of Perfumes

You know, Michael Jackson’s dad Joe? That kind of creepy looking man who Michael claimed was so horrible? Did you ever look at him and wanted to know what he smelled like? Me neither. So this was rather shocking news. They’re claiming his perfume line for men has a very musky scent and the perfume for women is very florally. Either way, I don’t want to smell it and I don’t want to smell like it either. Are you with me on this one?

Justin Bieber Launches His New Line of Womens’ Perfume

What is it about all these men coming out with women’s fragrances? Are they trying to tell us something? Little Justin recently graced us with his line of nail polishes and a unisex fragrance, but now he’s coming out with a perfume for females only. Justin said in an interview that “the way a girl smells is very important to a guy”. Well we already knew that and thought we were doing fine with our present array of scents, but apparently not. Then Justin followed that up with a genius marketing scheme by saying since he has such a deep connection with his fans, that this fragrance, that he personally loves, is a way to bring them closer to him. Wow. If I was twelve and obsessed with Justin, I’d be lining up to buy a carton of his new perfume. Brilliant marketing scheme! By the way, the scent is described as “fruity gourmand”. What the hell is “gourmand”? And do I really want to smell like one? Oh Webster, we need help with this please.

Does Jennifer Aniston Want to Make a Major Hair Color Change?

Oh dear lord, my heart skipped a beat when I read this headline. But before you have a panic attack like I almost did, the answer to the question is a big fat NO! What with all the news in the other headlines lately, how could we ever deal with THAT too if she had decided to go brunette or redheaded. We can’t handle that now.

Twilight Characters Isabella and Jacob the Most Popular Baby Names of 2010

Did anyone doubt this info? Look at all the Britneys running around these days. Young moms need to start thinking outside the box a bit.

Kourtney Kardashian Says Her Stomach May Never Look the Same Post-Baby

So there’s Kourtney on the cover of Shape magazine in a bikini with a flat stomach. Flatter than most of us, and she’s whining in her interview that her stomach may never look the same. How much of a charmed life does she think she deserves anyway? She looks great and has a healthy baby. Maybe she should pick something else to complain about.

Nick Lachey Is Complaining About The Wedding Expense

Nick took to twittering and sarcastically whined that the one thing not affected by the recession is the wedding business. He followed up by saying “Damn this is getting expensive”, and then he added the derogatory “Good thing she’s worth it”. As far as I’m concerned, Vanessa deserves to spend a kabillion dollars on her wedding since she had to wait all these years before he felt comfortable enough to seal the deal. Uh, don’t hurt yourself, Nick. Sorry this is so painful for ya.

Lindsay Lohan & Her Wardrobe Malfunction

As if poor Linds doesn’t have enough to handle, what with court dates and ankle monitors and all. Now it was reported that she had a wardrobe malfunction in Miami the other day. How ghastly! Details are as follows: She was doing a photo spread for a magazine, when all of a sudden she looked down at her chest, and her neckline plunged “too deeply”. She then pulled it up. The end.

Lady Gaga Beats Oprah on Forbes Celebrity Power List

Wow. How about that. Lady Gaga and her strangeness outdid beloved Oprah on the Forbes list this year. Apparently they pick people to be on that list, not just by finances, but they’re measured on their power “by entertainment-related earnings, media visibility and social media popularity.” And I guess nobody did it better this past year than Lady Gaga herself and she did it all by twittering and facebooking and therefore getting more record sales and media attention. What’s this world coming to anyway? Although I’m sure Oprah’s not worrying about it.

Goldie Hawn Says The Secret To A Happy Life Is To Have Fun

Well now why didn’t we all think of that? Perhaps if we had the huge pile of funds that Goldie has, maybe we would have thought of that too. Sometimes celebrities say things and we really get a glimpse as to how far from our reality that they live. Goldie goes on to say that there’s a lot of dark but you have to balance it out. You have to have the intention to enjoy life and to have a good time. Well it all sounds really nice, Goldie, but some of us are bogged down with having jobs and paying bills and dealing with life issues. Must be nice living in your world. Never mind me. I’m just jealous. I’m having a rough week and Goldie sounds just a little TOO happy for me to listen to right now.

Jessica Alba Says That “HypnoBirthing” Is Right For Her

If Jessica can hypnobirth, then we ALL could hynobirth, right? But first we have to find out what the hell it is. She goes on to explain by first saying that it isn’t weird. I’m glad she said that because, well, I thought it sounded weird. She said it’s when your husband takes her through a sort of meditation thing. She feels relaxed and like she’s floating on clouds. And apparently all this is happening while she’s having contractions during labor. I don’t know about any of you moms out there, but I do remember going through labor, and relaxing and floating on clouds were definitely not something I was doing during that time. I wonder what planet Jessica lives on.

Gwyneth Paltrow Recommends Fans Get $18,000 Worth of Spring Clothes

Seriously. That was an actual headline. It was so absurd that I had to read it. Apparently Gwyneth has her own healthy-living website and on it she shared her spring fashion plans for the warmer weather. Gee maybe we could pick up a few pointers from Gwyneth for our own summer wardrobe plans. Let’s read further. She goes on to say that she first hooked up with a “luxury online retailer. They helped her pick six outfit concepts around some basics. Gwyneth says we can wear these outfits either to the office or for summer leisure time. And all that for the mere price tag of $18,000! What would we ever do without Gwyneth’s timely and down-to-earth advice for us simple folk. I think her and Jessica Alba must live on the very same planet. And perhaps Goldie’s there too.