Best of Charlie Sheen

From his unforgettable interview with ABC to his egotistic bashing of Chuck Lorre to his nasty custody battle, Charlie Sheen has been making the headlines lately. And not infrequently, he has managed to drop off some partly-wacky, partly-wise, all-Sheen quotes, the best of which I have compiled here for you. So, without further delay, come the best (and the craziest) Sheen quotes OF ALL TIME (to date.)

Note: swear words are removed or replaced. Just keeping it inoffensive.

“You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like, dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard. Because it fires in a way that is not from this particular terrestrial realm.”

“Wow. What’s the cure? Medicine, make me like them? Not gonna happen. I’m bi-winning. I Win here and I win there.”

CHARLIE: Last time I took drugs, I probably took more than anyone could survive.
ABC: What are we talking about, How much?
CHARLIE: I don’t know man, I was banging seven-gram rocks, and finishing them, because that’s how I roll, I have one gear, I have one speed, GO!
ABC: How do you survive that?
CHARLIE: Because I’m me, I’m different. I just have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart, I got tiger blood, man

“Dying’s for fools.”

ABC: Is your clean life better?
CHARLIE: No, it’s not better, it’s perfect, it’s perfect. It doesn’t compare, they’re whole different realities. There’s great things about both, but what I’m harnessing now is absolute focus. It’s exciting, I’ve come back from a place that, people can put labels on it, they can figure all this stuff out, NORMALIZE IT, NORMALIZE IT, boring stupid. But I’ve just answered to a higher calling, and it happened in the blink of an eye, and I’m totally excited by it.

ABC: Are you worrying you are going to relapse?
ABC: Why?
CHARLIE: Because, I’m not going to, period the end.
ABC: But how do you know?
CHARLIE: I blinked and I cured my brain. Everybody has the power. Can’t is the cancer of happen.

“The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, look like armless droopy-eyed children.”

“I exposed people to magic, I exposed them to something they’re never otherwise going to see in their normal, boring lives.”

when asked if he still did drugs: “Not anymore, bored the hell out of me after a while. I was like okay, let’s try something else.”

“Foiled by a piece of plastic covered with light buttons.”

“And guess what I’m doing right now? I’m videoing this phone call cause I’m tired of losing all my gold into the ethosphere of stupidity.”

“Last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind, cuddly puppies.”

“That would imply that I care about orange juice and I have a kitchen.”

“The magic tray is filled with magic, period the end. You’re lucky when it’s real to you, you’re lucky if you can touch it, you’re lucky if you can say the words magic tray.”

“I’m on a drug called Charlie Sheen. If you try it, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“We need to hack up the person responsible for this bad connection, hack him up into pieces in front of his children. We need to cut off his face and then wear it, and go on a very tightly budgeted shopping spree in stores that don’t exist yet, that’s what we have to do.”

“I’m burning my own face but I can’t feel the heat because I don’t feel pain because pain is a myth. Pain is as painful as you want it to be, to quote the late, great, brilliant, alien, non-human George Carlin.”

“I didn’t hear nothing because I’m using a piece of plastic designed by trolls covered in lights and buttons. Obviously a weapon, but I will turn it against them.”

“I’ve already got pain. I don’t need pain pills, I need anti-pain pills.”

“I want to deliver stuff, I want to deliver it in the epicenter of how I deliver things, which is perfect and truthful and radical and in your face. So far in your face it grabs your teeth, it shoves them down your freaking throat and you’re like, “Oh, what a lovely little snack. Wow, it tastes like my teeth, I don’t care. Because SHEEN delivered it, that’s all I care about.”

“We are in a tsunami and we didn’t make the rules. It’s lonely up here, but I sure like the view. “

“It is what it is. What it was isn’t what you thought it is because it is what it is because you claim so, because you confirm it, because you insist that it is what it is and therefore it ain’t what it ain’t.”

“Get inside the truth every single moment and you’re gonna win… Get outside the truth, and where are you? You’re living in the middle. You’re living in the middle, and that’s where you get slaughtered. Ball field, battlefield, it doesn’t matter, you get slaughtered in the middle because in the middle are the sheep, are the trolls. That’s all that matters. This is my message to you. Take it, or die violently.”

about Chuck Lorre: “I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

For a more extensive list, check out the last link below.