Four years ago my husband and I found ourselves starring at two pink lines on a plastic stick. I was finally pregnant after a year and a half long battle of trying to conceive. We were excited to learn that we would finally be parents. That excitement turned to amazement and wonder when our first daughter was born and as we watched her grow into an energetic and amazing four year old. When our first daughter turned one, we made the decision to try for another child. That journey was also fraught with difficulty, including a miscarriage, and we didn’t conceive until two years later.
We had tried for so long to get pregnant with a second child. I naturally assumed that I would be overjoyed at the thought of being pregnant again. But after the initial happy shock of finally seeing those two pink lines again, an unexpected feeling settled in. I was so happy to be pregnant, yet, a sudden fear and sadness began creep in. I cried at the thought of being pregnant again, even though it was all I had wished for for two years. Could I love a second child the same as I do my first? Would I be able to split my time and energy between two children and still give them all of me? How could I make room in my heart for another child when my beautiful little girl already had all of it? These thoughts floated through my head leaving me scared and uncertain if I had made a big mistake. Did I really want to be a mother of two? By that time, it was too late.
Looking back on it now, I’m sure Mother Nature was playing a pretty little trick on me. With hormones raging, just about anything could make me cry and send my emotions on a wild roller coaster. So, it should have been of no surprise to me that I would have these emotions running through my head. I felt guilty for having experienced those feelings in the beginning. But I soon learned from many other second time mothers that those fears are natural and quickly subside. One look at my second daughter after she was born and all those fears went out the window and all I was left with was this amazing love.
I knew being a mother of two would be a completely different experience to my years of being a mother of one. No matter what people tell you, you are never quite prepared for the experience until you are thrown into it yourself. As the days went on, I was surprised at just how natural it felt for me to mother two children. Of course, there are those days when I feel like pulling my hair out. The baby is screaming, my four year old is calling for my attention, the phone is ringing and I’m knee deep in laundry, Yes, those days still happen. Yet, at the end of the day, it’s all worth it. I was surprised at just how easily my heart doubled in size and was able to feel an equally amazing love for both my children. I appreciate each child for their beautiful differences and similarities and, somehow, it all just fits.
There are those days when I can’t focus one hundred percent of my energy on everything. Sometimes, I do have to explain to my toddler that the baby needs my attention and she will have to wait. It does pain me to know that I can’t always do for everyone all at once. However, I know I make every effort to give each child an equal amount of time with me as possible. It may not always be easy but I’m ok with that.
Being a mother of two is scary and wonderful and the most amazing experience I could ever ask for all rolled into one chaotic package. I wouldn’t have it any other way!