Arnold Schwarzenegger’s New Dramatic Roles

Now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is through being Governor of California (that went fast, didn’t it?) he is moving back into acting (of sorts) with a new animated show and companion comic book story illustrated by the renowned comic book artist Stan Lee. The show will be called The Governator with Arnold as a Superhero Governor who fights crime. Seems like a bit of a compensatory plot. But what Arnold Schwarzenegger film wasn’t?

In truth Arnold Schwarzenegger has been a cartoon figure for a long time. And that means he could go in almost any direction he chooses in his new dramatic adventures. What follows are a few suggestions for new roles for the former bodybuilder who went to Hollywood.

Arnold the Toiminator

The premise of the show is Arnold as the fourth member of the Three Stooges, Curly, Larry and Moe. Of course, to qualify as a Schwarzenegger movie, the Four Stooges will take on terrorists in foreign lands. So expect the new Three Stooges to speak with French, Australian and Jamaican accents as they flounder about carrying huge arsenals of guns and weapons with which they bonk each other on the heads and poke each other in the eyes.

Conanne the Hairbarian

Arnold goes undercover as a hard-hitting, cross-dressing owner of a medieval hair salon. The costumes are all hair and leather straps. Arnold’s youthful co-star will be plucked from obscurity through a hacked Facebook account. The young co-star willl be 50 years his junior and wear nothing more than a CGI effects G-string and digitally applied pushup bra as she floats through the shop delivering brushes, combs and adoring glances for her heavily made up, massively androgynous hero. In other words, another confused mess from Hollywood.

Ahnold Battles the Pre-Dater

The semi-visible, terrifying cyborg that terrorized Arnold and friends in a series of Predator films returns. But this time the action centers around an old folks home where Arnold battles the Pre-Dater to protect a harem of aging dames who join the R-rated fun in a climactic scene by beating the Pre-Dater to death with their canes. Script by Larry David.

Kindergarten Crap

Arnold stars in a reality show about helping preschoolers potty train. As the children make the transition from diapers to underwear, Arnold encourages them by throwing crap back in their faces if they fail by pooping their pants. He then helps them along toward maturity by giving them their first real steroid injections. “Nowh you ahr a real grohwnup!” he cajoles one child. Produced by Donald Trump.

Commandough

A majorly overweight, out-of-shape, very wrinkly Arnold Schwarzenegger again teams up with the body-honest Jamie Lee Curtis, who co-stars in this modern day action film for stars past their prime. Shot in hi-definition, this adventure set in the Badlands of the Great Plains features more jiggle and flaps than an early-70s porn film. It is also obvious Arnold is wearing no underwear like a true commandough should, but the prominent feature is a set of now sagging testicles peeking out his shorts. Also starring Michael Douglas, Harrison Ford and Heather Locklear as the Evil Beauty, Beautox.

Perhaps you, loyal readers, could provide even more suggestions for new Arnold Schwarzenegger films?