There is the good bargain shopper, and there is the bad bargain shopper. The difference between the 2? The good bargain shopper will purchase items at a fair low price- items that the individual needs, then leave the store. A bad bargain shopper, on the other hand, will purchase something, anything simply because it’s on sale. A bad bargain shopper quite often visits local dollar stores, just to “browse”, only to buy a whole aisle of items simply because it’s “$.88 Tuesday” (Tuesday gets me every time- damn you, Honks!). Here’s how to tell if you are a bad bargain shopper:
You go to the dollar store because it’s $.88 Tuesday, taking with you $8 cash, but your debit card as well, just in case. All you really need is construction paper and some crayons. But wait! Markers, glitter pens, neon glue…balloons, crepe paper, pens, toothpicks! Watercolor paint, shampoo, conditioner..oh my! All for just $.88!!! Holy Good Gravy- you can’t pass anything up, and magnetize yourself to everything you walk by that catches your eye for a nanosecond. You even buy a kite. You’re 27. Oh well. It’s $.88- and you LOVE Tinkerbell! You meant to spend $2, and spend $25. But look- 5 bags of stuff! Hot diggety damn!
You go to Wal-Mart to buy Witch Hazel and socks- and remember your peanut butter fetish and wander to the food aisles to grab some chunky peanut buttah…and get caught by the side aisle with those dollar fun-size candy bars and think, SCORE! You grab 3 of the best flavors of chocolate (York Peppermint Patties?! Gross!!!) and then wander down the baking aisle for unknown reasons. You grab (since you’re starving) 3 muffin mixes (you don’t have a muffin pan, all you have are cookie sheets), walnut chocochip cookie mix, and a no-bake Reese’s Peanut butter thingy. Yum! Oh yeah- you need peanut butter!
On your way to the peanut butter you see sale stickers under some cans in the ketchup aisle. No. WAY! Spinach on sale for $.25?! You exclaim the unreality of this super deal to strangers as you load up your cart with CASES of the stuff- you can’t remember the last time you ATE spinach, but it’s $.25 a CAN!!! And Progresso is $.50! You scoop minestrone and veggie beef into your cart at lightning speed, along with the 12 boxes of 3 cheese hamburger helper (also $.50).
Didn’t you need printer paper, too? You grab that on a side aisle, no problem, then notice necklaces are on sale, and realize you must have 3 of the exact same necklace since they are $1 apiece. So you yank them off the rack and remember you need socks. Oh, wait- look- mascara on sale!
You grab mascara (and a few dollar fingernail polishes- what the hell) and wander to the sock aisle, where you forget why you needed socks. So you get bored and score yourself a sun hat instead- it’s the last one, it’s $5- and it fits! You think of all the places you will NOT wear the hat, then buy it anyway because it used to be $15. Maybe you need a belt to go with it, too…
Nah. You hate belts. Wander away…but look- Batman underwear for men are on the clearance rack (any guess as to why?) and they would be a real hardy har har to get your man right? You grab a pair of the undies ($3, what fun!) and wonder if they come in other colors. He doesn’t look good in yellow…you put the underwear back, then grab them again, then put them back, then decide, what the hell, and get them anyway. His birthday is comin up, it would be HILARIOUS to give them to him…
Speaking of birthdays, what will you get your man? Hmm…swim trunks? Uh..no…is he a 34 or 36? Aw, crap- oh well….Oh, yeah- socks! Get him socks! What man doesn’t love socks?! You grab him Dickies socks (cuz Dickies are cool and manly) and grab another dollar pack of candy bars (mmm- Fast Breaks!) and decide you need to check out. Your cases of spinach (and some kind of beans, and jalapeno tomatoes) are slipping, and you’re hungry. You grab popcorn chicken on your way to checkout- then remember- you needed paperclips! Scotch tape!
Oh well- you grab the enormously priced tape at checkout and figure you have paper clips at home. And you leave the store 2 hours after you walk in grateful that you still have your $8 left. But your bank account is sure at empty.