Anthony Probably Wishes He Were an Oscar Mayer Weiner

First and foremost allow me to preface this column by stating: ANY WEINER JOKES IN BAD TASTE ARE STRICTLY COINCIDENTAL, AND IS NOT THE FAULT OF THE STRIKINGLY HANDSOME, THOUGH SOMEWHAT MUNDANE AUTHOR.
OK, there, I did it. I released myself from any chance of a potential lawsuit while I discuss New York congressman Anthony Weiner, and well, his crazy Oscar Mayer moments.

Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not like the Oscar Mayer man is the first to be (gulp) uncovered by the all and powerful communication apparatuses in existence today…thanks to technology. My question is why in the heck do you manage to get caught up a year after Christopher Lee, his republican congressional counterpart is busted posing like he’s Arnold Schwarzenegger for some craigslist chick. Unbelievable. I liken male senators and congressional members to a set of identical twins, or stair step kids who copy their counterparts bad behavior, just after their parent chastises the other kid for the exact same bad behavior.

For the overwhelmingly most part, these guys are college educated…and young enough to know the ramifications of putting information on you tube, or face book, or twitter etc. Once the information hits any one of the dozen or so internet track meets, it’s off ,running, and headed for virility. This is what your momma meant when she said you were s.o.s—or, stuck on stupid. Anthony Weiner and Christopher Lee both have cosmetically beautiful wives. But, as you well know, players are only players while their playing. So Lee sends a picture where he naked from the waist up, and Weiner sends a pic of his, for lack of a better term, little smokey. If you never believed absolute power corrupts absolutely, you can bet a dime’s worth of penny stocks it does now.

But I’m not composing this article to jump down the throats of just these two absent minded politicians. My pertinent inquiry is “do all male in general, but politicos in particular, cheat?”
It’s a simple enough question, and one that at least 55% of American females are waving their arms in the air frantically and exclaiming a passionate YES. The list is long and deep of guys entrusted as government watchdogs being horn dogs. The former governor of New Jersey, Jim McGreevy was playing footsies with another man while he had a drop dead gorgeous wife warming his bed at the bat cave. Then there’s John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Larry Craig, Gavin Newsom, and John Ensign to name a few contemporary members of the exclusive club for men.

I don’t get it. Even the hungriest of politicians with strong sexual appetites have calendars in their homes and realize it’s 2011, not 1951. Going viral is like a tsunami encompassing a tiny island in the Pacific. Only it hits twice as fast. And if you’re a player in the political arena, it slams you three times harder. Mark Sanford found his soul mate in Uruguay after 20 years and four kids by his now former wife. And I won’t even mention the disgust I feel toward John Edwards who was just a heartbeat away from a vice-presidency in 2004.

At some point during the game, politicians need to take a time-out and sit quietly on the bench. I understand John McCain’s confusion with regard to the internet, he was born when a dozen apples cost a nickle. But how and why in the world can any politician under 60 be so ignorant of these blatantly obvious technological facts.

Sarah “smile” Palin is dumb as a rock, but even she’s learned to master the technologies available, and not get caught up in precarious situations. I mean every reporter or news team worth their salt was hanging out in Alaska waiting to see which shoe from godzilla’s massive feet would drop and prove Sarah smile was even more of a complete idiot than she’s already shown us. Instead, Sarah’s e-mails make her seem, well, ordinary. A normal Governor in the state she once claimed to see Russia from.

I would venture to say that most married or otherwise involved men are promiscuous. Heck, I’ve been married to the same beautiful woman for 36 years. But even I was feeling a bit frisky the first few years of our marriage. It’s just that back then, most Americans couldn’t afford that miracle drug known as satellite television…so unless the St. Louis Post Dispatch, or the Globe Democrat newspapers chose to follow me around and spread the business, my only problem came from snitching partners. But today, everybody knows anybody who’s anybody’s business faster than Jesse Owens lacing his track shoes.
So, my advice to all the big and little weiners out there is basically simple—keep it zipped up tighter than Saran Wrap, and always remember “when you least expect it, you’re elected, you’re the star today… smile, you’re on Candid Camera”.