Amusing Things Men Say in Their Personal Ads

Our society is full of lonely people just trying to find another human being to be lovers with, companions with, or just be friends with. Online ads can sometimes be helpful in that area, since I know a few people who have actually been successful at it. But I liken it to walking through a minefield in which you have to choose carefully between the strange ones and the so-called “normal” ones. Perusing the ads today, I found a few funny ones. Read on…

“I like watching cardinals”.

At first I thought he was talking about birds. But upon reading further, he was referring to a sports team. He just forgot the word “the” and to capitalize the letter “C”. Just a minor glitch that gives the sentence a whole new meaning.

“So I guess it’s finally come to this”.

Don’t you think this guy sounds a bit dejected? He’s not smiling in his picture either. I don’t think he’s going to be able to lift your spirits either.

“The feature that captures my attention, first and foremost, is someone’s eyes. The eyes are the mirror to the soul”.

And this guy is wearing a big ole pair of aviator sunglasses in his picture. Seriously he is. I guess he doesn’t want us to see his soul.

“I love to laugh, fish, and shoot guns”.

Okay I like a man with a sense of humor, but not fishing so much. And definitely not shooting guns. Let’s see what the next guy has to offer.

“I like dinners out, but much prefer home-cooked dinners at home”.

Now notice this fella didn’t say that HE would be the one actually doing the cooking in the kitchen. Something tells me he’s too cheap to take a woman out on a date and wants her to cook for him. I think we should pass on this one.

“I am goal-oriented and am disease free”.

I don’t know what having goals and being disease free have to do with one another but for some reason he felt the need to put them both in the same sentence. Any guy who feels he must say he’s disease free most certainly has herpes. That’s just in my humble opinion. What do you think?

“My best feature is my chest”.

I’m not sure what he means by that. He doesn’t show his chest in his picture. Is his chest hairy or non-hairy? What else constitutes a chest as being a good feature. Now if a trashy girl said that about herself, then the guys reading it would know exactly what she’s talking about. But this was a man saying it. Bewildering, huh?

“I’m a great guy, but confused, but getting better”.

He actually said that in his ad. Now we are the ones who are confused. What is he confused about? His job, his reason for living, his sexual orientation? What is it?

“I have been a loner my whole life and I’m very shy. However, I’m also up for a major challenge so I’m entering my ad”.

I don’t know about you, but if he thinks of meeting women as a “major challenge”, it sounds like it’s just too much hard work. Don’t hurt yourself, buddy. Maybe you should be a loner just a little longer.

“I’m the owner of a night club”.

Say no more. Hey, free drinks, ladies!!!!”

“I love detailing my vehicle, cleaning my house. I even enjoy washing windows”.

I’m thinking of phrases like “obsessive compulsive” or “neat freak” or “excruciatingly annoying”. What words come to YOUR mind?

“My friends describe me as being ‘lighthearted’ because I’m laid back and don’t sweat the small stuff”.

I think he’s behind on his bills. And probably spends a lot of time on the couch.

“I’m intense when needed, and steady and on course at all other times”.

Say what?? This sentence takes too much analysis. I have no idea what he’s trying to say. I think he’s trying to sound “deep”, but unfortunately he just dug himself a hole.

“I am lonely and I need company now”.

He forgot the word “desperate” in there. He didn’t capitalize all the letters in the word “now”, but I think he meant to.

“I’m a 63 year old male and I’m looking for a companion to go to flea markets with. Females in your thirties only need apply. You would need a driver’s license and a car.”

Where do we start with this guy? First of all, mister, you’re in your sixties. Girls in their thirties will look like you’re walking around that flea market with your grandaughter. And I take it you don’t have a car and/or a driver’s license? Is THAT what you’re really looking for? A chauffeur?

“I am seeking a woman to take out to dinner tonight. No sex, just dinner. But possible drinks and talk.”

His first sentence sounded nice. The declaration of no sex sounded a little harsh, given the fact that if a female suggested sex during dinner, I’m sure he would accept. And there had better be drinks, since what’s dinner out without drinks. And did he really need to mention that there will be talk? Isn’t that something that normally happens during dinner? Maybe not with this guy though.

“I am a normal guy looking for a date. Maybe a relationship and maybe more. Maybe move in to save on rent.”

Whoa, buddy, moving a little fast there, aren’t we? Our first clue should have been the word “normal”. He goes from a simple date to a relationship to moving in to save money. I’m not quite sure if he means for the girl to move in with him or for him to move in with her. My bet is on the latter. He sounds homeless at the moment.

“Just moved into the area and want to meet some females. I want someone who can carry a conversation since I don’t like pulling teeth. And I want someone to show me around since so far I haven’t seen anything special around here yet.”

First we get an idea that he’s had some problems in the communication department on prior dates. And “pulling teeth” is a weird expression to put into a personal ad. Then he proceeds to insult the town we live in. Oh sorry, hon, you haven’t seen anything special yet? Maybe since you’ve ridden into town, we now have something special, eh? I don’t think so.

“How are you doing today? Just looking for a chat buddy or a friend. Or if you’re unhappy with your sex partner, let’s talk about how I can help you with that.”

How slick is this guy? First he starts out all polite and all. Then he lulls us into feeling safe with saying he just simply wants to chat or be our friend. Then he slams us with the real reason why he’s placing an ad. He wants to “fix” our sexual problems with our present beau. He’s just simply trying to be helpful, right? Ha!

I had to stop. My brain was getting fried listening to these guys. No wonder my single daughter and her single friends shy away from the personal ads. It’s entertaining reading them though, to say the least. And I’d like to believe in the saying that there’s somebody for everybody. I hope that’s true.