A Naked Time Traveler Travels to the Old West

“How time has ravaged the beauty of Milan!” gasped Francesco Melzi as he stood naked in the middle of the scorched wasteland of Texas. Francesco, pupil of Leonardo Di Vinci, had been flung forward through time to the year 1888 by his teacher’s little known fermentation-based time travel device. With little else to do Francesco, naked and alone, set out toward the heat haze that loomed in the distance.

After miles of walking Francesco happened across a small cattle town called Pittston and went inside the first building he came to: a tavern called Thomas’. Thomas’ Tavern was populated by sleeping drunks and old men who rhythmically dinged their tobacco spits into brass spittoons. Suddenly, an excitable young man in spectacles burst through the saloon doors.

“It is you!” cried out Laurence, the only scholar of Pittston for only he could read. “You’ve come to save us from Enoch!” A crowd of whores gathered by the bar and the drunks had begun to awaken to hear Laurence’s exclamations and proclamations.

“The prophecy has been fulfilled!” And with that Laurence pointed an authoritative finger at the painting of Pastor Clemmins who had prophesied that a naked man would come in a time of peril to save the town of Pittston. All onlookers clapped and cheered as more townsfolk filed in to do the same. All cheered save for Francesco, the Italian from the past who could not understand a word of English.

Francesco looked upon the painting of Pastor Clemmins and nearly fainted at the ugliness of it, “A child of four years could paint with smoother strokes,” thought the pupil of Di Vinci. The artist, a child of nine years named Billy Bennett, saw the disgust on the stranger’s face and vowed revenge.

“I see you found yourself a naked man.”

The townspeople scattered away from the confused, naked stranger at the sound of the villain Enoch’s voice.

Enoch looked over the people of Pittston. “My family built this town. If it weren’t for my kin there’d be no Pittston. And you still had me locked away for beating on that cow. It lied to me and you know it!” And with that Enoch pulled his authoritative six-shooter and shot Francesco in the chest.

Enraged that his revenge had been stripped away from him, Billy Bennett lunged onto Enoch’s shoulders and tore off an ear with his teeth of nine years. Enoch shrilled and threw the boy to the floor. Undaunted, Billy pulled his daddy’s pocket knife from his own pocket and stabbed Enoch in the gut. Again and again he drove his rusty dagger into the villain’s belly until Enoch bellowed out his final breath.

Merry Mae the hooker cradled the dying Francesco best she could with the one arm the Lord saw fit to let her keep. Laurence knelt by the naked man’s side and looked up to see Billy Bennett bloodied with another man’s blood. Laurence then looked to the ceiling and said, “Prophecy — FULFILLED!”