A Day at the Cincinnati Zoo with a $4.00 Refreshment

On a recent visit to the Cincinnati Zoo I was amazed at what I saw. It was the wonders that the world had to offer all in one place, and there were animals there also.

As my wife can attest, I can be a bit crotchety at times. On a good day I may only utter a handful of curses rather than the usual systematic every two to three minute approach I take toward the not so good days of everyday life. This brings me to my day at the zoo with my beautiful wife. It was meant to be a day off from the worries of work and the doldrums of the same old’ same old’. Yet with my soul hardened from the years of being a Taxi driver on night shift, I could not let this perfect day pass without me getting perturbed by literally everything I saw. I don’t know that I am wrong in this, however… maybe it just shouldn’t bother me as much as it does. To this, I let you decide.

As with most trips to (insert family fun place here), you are always encouraged to buy food and drinks, and at a cost of almost $4.00 a beverage, why not. But what does get to me is that at an outside attraction such as a zoo, it is the sheer volume of places you are not permitted to bring drink or food. This rule seems to be particularly enforced around bird exhibits. So I did what any self respecting American man in my position would do, I held the drinks and my wife’s purse while she went through the exhibit.

While I am holding my wife’s purse and $4.00 tasty beverage, a group of school children came by with a zoo guide obviously on a tour. Really, and I mean really do the children seriously care about what a male peacock must go through in order to mate with a female? Maybe if the male peacock was standing outside the bird exhibit holding an exorbitantly priced thirst quencher and his wife’s handbag, then they may have been more interested. But for goodness sakes, just take them to watch the gorillas attack each other or something. They don’t need to be hearing about some birds reproductive process while most really just look on at me wondering why I may be holding a woman’s handbag.

After that we moved on to the rhino exhibit. Oh wait, what rhinos? There were none. Maybe it was too cold I get it. It is Ohio after all, but it is well into spring, so where were the rhinos? Look, for the money we paid to get into this place at least have a man in a suit mooing or barking or making whatever sound a rhino makes. Lord knows if they are making some poor woman walk a bunch of school children around who couldn’t care less about what she had to say, then surely they could have found some poor sap that maybe came in to work late twice that month and forced him to dress up like a rhino. Hey, we could have shared a laugh about how he is in a funny outfit and I have lost my masculinity with my wife’s purse. It would have been fun.

While I could go on and on about my day at the zoo ( I can’t because I must get on to other stuff to complain about), there is one last thing that really gets me. People with cameras. No I don’t mean just anyone with a camera but “those people” with cameras, the ones who have cameras with those telescopic lenses which probably outweigh the camera holder themselves. I can see where a three foot extension on the front of your camera may come in handy, such as when you are trying to find a drink stand with a reasonable price from five miles away. After all you’re not on the Serengeti where if you dared approach within 1000 yards you may be eaten by a wild beast. You’re at the zoo taking a picture of an animal that can’t even come close to biting you. So put the tripod up Steve Bloom. Instead if you want to get close up to the action, jump the fence to the bear cage and take that picture and when you’re done, the guy in the rhino suit and me will buy you a drink and share war stories of men’s liberation and compare women’s handbags.

Besides, if you’re using both hands to hold up your telescoping lens that can see the rings of Saturn then who is going to hold your $4.00 refreshment?