A Cop, a Brothel, and a Koala Bear Walk into Eddie23g’s Mind

It was a hot and muggy summer day.

Let me have a few minutes of your time, Stranger. I have a short little story for ya that involves me and one of my accidental mini-adventures that I seem to always stumble upon in life. Back when I first turned twenty-one I bought a 78 Camaro. I loved driving that car. I had the classic rock pumping through 6×9 speakers in the back dash, a ten inch woofer in the trunk, and a set of Pioneer 6 inch in the doors.

Now that I think of it, it was all powered by Pioneer and I even had a Super-Tuner 3 tape deck with removable faceplate. I had Christmas lights ran along the interior and just out-of-sight from the outside. They were the adjustable kind and I liked to have it set on slow fade. This one night that I am talking about all started around 9pm on a Saturday in the hot, sweaty summer evening in a town just over the line.

I had just turned twenty-one that morning and had spent the first morning of my birthday in court in front of a judge for a ticket that had me involved in the crime of speeding in a school zone. The crime had happened six months prior and the officer had wanted to “teach me a lesson,” is how I remembering him putting it, as I tried not to flinch as his spittle hit me in the face and he explained how bad it was for me to be speeding in a school zone. He was right.

Like I said, the cop and the judge is an entire different story in the wonder world that engulfs me. That is a story for another time so let me get back on track with ya. By now it was the afternoon and after I had paid my fine, which was lower than I expected, I decided to go celebrate my birthday with a beer. I visited a local bar and started up conversations with people while we shot games of pool.

I heard some interesting stories by people who you could tell were just glad to have a new ear to tell their stories too. It was fun for me and a time I will never forget. I do not think that I could ever walk back into any bar like I did with the amazement and wonder of new things that only little kids usually have, like I did that afternoon.

Anyway, I met this character that told me while over a game of pool, about this brothel right across the state line.
At first the way he made the place sound, I thought he was joking. He would say things like, “You haven’t seen a woman till you see the women at Sandies’.” And then he would smile this big grin that stretched from one black
sunglass lens to the other.

By nine o’clock and a pitcher of beer later, he had me talked into it and I was doing things that would not make my momma proud. I ate a bunch of breath mints and decided to visit this land of beautiful women and the bonus was; it was my birthday.

He had mentioned some type of birthday special. I was so intoxicated that I couldn’t remember what he said the special was, but I could remember that it sounded great. I am not sure how many breath mints that I ate on the way there, either. Heck, I wouldn’t even remember the trip if it wasn’t for what happened.

(:Just a little insight…This story is very cute and nothing is depicted or described in any fashion…Just wanted to let you know that this is safe for work:)

Talk about an instant buzz kill, right before the last five miles of road between me and the state line sat a State Trooper under the overpass. I knew that he caught me. I was just cheering to myself about reaching 90 miles an hour right before I slowed down to make the corner and was in his line of sight.

Before I had a chance to look in the rear-view mirror he was right on my tail with the blue lights flashing and the siren tweeting. I pulled right over and did a quick look to make sure that my seat belt was on. He walked up to my window and the first thing that he said reminded me of an old truck driving joke that my dad had told me as a kid.

He said, “Boy, I have been waiting on you all day to come flying around that corner, what do you have to say for yourself?”

I didn’t even wait for him to pause for a breath. I just read his name tag and replied with a smile, “Well, Trooper Nash, I got here as fast as I could.” Truthfully, it just slipped out. I had just gone from drunk to sober in less than a minute, remind you. I just like to tell the story like I was in better control.

To my surprise, he had not heard the joke before and even told me with a chuckle, that it was the funniest thing he had heard all-day but the funniest part was the look on my face when it slipped out, now that was priceless. Then he leaned in my window and asked me if I had heard of Sandies’ right on the other side of the state line.

He said that a guy that smelt as if he had eaten four tubes of breath mints was either drunk and covering it up or was headed to Sandies’ to impress the ladies. Either way it was the only thing out here for miles.

I told him that I was looking for Sandies’ and that I had heard about it from a friend. I was very strange feeling to be speaking to an officer of the law about a brothel. He told me to just relax because when he was in another state he was just a citizen, just like everyone else.

He told me that he knew a shortcut, so we left the bypass and started traveling down a dirt road about thirty-five miles an hour. I just stayed way back and followed the dust cloud. It was already getting dark and hard to see without all the dirt flying. He even waited up for me a couple of times because he was afraid he had lost me.

Finally after almost two hours of driving in the dust of a dry dirt road at thirty-five miles an hour, I found him waiting for me in a driveway under a shade tree. He came running up to my car like a little boy on a play ground with an open crane toy and a set of monkey bars.

“I’m off duty now. Let me run inside and change and then we can take my truck.” The smile on his face kept me from getting angry because I could feel the joy busting from his pores. After all, I still had an hour of my birthday left. I wondered if it had been his plan all along or if he had come up with it on the way.

He showed me where to park the Camaro in the yard and then he threw me a set of keys. “Warm up the truck while I am inside,” he pointed over towards a 76 Ford Bronco with its Ford Tough grill facing out of the barn side-door in the moonlight.

I climbed inside the four-wheel drive beast and barely turned the key over when it ripped and roared to life like it was just waiting for me to touch it. I was so startled that I barely made it down out of the truck with my beer filled belly and got my pants open before … Well, anyway I made it right outside the driver’s door.
When he returned from inside the house, I did not even recognize him. He was decked out in a western shirt complete with replica Mother-of-Pearl snaps. He decided to go with tight Wrangler jeans and snake skin cowboy boots. And yes, he had a leather cowboy hat to go with it all.

It was during the time when Smokey and the Bandit and the Dukes of Hazard were the style. So his clothes were not at all out of place, except the fact that I was dressed completely different in my Aerosmith style jeans and long hair.

“You ready to cowboy up and find out what a real woman is like at Sandies’?” He looked at me with a grin that he saved for when he was off duty. “Now I will show you the short cut that I was talking about.”

Just then he slapped the Bronco in an unexpected, from what I thought was going on, reverse and flew out the backside of the barn. Right when we made it outside the barn he whipped the Bronco around exactly in the way that all the commercials warned you not to do in a Bronco, and we shot off across the field at sixty miles an hour.

We drove through a creek bed so fast that the water didn’t even splash and before I knew it he was slamming on the brakes. I looked up just in time to see the broadside of the barn approaching me from the passenger side of the vehicle as we slid to a sideways stop.

The trooper had driven with so grace that not at one time did I feel scared or frightened. I wish I knew how far we travelled that night in that twelve minute trip.

On the side of the barn was a spotlighted, painted sign that read, “You can get the Hole, You can get the Wall, You can Get it All at this Hole in the Wall… Welcome to Sandies’.” We had finally arrived at 11:35 pm on my birthday.
The outside of the barn was traced out in neon and the sign on the building that read, “live girls” in flashing red and green neon had to be at least thirty feet tall. In the pre-midnight moon the entire barn glowed like what I pictured a U.F.O looking like in the night upon landing.

We showed our ID’s as we walked through the door and paid the three dollar cover charge. Three dollars was over four gallons of gas back then. When we opened the door my eyes were filled with delights and the best thing I had seen since I had turned 21. A sign on the bar that said,” Open Bar to all Patrons.” This place was real!

There were men everywhere just hanging out. Many of them had no money and just wanted to see the lady that they were in love with. I heard at the bar that no one even fought over the girls because they all knew that they would get their chance. Now the men just started getting there earlier, trying to beat out each other.

I walked up to the bar and an Asian lady came over to assist me. “Can I get you something to drink? Wait… How you get in here? You got ID?” She looked at me with a smile but continued to gesture for my identification. “You new round here. I never see you before, no?” She was still smiling addictively and shaking her head up and down. If you have ever seen anyone shaking their head in the” yes” motion while saying “no,” then you know that this can be confusing to the viewer.

She looked at my ID and then looked up at me. I felt like something was going on that I was not prepared for by the excitement that was spreading across her face. Right then she started ringing a bell and yelled out, “It’s time for a Sandies’ birthday special,” at a shriek so loud that all I could hear was whispering for the next five minutes. Then she whispered to me, “You wait right here till birthday girl gets here. She’s best. She show you a real woman, yes.” I think this is what she said; I am not real good at reading lips.

I couldn’t hear what she said so I waited…

Slowly my hearing came back and I once again noticed how loud it was in there. There were girls dancing on every flat surface and behind see thru curtains. I motioned to the bartender for a drink and with a wink and the speed of a cheetah, she stood in front of me with a blue drink she called, “The Birthday House Drink.” It was good. Tasted like soft raspberries right before mom started yelling when she caught me eating them. I like them a lot but they always made me tired.

This drink did not make me tired. I do not even think it had any alcohol in it. While I was waiting, the trooper showed back up and asked me if I was doing OK. I told him I was fine and I was waiting on the Birthday Girl to show up. He just winked at me and said, “That Birthday girl will teach ya what a real woman is like and make you appreciate all the other girls here at Sandies’ all at the same time.” Then he disappeared like he was never there.

Right after I finished my first drink this little brown and grey fuzzy animal popped up on one of the bar stools next to me. I couldn’t believe my eyes enough to make out what kind of animal it was. It grabbed the bowl of peanuts and dumped them on the bar in front of it. It then took the bowl and turned it over on the stool seat and used it as a booster.

I looked in the bottom of my drink for a partially dissolved pill or something that could explain what I was witnessing.
I looked away for as long as I could before curiosity made me turn and look and again.

No, there wasn’t an animal sitting next to me at the bar just using a bowl as a booster seat when I turned around. No, there was a koala bear sitting on a bowl in a barstool counting hundred dollar bills. The flashing of hundreds attracted the bartender quite quickly. “May I help you,” she asked.

I think that was the closest that I have ever come to a heart attack. I was holding a giggle in so hard that I gave myself the hiccups. I couldn’t breathe anymore when the koala bear said in Australian, “I would like to rent a girl from this fine establishment for a couple of hours.”

What was her response to this strange request? She said, “You have money, you get girl. Come with me.” And they disappeared into the other room.

So what can I say, I decided to quit drinking for the evening. A little while later, the little Asian walked-up to me and asked if I was having a goodtime. She then told me that the Birthday Girl was there and to follow her to my room.

We walked into the back behind the bar and through a curtain. On the inside of the curtain it was very dusty. Everything was covered in sheets that were the color of the thick sheet of dust and lint that covered them. The only light in the large room came from gas lamps in each corner of the room. The light was yellow like the light that is given off by a bug repellent porch light.

She led me to a little a room, opened the door, and told me to make myself at home. There were magazines and recorded Beta-VCR tapes with titles written in permanent marker on the labels. The place was also a sty from my point of view.

There were dirty dishes in the sink that looked at least a week old and there were piles of clothes everywhere and I was not sure which were clean and which piles were dirty. I decided to just think that all of the piles were dirty and just found a small spot on the couch and flipped on the TV.

I stood up to turn the fine tuner on the television and turn up the volume when I heard the sounds of laughter and pleasure coming from the wall behind the bloob-tube. I picked out the movie Felix the Cat and slipped it into the Beta Player.

About thirty minutes went by and the entire time I had missed the movie. I couldn’t keep from listening in on the room next door. All the purring and agreeing, hee hee, was over and this time I heard the female sound a little angry.

“I said that will be two hundred dollars, you little freak. I am a prostitute. Look it up in a dictionary. It says that I have sex for money.” She was yelling pretty loud for the size of the room, but I bet no one could hear it out front.

Then a male Australian voice said, “Ahh… come on now, but I am a koala bear.”

“I know you’re a koala bear and actually… it was kind of nice, you being soft and furry and all.” I could tell that she was calming down and they began to speak instead of yell. I had to pick up a cup and put it against the wall to keep hearing.

“Now, now, look it up in the dictionary. I am a small fuzzy animal that eats bushes and leaves.” I heard the koala bear say right before then the door slammed open behind me.

“You listening in on the neighbors again, George?” This bottle blond lady stood before me in the door way with her hands on her hips. “What I have I told you George, would you want the neighbors listening in on us? Do ya?”
I did not know what to say and at the same time I could not say anything. She walked over to the sink and continued complaining.

“Haven’t you been here all day, George? Why are these dishes still dirty and what’s this?” She walked into what I guess would be considered the living room and continued, “Do you even know which of these piles of clothes are clean and which are dirty? Are you ever going to get this laundry done, George?”

I still could not speak, but I was starting to be able to think. First thing that I thought was, “Hey now, may name is not George and I just got here myself.” What I did was get up and started making a sink of dish water. One thing I cannot stand is a mad woman. She disappeared into the bathroom and I cleaned up the kitchen.

Right when I put the last glass in the strainer she came out of the bathroom wearing the best fitting night gown that I had ever seen on a woman. If she would have looked as nice as the nightgown then it would have been even better, but it was a very nice looking nightgown.

Her eyes caught mine as she walked into the room. “Just take your mind off that. You haven’t said that I looked pretty since I walked in the door and now that I am all washed up and ready for bed, you think you’re going to get some of this action? Yesterday was your birthday and you wanted was a real woman, so honey, tonight you are getting you a real woman. Now, how is that laundry coming along?”

When she went back to the bathroom, I slipped out the door. I did not know much at that time but I knew that I did not want to put up with any of that. I met the Trooper back at the bar and since it was almost three in the morning (this was my excuse, the truth was I was scared the Birthday Girl was going to come looking for me) we decided to make the quick trip back to his place over the creek through the field.

I learned a lot that night about real women and loose women. I have to thank Sandies’ Brothel for everything that they taught me about women in the following years after this experience, even when I didn’t have any money.

Until one day when I met my wife, I did not realize how real my first experience with a real woman had been. I am so thankful that Sandies’ gave me the knowledge to know what is normal when dealing with the ladies that you live with, the real and the only woman that matters. Have a good time you all:)