A Birthmother’s Choice of Adoption & Her Composer After Separation

One thing that is not usually spoken about is adoption. Adoption is the most difficult action a mother to be can possibly bring themselves to even consider. When I was 18 year old I unwillingly became pregnant in an unfortunate and most traumatizing way. I found myself going to a party and having one drink and extremely exhausted because I was a hard working student, I began to get tired and when to a room to rest until my friends were ready to leave. After a few minutes maybe even seconds I opened my eyes to another unfamiliar blurry face. After inability to gain full conciseness I awoke hours later at my friend’s house confused. The following few days I began to feel weak and sick, I went to the doctor where I found out I had tonsillitis; I received antibiotics and moved on. A month later I went to my doctor in order to receive a check and an IUD and that is when my life changed. My doctor ran a routine pregnancy test and that when I was told- I was pregnant. As this tiny innocent baby grew inside of me I found myself lost, confused and unsure of my future. I continued my life, putting the pregnancy in the farthest region of my brain in order to hide out from my brutal reality. I did not inform anyone of my wrong doing with fear of shame consuming my emotional stability I deprived myself and my tiny baby of medical attention but I felt as though I needed not to be too negligent therefore I ate healthy took vitamins and stayed clear of harmful environments from smoking, lifting and even being around sick people. I walked around with clothes that were to big in order to hide my body change from those closest to me.

One night I was laying in bed and saw a program on the television about adoption, on the program they talked about the choices women had and after the program ended there was my answer at the bottom of the screen- their email address and phone number. The next day I emailed the adoption help line and was informed that I should go to a local woman’s clinic for more information and another pregnancy test. About three days later I went to the suggested clinic and spoke with the nurse there who gave me pamphlets and talked with me about my options after verifying I was in deed pregnant. I began to feel even more alone and abandoned not remember that night in order to have the support of my baby’s father and too scared and ashamed to tell family or friends. After going over all the paper work and information I made the most challenging decision of my entire past and future life; I was going to give my baby up for adoption. I met with a local adoption agency and they informed me of the process and that I need to stop ignoring this pregnancy and embrace the fact that I will be helping a wonderful family. They set an appointment up for me to go to the Hospital for a basic check up and to find out how far along I was. The whole time I was going back and for to the Adoption agency from my parents and friends.

One early morning I went to the scheduled appointment set up by the agency and was seen by a wonderful doctor that checked my urine drew blood for labs, check the placenta for fluid as well as gave me an ultrasound and that is when I found out I was about 37 weeks pregnant. After being at the Hospital for three long and overwhelming hours I went home and acted as though nothing was going on. The next day I received a call from the Hospital stated I needed to come in immediately but I was given no reason to why I was to go in immediately. I went to the Hospital about two hours after receiving the call. Once I was admitted I found out what I was there for and that was because I had severe preeclampsia. Preeclampsia is basically hypertension within the pregnancy which causes too much protein to be in the urine. I was admitted in the hospital and given fluids and magnesium sulfate intravenously to help temporally stabilize me for an extended stay without being informed of their intentions or the issues in questions. After the first night alone in the hospital I had to tell my parents which were the hardest portion within my life. I picked up the hospital telephone and calmed home and told them, with so much fear and frustration of the whole situation I told them where I was and what happened. It was impossible for me to tell my parents everything that happened without the flood of emotions I could not hold back; about an hour later they were both in the hospital with me. Once they arrived and settled in my room I had to inform them of my true intentions and what I had being doing for the last couple of months. They stayed at the hospital with me for most of the entire week I was admitted. After the fourth day my mom got a call regarding her grandfather who was severely sick and had to fly up north in order to see him before he later passed. While in the hospital I felt miserable, I felt as though I had done the worst thing on earth. My parents did ask if adoption was truly the route in which I honestly felt was better, I explained to them I felt as though I was not mentally stable after everything that happened I felt traumatized.

On December 10th 2009 It was time for me to give birth to my baby I had being secretly caring for 37 whole weeks; at 4:35pm she was born. After seeing her I went blank and guilt took over me, I was asked if I wanted to hold her and I didn’t know what to say I didn’t know if that was something I can handle. I finally decided to hold her and in that very moment I felt fine, I looked into her innocent eyes and saw myself. After I was taken out of delivery and to a different room I didn’t want to let her go but I knew I would have to. After a few hours the adoption agency’s birthmother counselor came to see her and ask if this is still something I want to do I hesitated but answered yes. My first night o stayed up most of the time holding her and just staring at her hoping she would magically give me the answer but obviously that never happened. The very next day the birthmother came back with books put together by prospective adopters and asked me to take my time and pick one I really liked. I had to choose a family wisely for the simple fact that since my pregnancy ended so abruptly everything had to be rushed. After about a few hours I choice a couple that I really liked then called the counselor to let her know of my decision. On my last day at the hospital I had to sign the papers to relinquish my rights to my daughter. I did not let out a single emotion through the whole process, once I finished the papers I was released to go home empty handed and empty hearted. I walked down stair to meet my dad who was waiting for me and as soon as I shut the door to leave I let out every piece of emotion I had in my system and cried the whole 25 minutes home. Once I got home I got in bed and did not move for over 8 hours. I cried myself to sleep and woke to swollen puffy red eyes. I did not eat for a week and did not leave my house for two weeks. I felt empty, lost and wrong I began questioning whether or not my decision was right. After a few weeks I brought myself to make an appointment to meet my daughter’s parents.

On December 31st 2009 I went to the agency where it all began and meet her parents they were wonderful, her adoptive father was the CEO of a very reputable company and her adoptive mom had just graduated from graduate school in Business Administration and was soon to be starting a job as an Operations manager for a marketing company. Besides their profession they were very down to earth friendly and very loving they informed me that they named her Sydney. After the meeting I left feeling so much better I felt like I needed to stop worrying and trust that she was in a better environment and will live a long happy life. After the whole ordeal I took myself through things some people would never understand if they went through it themselves. I love the daughter I gave birth to and no matter what anyone says or how I am judged I did what I felt was right. On December 10th 2011 she will be three years old and at the moment I still feel I made the better decision and I will continue to stand by my word.