5 Movie Maternities Not Covered by Obamacare

The heath reform law officially known as the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare) was signed into law a little over a year ago but it’s still generating a collective throbbing forehead vein of anger from those who believe it’s just more government intrusion and too expensive.

The text of the law is a daunting read at 1017 pages (but is still shorter than Charlie Sheen’s monthly penicillin bill – ba-dum-DUM) so it probably hasn’t been read by most Americans. But it’s safe to say it doesn’t cover any of the following cinematic maternities that are probably best served by a delivery room in Josef Mengele’s basement.

THE FLY (1986)

Director David Cronenberg’s remake of the 1958 Vincent Price classic follows Seth Brundle ( Jeff Goldblum ), a brilliant and eccentric scientist who has developed a working teleporter (think Star Trek transporters and think how pizza delivery times would improve). After granting an exclusive interview about the project to science magazine reporter Veronica Quaife ( Geena Davis ), the two become romantically involved. One night while testing the teleporter, Brundle’s DNA is accidently melded with that of a fly. Shortly thereafter Brundle begins his transformation into a fly although initially he doesn’t exhibit any obvious symptoms. When Brundle figures out what’s happening to his body (which resembles an entomological puberty) he tells a mortified Veronica. And because she’s been biblical with the fly normally known as Seth Brundle and might be pregnant (ewww), she starts having horrific nightmares where she gives birth to a larva. No word if Oshkosh plans to launch a line of baby larva overalls.

Reason for coverage denial: “What the hell are you doing having unprotected sex with a fly? And would you blame a new man for leaving after telling him you slept with an insect and once gave birth to a larva?”

THE MANITOU (1978)

Karen Tandy (Susan Strasberg) is admitted into a San Francisco hospital after she discovers a tumor growing on her neck. After a barrage of tests, doctors discover there’s actually a fetus growing inside the tumor. After some bizarre poltergeisty occurrences at the hospital, Dr. Snow (Burgess Meredith) becomes convinced the fetus is actually a reincarnation of a 400 year old Indian Spirit who seeks revenge on those who perpetrated the genocide of North America’s native peoples (or perhaps just upset at all the comped casino buffets he’s had to dish out). But before doctors can squeeze it out and hope for the best like a zit on your wedding day, the tumor gives birth to a dwarf shaman. Desperate for help, fortune teller Harry Erskine (Tony Curtis) recruits a witch doctor named John Singing Rock (Michael Ansara) in the hope he can send the evil midget shaman back to wherever these horrible movie premises come from.

Reason for coverage denial: “Your policy does not cover dwarf shaman neck birth”

ROSEMARY’S BABY (1968)

Newlyweds Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse ( Mia Farrow and John Cassavetes ) move into a gothic New York City apartment building. Guy is a struggling actor and Rosemary a na¯ve housewife straight out of the 1950s. Their neighbors Minnie and Roman Castevet ( Ruth Gordon and Sidney Blackmer ) are the sort of annoying but ultimately harmless elderly couple you’d find on a sitcom about an annoying but ultimately harmless elderly couple. At first Guy can’t stand the Castevets but then grows alarmingly close to them. After he gets the lead in a potentially career making play when the actor originally cast inexplicably goes blind, Guy convinces Rosemary that they should try and conceive a baby. But before they can light a few candles and crank up the Barry White, Minnie Castevet shows up with a batch of chocolate mousse. After trying the mousse, Rosemary promptly gets dizzy, passes out and has a semi lucid nightmare where she’s having sex with a demon in a room full of naked onlookers. Rosemary soon discovers she’s pregnant and discovers the Castevets are part of a satanic coven that recruited Guy to help them impregnate her with the offspring of Satan. Eventually Rosemary’s fears are confirmed when the baby is born with glowing red eyes. And not the glowing red eyes you’d get after smoking too much of the medicinal.

Reason for coverage denial: “That’s what you get for marrying an ambitious actor willing to sell your womb to Satan for a part in an off-Broadway play.””

ALIEN (1979)

The commercial spaceship Nostromo is hauling 20 million tons of mineral ore on a trip back to Earth. When the ship’s computer receives a transmission from an uncharted planet, it awakens its crew of seven from hibernation. After landing on the planet to investigate, a giant chamber of eggs (think Cadbury eggs with gooey an alien center) is discovered by Executive Officer Kane (John Hurt). One of the eggs releases a creature that attaches itself to Kane’s face. In a failed attempt to cut off the facehugger, it’s revealed the creature has acid for blood. Eventually like most relationships based solely on physical attraction it detaches itself and dies. Initially Kane doesn’t exhibit any adverse effects and the crew gathers in the ship’s galley for a final meal before reentering hibernation and resuming their journey. After a couple of bites of food, Kane starts choking and violently convulsing before a creature bursts out of his chest, killing him and leaving a bloody mess that would bring the Brawny man to tears with feelings of inadequacy. The creature escapes and eventually starts pegging off members of the crew one by one like so many American Idol contestants.

Reason for coverage denial: “Your policy does not cover the consequences of 4 a.m. drive-thru visits to Taco Bell.”

JUNIOR (1994)

Gynecologists Dr. Alex Hesse ( Arnold Schwarzenegger ) and Dr. Larry Arbogast ( Danny DeVito ) develop a strong fertility drug but are forbidden by order of the FDA to test it on women (probably because with DeVito involved it has lemon cello as an active ingredient). With the help of an egg donation from Dr. Diana Reddin ( Emma Thompson ), Dr. Hesse impregnates himself and promptly begins to exhibit all the symptoms of an expectant mother. He eventually carries the baby to term and gives birth via a caesarean section. Hesse then quickly jumps into a time machine and travels into the past on an urgent mission to find and capture the writer of this movie before he can unleash this cinematic abomination – therefore saving humanity.

Reason for coverage denial: “We don’t cover abortions and by abortions we mean this movie.”