35 Funny Inspirational Bible Verses

Out of respect for true believers, keep in mind that these are Bible verses taken out of context. Without the surrounding story to explain them, the life and times the Bible speaks of can be shocking to modern readers. Many of these are quoted from Yahoo! Answers regarding funny and inspirational Bible verses. For more information, consult BibleGateway.com.

1. 1 Samuel 18:25 – Then Saul said, Thus shall you say to David, ‘The king desires no bride-price except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, that he may be avenged of the king’s enemies.’

2. 2 Chronicles 11:21 – Father had 88 children.

3. 2 Kings 18:27 – Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

4. 2 Kings 2:23 -24 – And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

5. 2 Kings 6:1-6 – An axe that floated on water.

6. 2 Kings 6:29 – Woman boiled and ate her son.

7. 2 Samuel 10:4 – Therefore Hanun took David’s servants, shaved off half of their beards, cut off their garmets in the middle, at the buttocks, and sent them away.

8. 2 Samuel 21:20 – Man with 12 fingers and toes.

9. Deuteronomy 14:21 – Do not eat anything you find already dead. You may give it to an alien living in any of your towns and he may eat it, or you may sell it to a foreigner.

10. Deuteronomy 22:5 – Women had to shave their heads before being allowed to marry.

11. Ezekiel 16:17 – You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.

12. Ezekiel 23:20 – There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

13. Ge 21:5-6 – Abraham was a hundred years old l when his son Isaac was born to him. Sarah said, God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.

14. Genesis 28:11 – Man used a stone for a pillow.

15. Genesis 38:28,29 – Baby had a scarlet thread wrapped around its hand before it was born.

16. Genesis 5:27 – Man who lived to be 969 years old.

17. Genesis 7:21-23 – And all flesh that moved on the earth perished, birds and cattle and beasts and every swarming thing that swarmed upon the earth, and all mankind; of all that was on the dry land, all in whose nostrils was the breath of the spirit of life, died. Thus He blotted out every living thing that was upon the face of the land, from man to animals to creeping things and to birds of the sky, and they were blotted out from the earth.

18. James 1:21 – Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.

19. Jeremiah 20:9 – I am weary of holding it in–indeed I cannot.

20. Job 8:20-21 Surely God does not reject a blameless man or strengthen the hands of evildoers. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.

21. Judges 4:17-21 – Woman kills a man by driving a tent peg through his head.

22. Leviticus 10:1 and 10:2 – Aaron’s sons burn the wrong kind of incense, so God burns them to death.

23. Luke 6:21- Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.

24. Malachi 2:3 – Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces.

25. Matthew 10:11 – And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, enquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence.

26. Numbers 22:28-30 – And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee. And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? and he said, Nay.

27. Proverbs 17:16 What good is money in the hands of a fool since he won’t use it to buy wisdom.

28. Proverbs 21:9 – It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

29. Proverbs 23:27 – For a whore is a deep ditch; and a strange woman is a narrow pit.

30. Proverbs 23:30-35 – Look not thou upon the wine when it is red, when it giveth his colour in the cup, when it moveth itself aright. At the last it biteth like a serpent, and stingeth like an adder. Thine eyes shall behold strange women, and thine heart shall utter perverse things. Yea, thou shalt be as he that lieth down in the midst of the sea, or as he that lieth upon the top of a mast. They have stricken me, shalt thou say, and I was not sick; they have beaten me, and I felt it not: when shall I awake? I will seek it yet again.

31. Proverbs 26:11 – As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

32. Proverbs 5:18-19 – Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, as a long hind and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times.

33. Proverbs 6:6 – Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise!

34. Song of Solomon 7:7-8 – Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters. I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree. I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’ Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine and the fragrance of your breath like apples.

35. Song of Solomon 8:8 – We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for?