3 Questions Women Should Never Ask Men

I’ve been married 21 years and it’s finally dawning on my male-type brain that something is up. It’s much like being an ant on top of a rolling tire and vaguely aware that it (the ant) should do something to avoid a major personal catastrophe.

I’m referring to certain questions women ask men. There must be a reason for these “conversation” starters, but there are no correct answers. Or, if there are correct answers, where is the cheat sheet? Will I be graded in a final exam?

Wife: Okay, you’ve had 21 years to study. There’s no reason you shouldn’t ace this thing.

Husband: But the store had no textbooks in stock. I haven’t had a chance to prepare!

Wife: Then you fail! You are hereby ordered to sleep in the trunk of your car with no TV.

Husband: No TV? Dam!

In a desperate bid to defend indoor sleeping privileges of men everywhere, I thought maybe women should know how their questions trap men. But then I realized women already know this. So instead I beg women, please don’t ask these anymore. They are why men go bald.

Do you think she’s hot?

You know she’s hot. You know he thinks she’s hot. Even she thinks she’s hot. On the surface this is a no-brainer and the honest answer is, and I quote, “drooling.”

But any man who’s been in a relationship more than three days has learned that women are not looking for an honest answer. Any answer results in, at best, women tightly pursing their lips in aggravation and stiff silence. Or a frying pan lovingly delivered to the cranium. This is also true if men don’t answer at all.

Only God knows why women ask this and so far he hasn’t told me the Big Secret. I believe this is the real reason the Catholic clergy doesn’t get married.

Do you think I’m getting fat?

This is the classic trap question. A woman could be built of toothpicks and still think she’s competing with blue whales for world’s largest animal. Once again, there is no correct answer.

If men say yes, then it could mean a year-long argument. If men say no, then they’re liars. And no matter what their answer, if men pause for even a nanosecond, women huff and say, “See! You can’t answer honestly!”

The thing is, men really can’t and still see their next birthday.

Would you like to go to the ballet with me?

(Warning: other-gender style sentence ahead! Take Dramamine before reading.) Okay, so women like ballet, and they also like opera, and tear-filled movies, and love stories where a woman meets a great guy but she’s married but her husband is a total jerk and doesn’t pay her any attention so she falls for the new guy and finds love with him while the husband is killed in a freak baboon riot.

My advice? Find something you both enjoy and do that. After all, women don’t like to join men in pissing contests, so don’t try to make him enjoy a stage full of prancing men with bulges covered in spandex and sequins.

Why shouldn’t women ask men these questions? It’s not the questions themselves, but what they’re veiling that is the problem. There’s an agenda here and I’d be a fool to even pretend I know what it is. I heard a woman once say that if men were smart they’d figure out what’s really happening.

So, are men smart enough to tackle this? There’s only one answer. If you’d like to discuss this with me in more detail, check the trunk of my car. And bring a TV.